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All Your Terrelle Pryors Are Belong to Us

OSU's recruitment was coordinated by Uncle Rico

The young man wearing my dad's wedding tuxedo above is Terrelle Pryor.  He's the #1 quarterback in the country, the alleged second coming of Vince Young, and the object of Michigan and Ohio State wet dreams since December.  As of yesterday, Michigan thought they had him.  Ohio State was sure it had successfully purchased his love.  Penn State was convinced their zombie coach had blown any chance they had.  ESPN started writing timelines, just as a way to keep up.  It became the worst soap opera since "Passions."

This morning, I woke up, made my coffee, and came across this news (if you can call the inner workings of an 18 year old's mind "news"):

Terrelle Pryor just called me a few minutes ago and said he’s now not signing tomorrow. He said he’s 100-percent sure he’s not signing. He said he’s going to take an official visit to Penn State for sure, hopefully a weekend visit, and might visit Oregon. He said he is just not sure of his choice as of right now...

Trust me, he is not doing this for the attention, this kid sounds as torn up about a decision as any I’ve covered. And he is aware of the reputation that some folks are pinning on him and to that he told me he has to do what is right for him and can’t worry about public opinion. He and his family come first and this is an important decision that he’s not going to rush for anyone.

If Pryor wanted to play for the Fonz, wouldn't he be headed for Ann Arbor?  If Pryor's main goals were a new slightly used car, physical education degree, and eventual weapons charge, wouldn't Sweater Vest be doing cartwheels?  If Pryor wanted to wear his helmet for the next four years to stop his coach from eating his brain, would we not already have riots in Happy Valley?

There can be only one explanation:  Terrelle Pryor is coming to Iowa.*  Boom, motherfuckers!

* -- Completely made up, but feel free to spread on Rivals and Scout message boards.