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Revenge Is The Only Vengeance, Part I

Setting: University of Tampa athletic facilities. The Hawkeyes are training for the Outback Bowl there, and though the day's practices have long since given way to darkness, the coaches toil in front of a VCR and small TV. The middle-aged men squint at the screen, trying to divine any hint, no matter how small, of how to attack the vaunted Steve Spurrier offense.

Iconparker_medium There he goes in motion. That's #86, right?

Iconferentz_medium Yep. And they're running it behind him again. They get trips and take their chances with the numbers.

Iconparker_medium Well, now wait, that was off an audible. You think they're keeping those stale for six weeks? Have we seen them actually line up and run it like that? Because otherwise there's no point in building it into Pat's pre-snap checkdown.

Iconferentz_medium But if they audible that motion--

Iconparker_medium --then yeah.

Iconferentz_medium Yeah.


Iconcampbell_medium God damn it, Ken.

Iconferentz_medium Ken, for the last time. Turn off your iPod.

Iconokeefe_medium But you guys are doing defense stuff and I'm boooored.

Iconferentz_medium That doesn't give you license to sing loudly while the rest of us are working.

Iconcampbell_medium Why do you even like that song, anyway? It's at least three years old. Kanye had a new album out like last year.

Iconokeefe_medium It's dumb.

Iconferentz_medium Well, Ken, if you'd like to contribute something to this discussion, you're more than welcome to. Have you noticed something about this USC offense that we need to know?

Iconparker_medium With your (snicker) infinite offensive wisdom?

Iconcampbell_medium BAHAHAHAHAHA

Iconferentz_medium LOL

Iconparker_medium LMAO

Iconsoldier_medium ROR

Iconferentz_medium Wait, who are you again?

Iconsoldier_medium uh

Iconsoldier_medium Rester Erb

Iconokeefe_medium Fine, how about this? How about the fact that Spurrier usually uses underneath routes to draw the defender toward what's in front of him and that opens up intermediate routes so USC can make those 10-15 yard passes that have been our one weakness all year?

Iconferentz_medium What are you saying, Ken?

Iconokeefe_medium I'm saying unless there's some real variance in the depth at which our LBs play the base zone and the coverage we throw at them, Garcia's going to be toying with Hunter and Greenwood all day long.

Iconparker_medium (stunned silence)

Iconferentz_medium (also silent)

Iconsoldier_medium (deadry sirent)

Iconcampbell_medium BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Iconferentz_medium You're so dumb, Ken! Their offense is putrid! Nobody can throw on that team!

Iconparker_medium That kid's dumber'n Helen Keller with a Speak 'n Spell!

Iconcampbell_medium HAW HAW HAW HAW

Iconokeefe_medium Fine! If you won't listen to me, I'll just (sniffle) ... I'll just go!

Iconferentz_medium Oh, c'mon, Ken, sit back down.

Iconokeefe_medium No! You're smiling because this is all really funny to you!

Iconferentz_medium Well yeah.

Iconokeefe_medium (storms out)

Iconcampbell_mediumIconparker_mediumIconsoldier_mediumIconferentz_medium LOLOLOROROL

Later, in his hotel room...

Iconokeefe_medium Stupid coaches won't listen to what I have to say. Think I'm so dumb. Who was the one who figured out that Purdue was overplaying the first step and put in those counters that Shonn got so many yards off of, huh? Who figured out that the backside roll out would be so wide open on the last pass before we kicked that field goal to beat PSU?

Iconokeefe_medium (sniffle)

Iconokeefe_medium Who kicked Wisconsin's and Indiana's and Minnesota's ASSES?!?

Iconokeefe_medium Stupid coaches. If they don't want me then fine. They won't have to see me ever again.

Iconokeefe_medium (opens suitcase, but with purpose)

Iconokeefe_medium I'll show them. I'll show the world.

Meanwhile, in an office across town, an opposing coach fiddles idly with a magnetic depth chart. His phone rings.

Spurrier_medium Hello!

Spurrier_medium Yeah, this head ball coach.

Spurrier_medium He ran a what? ...yeah, I told you he could go.

Spurrier_medium Wait what?

Spurrier_medium Slow down, son, you're speaking too fast.

Spurrier_medium Meet me at the Tampa Mall in 15 minutes. Yes, all cities only have one mall and they're named after the city. Just meet me there.

Spurrier_medium Yeah yeah, click clack.

Iconcocky_medium What's wrong, Coach?

Spurrier_medium ahem.

Iconcocky_medium Fine. What's wrong, "The Ol' Ballcoach"?

Spurrier_medium Just got a weird call from one of our boys. Said he had crucial information that he couldn't even give over the phone.

Iconcocky_medium One of our players said that?

Spurrier_medium He said he was a Gamecock. I gotta hurry and get on the Tampa Highway if I want to get there in time.

Iconcocky_medium Get going, then. I'll take care of everything here.

Spurrier_medium Good. You're my only assistant left, Cocky, and I don't know what I'd do without you.

Iconcocky_medium Thanks, TOBC. Click clack.

Spurrier_medium Click clack.

After a hasty drive to the Tampa Mall, Spurrier arrives in his rental car, a 2008 Nissan Tampa (hey wait a second). A shadowy figure waits.

Spurrier_medium Yeah, this Head Ballcoach.

Iconshadow_medium How would you like to receive enough information to bring down the Iowa Hawkeyes this New Years Day... once and for all?!

Spurrier_medium Now what does that mean, son? "Once and for all"?

Iconshadow_medium Oh, beat them by like 40.

Spurrier_medium I'd say I'm interested. What's your end of the bargain? You want cash? Ol' Ball Coach can't be handing out money to his players. That's a snake trap all the way, they'll gitcha. No money.

Iconshadow_medium I don't want money, Mr. Spurrier

Spurrier_medium Ol' Ball Coach will be fine, thank you.

Iconshadow_medium No money, Mr. Ol' Ball Coach

Spurrier_medium thank you

Iconshadow_medium and I'm not one of your players at all.

Spurrier_medium Now wait one goshdang second son, you told me you were a Gamecock on the phone! Now you start giving me some straight answers or we're through here and I'm disavowin' all of this!

Iconshadow_medium Oh, but you misunderstood. I'm not a Gamecock.

Iconshadow_medium I am...




Thrilling action, mystery, and intrigue! For the latest in revenge, vengeance, and revengeance at this year's Outback Bowl, stay tuned to BHGP!