One round of insanity is in the books. High seeds J Leman and Seth Gorney are gone. All three writers are still in it, though all survived by the slimmest of margins. We're switching to one contest a day for the rest of the week to set up the world's most insane Bracket Madness Final Four Bracket ever for next week. Here's a look at the damage:
So, no need to waste time getting this thing rolling, eh? Let's get it started right now.
Today: The Mangoblin vs. The Manchild!
PROS: Still the head coach at
WAIT A DAMNED MINUTE
Whoa. Hey.
I'M PUTTING A STOP TO THIS FUNNY BUSINESS RIGHT NOW
Surely you're not dropping out of the tournament!
OF COURSE NOT. AND DO NOT CALL ME SURELY
You mean Shirley?
IS THAT MY SECRETARY'S NAME
No.
IF YOU WANT PROS AND CONS, I'M AS GOOD A SOURCE AS ANY, AND MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT YOU DID NOT ASK ME EARLIER
Aw, well thanks
THAT AND I ALSO REGRET HAVING A GIANT EIGHTY YEAR OLD PROSTATE
FILE THAT UNDER CONS
None of us needed to know that.
IT WAS BACK IN 1994 WHEN WE FIRST JOINED THE BIG TEN, AND KERRY COLLINS CAME UP TO ME DURING PRACTICE AND INFORMED ME THAT HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH HIS RECEIVERS. I SAID, DO TELL KERRY, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME. ABOUT FIFTEEN SECONDS INTO HIS COMPLAINT I REALIZED THAT I DIDN'T GIVE ONE FLYING FART WHAT HE HAD TO SAY, SO I HANDED HIM A LIVE GRENADE
Does he always do this?
Yes.
HE STOOD THERE DUMBFOUNDED UNTIL I TOOK THE PIN OUT AND STARTED TO LEAVE. THE KID THREW ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GRENADES I'VE EVER SEEN, STRAIGHT INTO THE SWIMMING POOL
What pool?! We don't have a
SEVENTEEN YOUNG ATHLETES DIED THAT DAY AND I THINK KERRY LEARNED HIS LESSON, WE WENT UNDEFEATED THAT YEAR
I'm gonna chalk that one up as a "con" again.
AS A YOUNG MAN I BROUGHT DOWN THE HINDENBURG BY HURLING BASEBALLS AT IT, TO THIS DAY I DO NOT REGRET IT ONE BIT
Let's move on to your opponent.
PROS: Montana Gatorade Player of the Year. First-team all-state on offensive and defensive lines. Clearly throwing his point guard at innocent bystanders.
I LIKE HIS STYLE
CONS: Did not receive any other offers from BCS conference teams. Tales of his violent reign of terror are, uh, apocryphal.
IF MIGHTY CASEY WANTS AN OFFER, HE CAN COME TO HAPPY VALLEY RIGHT NOW, WE HAVE A B-52 FULL OF MONEY AND VIRGINS JUST SITTING AROUND NOW
He can't do that. He already signed his letter of intent with Iowa, Joe.
WHAT
Casey McMillan's a Hawkeye.
SECRETARY, KILL THIS MCMILLAN WITH YOUR BARE HANDS
But he's 300 pounds! He's three times my size!
I WAS TOLD YOU WERE PROFICIENT IN THE BUDOKAN KARATE STYLE
No, I'm fluent in French, asshole!
PARDON, YOU'RE FRENCH
No, I just speak it!
I think he was making a joke. Like "pardon my French."
I WOULD NEVER PARDON A FRENCHMAN