Marchifornication continues with your East Regional preview. Warning: this is your last chance to join the BHGP Super Terrific Happy Fun Marchifornication Bracket Challenge (Group #5862, password is gornstar) - do it now. And if you joined and didn't fill our your bracket (you know who you are), do so now. Cool?
To the preview!
[regional seeds in bold.--ed.]
Big head; little arms.
#16 Mount St. Mary's - The Mountaineers are on a hot streak, winning their conference tournament and the play-in game. I hope they're feeling good now, because they're about to feel bad. How bad? Like using a needle from a hospital dumpster to shoot up bad. 100% of Yahoo users picked against them. Think about that. You couldn't get 100% of a group to agree that boobs are awesome, yet there isn't 1 person with any doubt that North Carolina is going to win. Mount St. Mary's: The Great Uniter!
#1 North Carolina - Simply the best. They're top ranked in the polls. #1 in the country in offensive efficiency. They have the best player in Tyler Hansbrough. They don't cheat. They don't even shit. It's true: North Carolina players don't poo. They're as close to perfect as you get in this tournament. I can't make an argument for another team in this region representing the East in the Final Four so stick with the Tar Heels.
I'll continue with the preview anyway.
You wearing the Nikes daddy sent you? puurrrrrrrr...
#8 Indiana - The Hoosiers are a hot mess. A brief history in time:
- They fire Bob Knight, the greatest coach in college sports history.
- Then, they fire his replacement, Mike Davis, just a couple years removed from the Final Four.
- They replace Davis with Kelvin Sampson, cheater.
- They quickly fire Sampson for, you guessed it, more spirited cheating.
I don't get this. It's like dating a stripper and breaking up with her for having too many ones in her snatch at the end of the night. The guy has a crippling addiction to his phone. I know people like this. It's a silent killer. He needs help. And now, so does, Dan Dakich, who's about to be fired. It's not because of a lack of talent - Eric Gordon and Big Ten POY DJ White are one of the most talented one-two punches in the country. The problem is their consistency, in so much as they consistently play down to the level of their opponent. They can't beat Carolina, so let's move on.
#9 Arkansas - I watched 11 seconds of Arkansas this year, which coincidentally, was the exact length of Dana Altman's tenure with the Hogs.
He looked as comfortable as a cat in a room full of rockin' chairs. Not gonna lie, I don't know who their coach is. Whatever, the Hogs can't beat Carolina, so let's move on.
(deeper into the mascot's hole...)
Gunston and his former sponsor, Whitey.
#12 George Mason - Their mascot is a problem drinker with a taste for hard liquor and uncut plushie porn. You hear about George Mason's run to the Final Four, but no one wants to talk about the underbelly of that success. That underbelly is shaggy, green, and thy name is Gunston. He's destroyed countless dressing rooms throughout the Colonial Athletic Conference. He's been in and out of rehab more times than the entire Baldwin family. He's currently homeless and rumor has it that he's been sleeping at the dry cleaners where he's laundered. For those of us in the media, the biggest question isn't about the team, it's about Gunston - will he even show up? Keep an eye out for the mangy green freak. We'll be tracking him all week here at BHGP [a mascot watch teaser? wow.--ed.].
#5 Notre Dame - Guess who's a basketball school now? Picked to finish 9th in the Big East they messed around and nearly won the conference. Super Sophomore and Big East POY Luke Harangody is one of the most improved players in the country. When paired with Kyle McAlarney they might just be the best combo you've never heard of. Unlike the football team, the hoops squad can score, averaging 80 a game. The Big East is the best conference in the country and Notre Dame is for real. Write them into the Sweet 16, with pen.
For Sale: Lightly used bedroom set - never been fucked on, at all.
#4 Washington State - They started the season with 14 straight wins, which was good. They finished losing 8 of their next 18, which was bad. They're well balanced, finishing in the top 20 both offensively and defensively. But they also ended up 11-7 in the Pac-10 with 3 losses to Stanford. They're almost there, but not quite. It looks like another second round exit for Wazzu.
#13 Winthrop - What a stupid name. They beat a team named Presbyterian. The Carltons are in the dance for the 8th time in 10 years but no one cares.
Laugh it up! You haven't seen St Joe's draw. Nothing cute about blind ignorance.
#11 St. Joseph's - They finished 9-7 in the A-10 and had non-conference losses to stalwarts like Duquesne and Holy Cross. I guess that big win over Fairfield got them the at-large bid. They're one of the weakest teams in a severely malnourished region. Don't pick them, no matter how much you dislike Oklahoma.
#6 Oklahoma - At least they (probably) don't cheat anymore! The Sooners started out with promise, but after injuries to Blake Griffin and Longar Longar (seriously) they staggered to the finish. I hear the Big 12 is the second best conference in the country. After watching 4th place finisher Oklahoma, I'm not convinced. They have enough in the tank to win one but it's just not gonna happen for them this year. Don't cry, Sooners, you've still got a state filled with dry counties and colorful dust!
Should have gone with the mediums.
#3 Louisville - This team will kill you. You pick them to win it all, and they'll lose in the first round (like they've done every year under Rick Pitino in their conference tournament). You pick them to lose in the first round, and they'll go to the Final Four (like they did 3 years ago). They've got great talent. They battle on D. They can score. 5 of their 8 losses were to teams in the field of 64. They don't lose for lack of effort. As much as I dislike the weasely (no, not them) mother fucker - Rick Pitino can coach. I can't explain it, but there's just something wrong with the Cardinals. This team will kill you.
#14 Boise State - Every team they lost to ends in "State". I'm guessing their home court is blue. They will either win, or lose, against Louisville (pronounced lew-vill).
PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEE!!!
#7 Butler - The Bulldogs got screwed by the selection committee. They're a top 10 team, they won 29 games, and got hosed with a 7 seed. They deserved better, much better, than a first round matchup with South Alabama. The Butler backcourt will go ahead and take care of business anyway. A.J. Graves and Mike Green may not be the best backcourt in the country, but they're the most fun to watch. I call them PB&J [wow.--ed.] [I'm kidding, dick.--JHC.] [not funny either way, it doesn't even make sense.--ed.] [can I finish this now?--JHC.] [god I hope so.--ed.]. They'll get to the weekend matchup with Tennessee, which could be one of the best games of the entire tournament. Good team; bad draw.
#10 South Alabama - The Jaguars... I like that. It's fun to say... Jaguars... Jaguars...
#2 Tennessee - Speaking of teams that got screwed, HOLY SHIT THEY GOT SCREWED! For starters, I think they earned a #1 seed. So, they didn't get it. Fine. But how are you gonna tell a brother that they're the 4th best 2 seed? They're not as good as Georgetown? Duke (who lost 4 of their last 9)? Really? The Vols won 29 games and all 4 of their losses were away from home to tournament teams. They have my favorite coach (Captain Carotene), my favorite player (Tyler Smith), and my favorite style of play (they run around, a lot). All of that being said, they're not perfect. Astute observers would point out that they tend to play their opponent's style at times, and they have problems when playing man-to-man. I would point out that 29 wins with their schedule makes them a favorite for the Final Four. Sadly, they got stuck in North Carolina's bracket. They're the only team in the East that can beat Carolina. I cannot wait to see that one.
#15 American - This is the Eagles' first time in the tournament. What do we know?
- They won the Patriot League.
- They shoot the 3 really well (3rd in 3pt FG% in the country).
- They lost to Morgan St, Fairfield, UMBC (me neither), Brown, Holy Cross, and Navy (twice).
- They're unquestionably patriotic.
What's more American than a good old fashioned ass kickin'?