Setting: University of Tampa athletic facilities. The Hawkeyes are training for the Outback Bowl there, and though the day's practices have long since given way to darkness, the coaches toil in front of a VCR and small TV. The middle-aged men squint at the screen, trying to divine any hint, no matter how small, of how to attack the vaunted Steve Spurrier offense.
There he goes in motion. That's #86, right?
Yep. And they're running it behind him again. They get trips and take their chances with the numbers.
Well, now wait, that was off an audible. You think they're keeping those stale for six weeks? Have we seen them actually line up and run it like that? Because otherwise there's no point in building it into Pat's pre-snap checkdown.
But if they audible that motion--
--then yeah.
Yeah.
BUT SHE AIN'T MESSIN WITH NO BROKE BROKE
God damn it, Ken.
Ken, for the last time. Turn off your iPod.
But you guys are doing defense stuff and I'm boooored.
That doesn't give you license to sing loudly while the rest of us are working.
Why do you even like that song, anyway? It's at least three years old. Kanye had a new album out like last year.
It's dumb.
Well, Ken, if you'd like to contribute something to this discussion, you're more than welcome to. Have you noticed something about this USC offense that we need to know?
With your (snicker) infinite offensive wisdom?
BAHAHAHAHAHA
LOL
LMAO
ROR
Wait, who are you again?
uh
Rester Erb
Fine, how about this? How about the fact that Spurrier usually uses underneath routes to draw the defender toward what's in front of him and that opens up intermediate routes so USC can make those 10-15 yard passes that have been our one weakness all year?
What are you saying, Ken?
I'm saying unless there's some real variance in the depth at which our LBs play the base zone and the coverage we throw at them, Garcia's going to be toying with Hunter and Greenwood all day long.
(stunned silence)
(also silent)
(deadry sirent)
BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
You're so dumb, Ken! Their offense is putrid! Nobody can throw on that team!
That kid's dumber'n Helen Keller with a Speak 'n Spell!
HAW HAW HAW HAW
Fine! If you won't listen to me, I'll just (sniffle) ... I'll just go!
Oh, c'mon, Ken, sit back down.
No! You're smiling because this is all really funny to you!
Well yeah.
(storms out)
LOLOLOROROL
Later, in his hotel room...
Stupid coaches won't listen to what I have to say. Think I'm so dumb. Who was the one who figured out that Purdue was overplaying the first step and put in those counters that Shonn got so many yards off of, huh? Who figured out that the backside roll out would be so wide open on the last pass before we kicked that field goal to beat PSU?
(sniffle)
Who kicked Wisconsin's and Indiana's and Minnesota's ASSES?!?
Stupid coaches. If they don't want me then fine. They won't have to see me ever again.
(opens suitcase, but with purpose)
I'll show them. I'll show the world.
Meanwhile, in an office across town, an opposing coach fiddles idly with a magnetic depth chart. His phone rings.
Hello!
Yeah, this head ball coach.
He ran a what? ...yeah, I told you he could go.
Wait what?
Slow down, son, you're speaking too fast.
Meet me at the Tampa Mall in 15 minutes. Yes, all cities only have one mall and they're named after the city. Just meet me there.
Yeah yeah, click clack.
What's wrong, Coach?
ahem.
Fine. What's wrong, "The Ol' Ballcoach"?
Just got a weird call from one of our boys. Said he had crucial information that he couldn't even give over the phone.
One of our players said that?
He said he was a Gamecock. I gotta hurry and get on the Tampa Highway if I want to get there in time.
Get going, then. I'll take care of everything here.
Good. You're my only assistant left, Cocky, and I don't know what I'd do without you.
Thanks, TOBC. Click clack.
Click clack.
After a hasty drive to the Tampa Mall, Spurrier arrives in his rental car, a 2008 Nissan Tampa (hey wait a second). A shadowy figure waits.
Yeah, this Head Ballcoach.
How would you like to receive enough information to bring down the Iowa Hawkeyes this New Years Day... once and for all?!
Now what does that mean, son? "Once and for all"?
Oh, beat them by like 40.
I'd say I'm interested. What's your end of the bargain? You want cash? Ol' Ball Coach can't be handing out money to his players. That's a snake trap all the way, they'll gitcha. No money.
I don't want money, Mr. Spurrier
Ol' Ball Coach will be fine, thank you.
No money, Mr. Ol' Ball Coach
thank you
and I'm not one of your players at all.
Now wait one goshdang second son, you told me you were a Gamecock on the phone! Now you start giving me some straight answers or we're through here and I'm disavowin' all of this!
Oh, but you misunderstood. I'm not a Gamecock.
I am...
"GAMEKOK!"
Thrilling action, mystery, and intrigue! For the latest in revenge, vengeance, and revengeance at this year's Outback Bowl, stay tuned to BHGP!