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BHGP Goes Hollywood

The headline may be misleading, as none of us at BHGP are in fact involved in the movie industry at this point, but ideas? We got 'em. Here's one, for example...

[hey big guy, does this have anything to do with Iowa sports? or sports at all?--ed.] [uh, no.--OPS] [knock yourself out.--ed.]

It's a kids' movie, think Disney or something, rated no worse than PG. It's about a stay-at-home author who's down on his luck, and his wife and kids are starting to get tired of his inability to provide for them (dad=fat &/or bald?? Maybe!!!). Obviously he can't be stumbling around drunk, even though that's how it usually works, but there can be some subtle hints as long as they're way over the kids' heads.

Anyhoo, through some sort of wacky amalgam of magic spells, enchanted electronics, and an imbecile's interpretation of science ("oh no, we reversed the polarity on the genome atomizer! stay away!"), dad gets turned into a beagle. Wacky, right? Well, the family doesn't even know what's wrong yet, because he's supposed to be out of town meeting with his agent (omniscient viewpoint alert--he was going to get fired or released or whatever agents use to tell you to go fuck yourself), so the first 24 hours of his transformation, he spends kind of dog-stalking his family and getting all sad because they're having a good time. Have you ever seen a beagle cry? Have you?? It's goddamn heartbreaking. Huge character evolution, right there.

Eventually this guy realizes that these kids that he had spent the last several years largely ignoring are the key to turning him back into his human self. Moreover, he's got a good idea what his breakout book's going to be (Money line: "Here I am, a dog. Someone oughta make a movie out of this!" L. O. L.). After a couple crude messages to his kids convince them he's actually their dad (impossibly smart-mouthed, flop-topped younger son: "No wayyyyyy."), they devise a system of communication where the dad raises his paw once for yes, two for no. The kids try to hide their dad in their room (what a madcap situation that would be--who wants their dad to rummage through their room every day?!), but things appear to hit a bad stopping point when mom starts sneezing. It turns out their mom is allergic to her own husband in his greatest time of need! Uh oh!

So while the kids pretend to talk on the phone with their father (gotta keep mom off the scent--no pun intended!!!), he's using the internet to figure out how to undo the spells. Have you ever seen a beagle use a computer? With a mouse? And CRYING?! Fucking balls-stomping adorable!

I haven't been able to tie it all up neatly with an ending yet, and it could be that they can't turn him back from a dog and they instead fashion a tiny little dog-friendly keyboard with huge keys for his paws or something and he becomes the world's second-best selling canine author of al time (damn you, Carrie Bradshaw!), or maybe they turn him back and he gets to be the best human dad in the world again. Obviously I would prefer the latter, because otherwise there's no way the censors are going to allow a love scene (unrated director's cut? hmmmmmm). Either way, the movie is called "Bark Twain," and it is a guaranteed $85 million in the box office. Hella DVD sales. Make it happen.

What? You want another idea? [god no.--ed.] Well I've got another, and it's another kids' movie! [GOD NO.--ed.] I don't really have the plot or title or anything, but really, it's just a flimsy excuse for me to romanticize as much dangerous behavior as I possibly can in a PG movie. Here's a quick list of everything I want our li'l protagonists (working title: The Li'l Protagonists) to accomplish in the 94 minutes of running time.

  • Rummaging through the cupboard under the sink to find mom and dad's stash of Blorox-brand soda pop
  • Leaving their baby sibling with a homeless man
  • Driving
  • Threatening a cop with a gun
  • Accepting rides from strangers in exchange for candy
  • Driving recklessly
  • Using power tools--make sure it's visible but not obvious that they're not wearing gloves, goggles, etc.
  • Driving drunk
  • Stealing credit cards
  • Driving recklessly in a cop car
  • LOTS of mouthing off to parents and teachers
  • Hiding in an old refrigerator
  • Recklessly handling firearms
  • Demonstrating how to easily open a child-safety bottle of medicine
  • Driving a cop car on a crowded freeway while the cop screams in terror from the backseat and loud, awesome music playing, plus it's raining like crazy
  • Skipping church

I'll bet I could easily fit all of those into a PG movie. Easily. God I hate kids.