Steve Spurrier is getting ready to celebrate.
Not because he thinks his team is going to win the Outback Bowl. They won't. He probably knows that. Actually, he's not even thinking about his beloved Gamecocks this week. He's got his eyes on the Detroit Lions.
As you may know, Spurrier was the quarterback of what most consider to be the shittiest team in NFL history: the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He threw 7 touchdown passes the entire year on his way to leading the Bucs to 14 consecutive losses that season.
7 touchdown passes? That's all he threw was 7 goddam touchdown passes?
That's right, Harry Doyle. As the leader of that losing shitstorm, Steve Spurrier was Custer at Little Bighorn. He was Barry Goldwater's campaign manager. He was Jamie fucking Pollard.
This weekend he has the chance to finally get the monkey off his back. The Detroit Lions are on the verge of becoming the the first 0-16 team in history, propelling the franchise and Dan Orlovsky into NFL folklore. After this Sunday, Spurrier could finally become the QUARTEBACK OF THE SECOND-SHITTIEST TEAM OF ALL TIME!!! YAY!
Not a big deal to you or I, but this truly means something to the Old Balls Coach.
It is a little known "fact" that every year he watches the last place NFL team intently, hoping that they can build a mound of shit greater than one he piled up in 1976. And like the 1972 Dolphins, who (allegedly) get together and toast champagne when the last undefeated team loses, Spurrier and the 1976 Bucs drown their sorrows by getting completely fucking ass-hammered on PBR tallboys when the last winless team finally tastes victory. This year, they could finally be celebrating instead of sobbing uncontrollably into 24oz cans of gut-rot.
Personally, I hope Detroit is victorious. I hope they win by 50 points. I hope Steve Spurrier lives in NFL infamy forever.
Of course that's not going to happen. The game is at Lambeau. Also, the Lions are goddam awful. You probably haven't seen it firsthand, though, unless you have Calvin Johnson on your fantasy team or were bored out of your mind on Thanksgiving. I recommend checking them out. It's like watching a slow-motion car wreck on repeat. Or Indiana vs a Big Ten opponent (jNU excepted).
So when the Lions do lose and cement their place in history as maybe the most inept team in the history of modern football, I want you to raise your big can of Busch high in the air and salute the 1976 Buccaneers. Because no matter what the history books say, Steve Spurrier and the Bucs will always have a special place deep in the asshole of my heart.
- The Campaign of Disdain
- The Curse of the Worse
- The Committee of the Shitty
- The Chasse for Last
- The Warrer of the Poorer