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The Zook Murders: Part 1


...were called to a storage unit at Uncle Bob's Self Storage here in Pensacola after a customer noticed what seemed to be blood seeping from the shed door. What they found was a murder. Police say Bobert Zook, 49, was actually residing in the shed, as a waiting room chair, a mattress, and several cans of Hamm's were found inside. Zook was shot twice, police say, in an execution-style killing. There are currently no suspects.

Icontv_medium  BEEOOOP

Detectiveicon_medium  There you have it, Coach.
Zookicon_mediumWow. You're sure it's Bobert?
Detectiveicon_medium  Yeah. Dental records. Only guy in America with no molars.
Zookicon_mediumThat's him.

Detectiveicon_medium   I hate to ask you right after you find out, but I have to. Any ideas who could do this?

Zookicon_medium  Gosh, I wish I knew. You know, we'd been estranged for a while, he was doing his thing in Pensacola and I moved up here when I had a chance. We really didn't ever talk after Dad died.
Detectiveicon_medium  Any associates of his that would do this?

Zookicon_mediumI really don't know. I wish I could help, Officer.

Detectiveicon_medium  How does that happen, anyway? Guy lives in a garage, basically.
Zookicon_mediumThat was Bobert. Didn't matter where you put him, he could have a good time. Here's a picture of him from '98 at his old trailer before he burned it down trying to solder a weathervane onto it.




Detectiveicon_medium  That's the same chair that was in his shed.
Zookicon_medium  He loved that thing.
Detectiveicon_medium  Well, look, here's my card. You find out anything at all, don't hesitate to call me. We'll find your brother's killer and let you get some closure, all right?
Zookicon_medium  You got it. Zook's honor.
Detectiveicon_medium  Sounds good, Coach. Get after them Hawkeyes this weekend!
Zookicon_medium  Exactly. My secretary'll show you out.

Iconsecretary45_medium  Right this way.

Detectiveicon_medium  Oh, before I go, one more thing. Do you have any enemies that might do this?

Zookicon_medium  Uh, why do you ask?

Detectiveicon_medium  Well, we found this picture there.


Zookicon_medium  Oh, yeah. Wow. That's me at Miami. I haven't seen that in years, Officer. Probably something Bobert kept.

Detectiveicon_medium  You're not worried?

Zookicon_medium  Nah. The Zooker doesn't make enemies.

Detectiveicon_medium  Look, we're just saying, we can keep an eye out

Zookicon_medium  No, YOU look. I have a public job at a public university with a public e-mail address, and nobody has made any threats to me. Hell, every Saturday, I stand out in front of tens of thousands of people who have a clear shot at me for three hours. If someone wanted to take me out, they could have done it so many times by now. And nobody that I know even knew where Bobert lived. Hell, I barely know half the time.

Detectiveicon_medium  Knew, sir.

Zookicon_medium  [sigh] Right. Sorry. Knew. Anyway, I won't be worried until someone gives me a threat. And I'll tell you as soon as that happens. For now, I just want to do my job.

Detectiveicon_medium  Okay. You've got my card.

Zookicon_medium  Have a good day.

Iconsecretary45_medium  Right this way.

Zookicon_medium  [stares off into space]

Zookicon_medium  (Where on earth did he get that picture?)

Far off, a car door closes, and an engine starts. Zook blinks.

Iconsecretary45_medium  How you holding up, Mr. Zook?

Zookicon_medium  Hmm?

Iconsecretary45_medium  Your brother was just murdered. You... doing okay?

Zookicon_medium  No, I'm not doing okay.

Iconsecretary45_medium  I understand.

Zookicon_medium  In fact...

Zookicon_medium  THE ZOOKER IS ROLLLLLLIN!!!!!!

Zookicon_medium  WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Iconsecretary45_medium  I... am going to go now.


Iconsecretary45_medium  (hurries out)

Zookicon_medium  (grabs his trusty phone)


Zookicon_medium  SON OF A BITCH


Zookicon_medium  God damn T9.

In a motel room in Florida...

Iconcell_medium  BEEP

Blonde_medium  (stirs)

Iconcell_medium  BEEP

Blonde_medium  Baby? Baby, your phone just beeped a couple times.

The bathroom door opens, and steam billows out.


Iconreman_medium  Cool.

Blonde_medium  Come get some lovin'.