Langley AFB, Virginia. Hundreds of young men with crew cuts, and one with a flowing mullet, train as a sergeant fifteen years their elder barks orders.
AT EASE MAGGOTS
TIME TO GO BACK TO THE MESS HALL
I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY ABOUT EVERYTHING
TEN HUUUUUT
Hey, surfer boy! You, with the hair!
Hey.
Some of the guys were checking with intel, and they think that you're the J Leman.
Yeah.
Awww, no way! You turned down the #1 pick in all of football to defend freedom! That's so rad!
If I didn't do it, we wouldn't have a National Football League. It would be a National Fascism League. Me, I'm interested in a Neverending Freedom League.
Then you saved America from terrorists!
High Five! Let's go eat some food!
Hey, new guy, only civilians don't call it "food."
Oops.
Chow.
Surprised you didn't know that.
Daww, it's just, you're J Leman. Nobody else would be badass enough to train for Freedom Squad in a necktie!
Double Windsor, triple freedom.
YEAH! Wait, where are you going? It's chowtime!
Helicopter maintenance pad. I don't get hungry. I get freedom.
That doesn't make sense but it's still awesome!
In a sunlit office in Champaign or Urbana, wherever those buttfuckers play...
He was there, Titty Sprinkles! He was supposed to stay in Florida!
My name is Secretary!
Secretary? Try Sugarpussy! My job is in jeopardy! My life is in jeopardy! My curlies turned white and they're fallin' out! I. am. not. ROLLIN.
I just don't get it! Why can't you be near him?! It makes no sense!
We share powers! Brothers do that! And I got all the intensity, and he got all the mellow!
And the smell?
I got all that too. He got the moustache.
I didn't think brothers could
WE CAN, ALL RIGHT? AND IF HE TOUCHES ME ONCE, JUST ONCE, I REVERT TO NORMAL RON, AND I REVERT TO NORMAL SLEEP!
And?!
IT'S RETROFUCKINACTIVE! I'LL BE ASLEEP FOR THE NEXT EIGHT MONTHS! I'LL NEVER HAVE A JOB AGAIN! I'LL BE RUINED! I WILL BE TOO FUCKING BUSY BEING POOR AND FUCKING HOMELESS TO EVER BE ABLE TO DO THIS
OR THIS
EVER FUCKING AGAIN! NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A TEXT FUCKING MESSAGE TO SEND.
FINE! (leaves)
Goddamn impossible to get a decent slob job around here. This place is nothing like Gainesvegas.
THE T9 FOILS ME AGAIN! THIS BETTER NOT BE FORESHADOWING A FATAL FLAW IN MY PLAN
Back at Langley...
Hand me a lugnut, Hammaker.
Sure thing, Leman.
BEEP
Doooowwwwwww
Must kill ancestors.
What?!
BEEP
Doooowwwwwww
Must kill Bobert.
Who's Bobert?! What's going on? Does Freedom Squadron Command know about this?!
BANG
AW SHIT FUCK DAMN BALLS MY KNEES, YOU SHOT BOTH MY KNEES WITH ONE GUN BULLET
Time to helicopter to Pensacola.
FREEEEEEEEEDOM :-(