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The JoePa Chronicles: Joe Paterno Loses a Bet

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(Parts 1, 2.)

SO I SAID FINE, WE'LL DRIVE OUR WIDE RECEIVERS OUT TO THE FOOTHILLS AND STRAND THEM, AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE DID

Uh huh.

WE NEVER DID SEE TERRY SMITH AGAIN

Sir, if you don't mind, I have to fini

BUT THAT WAS NOT THE WORST EXPERIENCE WITH A RECRUIT I HAD

sigh

WHEN WE WERE RECRUITING DJ DOZIER BACK IN 1984, HE INFORMED ME THAT HE HAD A TERRIBLE CASE OF TURF'S TOE, AND WALKING WAS PAINFUL. I WAS DETERMINED TO GET HIM ON CAMPUS BECAUSE HE WAS A TERRIFIC ATHLETE AND A TERRIFIC YOUNG MAN. SO AS SOON AS HIS MOTHER'S CAR PULLED UP, I OPENED THE DOOR FOR HIM AND PUT HIM ON MY BACK, AND HE RODE ME DURING HIS ENTIRE 48 HOURS ON CAMPUS

Sir, that's ludicr

USING THE LAVATORY AND SLEEPING WERE TERRIFIC CHALLENGES BUT WE MANAGED

I'm sure you did. May I finish this report? We need to get it sent to the AD's office by tomorrow.

BY ALL MEANS, I WILL BE WATCHING GAME TAPE IN MY OFFICE

Thank you.

(several minutes later)

THEY ARE FUMBLING ALL OVER THE PLACE

(knocks, opens door slightly) Coach? I don't mean to interrupt your "film session," but there's something you need to know.

THIS IS THE WORST OFFENSIVE LINE IN YEARS

For one, you're watching basketball. And it's in fast forward.

I NEVER DID UNDERSTAND TECHNOLOGY

(JOE PATERNO SAYS KEEP READING...)

Anyway. I was right. Pay up.

THIS IS A DEEP FRIED BULLSHIT PATTY BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF LIES

Yep. Twenty bucks. I knew it.

THIS DOES NOT PROVE A DAMNED THING. I AM SURE HE JUST ATE TOO MANY FIESTA NACHOS

No way. You lose, Mr. Paterno! Admit it!

JIMINY CHRIST, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE

Is everything okay?

JAY WHAT IN THE DEVIL'S CLEAVAGE BRINGS YOU TO MY WORKPLACE

Other than the fact that I'm the quarterbacks coach?

THAT WAS SUCH A HORRIBLE IDEA

I'm glad you're here. Jay, would you mind explaining to your father exactly what this article says?

Hmm. Oh yeah, Fergie's pregnant, dad. Totally knocked up. Probably twins.

Pay up.

THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE

Dad, how would that be impossible? Did you bet that she'd... what, never be a mom or something?

Not quite.

TWENTY DOLLARS SAID THAT THING HAS A PENIS AND NO DISTENDED BELLY IS GOING TO TELL ME OTHERWISE

Oh god. Yeah dad, she's a chick, and she's definitely pregnant.

What do you mean definitely? I mean, the article says that she said it's not true and her publi

Well for one, she told me a couple days ago.

She... what?

WHAT, YOU SPOKE TO THE HE-MEDUSA AND YOU WEREN'T TURNED INTO A TERROR-WROUGHT STATUE

Oh, something like that.

Uh oh.

(grins)

SON, IF YOU SAY WHAT I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY, IT WILL PROBABLY MAKE MY HEAD EXPLODE

Heh heh heh.

THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN KI-JANA CARTER STOLE THE PRESIDENT'S LIMOUSINE AND DROVE IT INTO LAKE ERIE, AS GOD AS MY WITNESS I THOUGHT LIMOUSINES COULD FLOAT

You did all the hard work for me, Dad. After you told her she had a penis

SHE DOES

...she came into my office very upset and needing to be comforted. So I "comforted" her.

I may be sick.

Five minutes of sweet-talking, and it was Spread HD, baby! Whooooo! Right there on the desk!

WAS SHE CIRCUMCISED

Dad, she's a woman! She is ALL woman! Yeah!

SO YOU PROVIDE ME WITH A GRANDCHILD AND IT IS WITH A TRANSVESTITE

For the last time. She's a chick. Guys don't have ovaries or a uterus or pert brea

I HOPE YOU ENJOY RAISING A CHILD WITH A GIANT UNCUT JOHNSON STICKING RIGHT OUT OF ITS FOREHEAD

(H/T: MC Run)