[Pre-emptive Terrorist Fist Jab to TOGTM]
Welcome to Blogger Jeopardy. I'm your host, Will Ferrell's impression of Alex Trebek, and we have quite a contest in front of us. In third place, with negative $4,400, is Governor of Alaska and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin!
Thank you Will Ferrell Alex, and I'm just so happy to be here with Americans as we celebrate a great institution called learning and such as to exchange ideas and facts without the media filter and job creation is just not a scary thing under that umbrella as he rears his own head and how is that even possible heads don't even have rears or not places to rear themselves anyway and did you know Barack Obama is a terrorist?
Wonderful. In second place with negative $3,100, an old friend of ours who still has not taken off that oversized hat, Burt Reynolds!
That's not my name.
Fine, Turd Ferguson.
Heh. Funny name.
No it is not. And finally, an even older friend of the program, with no dollars and a missing buzzer, all the way from Happy Valley, Penn State head football coach Joe Paterno!
MISTER PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU
Mr. Paterno
THANK YOU
has requested that we call him Mr. Paterno.
THANK YOU
Hey talking guy. Check it out.
And it appears Turd Ferguson has changed his name once again to Dick Biggington.
Ha! It's a funny name. Dick Biggington.
No it isn't.
It means I have a large penis.
No it does not.
Funny name.
We have quite the Double Jeopardy in front of us, so let's look at the topics. They are:
New Offensive Schemes In 2008, not many of those, Potpourri, Modern American Literature, which we will skip, Coaches, Food Is Yummy, and finally, Big Ten Teams in Minnesota. Governor Palin, you haven't come close to answering a question correctly or even coherently, but since rules dictate that the contestant in last place chooses the first category, I regret to inform the audience that the board is yours.
I'm goin' to choose Joe Six-Pack!
That is not a category.
Poot'n?
No.
Joooe Sixp--
NO
MISTER SIXPACK WILL BE FINE THANK YOU
That! That one!
THANK YOU
No! For crying out loud, let's start with New Offensive Schemes for $200. "This oft-maligned quarterbacks coach and his offensive approach that has rolled over opponents." Mr. Paterno, you may know this.
WHAT IS THE SINGLE WING
Incorrect.
THE T-FORMATION
It's not your turn, and no.
THE REVERSE COWGIRL
That's how I made Trig and he came out extra retarded!
What?! Stop it. Dick?
NO THANK YOU
Yeah uh, it's football.
No.
Yeah it is. They play football.
Yes, but that's
Colors for a thousand.
For the last time, football is incorrect! The correct response was, "what is Jay Paterno and the Spread HD?"
DO NOT DARE USE MY DAMNED PROSTITUTE SON'S NAME IN FRONT OF ME
(runs out of Radio City Music Hall crying)
As much of a raging success that last question was, let's switch gears to Coaches for $200. And the answer is, "This icon was named the 'Big Ten's Sexiest Coach Feature' in 2007, beating out Ron Zook's muscles and Bill Lynch's 11-inch mansausage." Yes, Ms. Palin, you rang in first?
Well, I certainly can answer that question, Alex. You see, Alaska shares a narrow maritime border with Russia, and we can see them from our state if the skies are clear and we're on an uninhabited island and we're looking at their uninhabi
Time.
In what respect, Charlie?
Time's up.
When did you change into a pink shirt? Yes, Mr. Paterno.
THANK YOU, THE ANSWER IS KIRK FERENTZ'S GAMS
What? Good lord, no. Mr. Biggington will not be ringing in, as he has wandered away from the stage once again. The correct response is, what is Joe Tiller's Mustache? Good heavens, even Terri Schiavo would dominate you people.
I WOULD LIKE TO CHOOSE A CATEGORY
Sure. Fine. Whatever. I'm drinking either way.
I REQUEST THE AMERICAN LITERATURE FOR $600 PLEASE, THANK YOU
I cannot recommend that, but you've done enough damage in the easy categories anyway, so here we go. This Alice Walker book was adapted into a movie that earned Whoopi Goldberg her first and only Oscar. I will be stunned if anybody gets this. Yes, Burt?
Dick.
Whatever.
Yeah, what's a ham sandwich?
No.
Ham sandwich.
NO. Come on, people. This is what LTP's dick looks like with his team at 5-0. Mr. Paterno?
I ONCE MADE WHOOPIE WITH A YOUNG LASS, PROBABLY NO OLDER THAN 16 WERE EITHER OF US. WHAT FUN WE HAD FROLICKING ALONG THE BANKS OF THE ALLEGHENY AND EXPLORING OUR YOUNG, NUBILE FRAMES WITH INVITING FINGERTIPS, MOUTHS, AND ANI. THE TWIST IS THAT AFTERWARDS SHE TOLD ME HER LAST NAME WAS GOLDBERG. THAT IS MY WHOOPIE GOLDBERG STORY
This nothing to do with
DO NOT INTERRUPT ME, YOU HEATHEN RAPSCALLION. LONG STORY SHORT, I HAD TO GO HOME AND TELL MY FATHER I HAD CONTRACTED THE DREADED JEWISH CHLAMYDIA. I COVETED MONEY FOR A DECADE AND SAW MY FORESKIN DECREASE EXPONENTIALLY
I'll just end this one now before we lose even more viewers and just say incorrect. The Color Purple, people? Anyone?
Light urple?
No! You want to take this one, Mrs. Palin?
Food.
Food for what?
For our world view?
No, for what amount? $200?
Our world view?
Are you always this dense?
You know what? Forget it. Let's move on to Final Jeopardy now for the good of all humanity. You're all catastrophically in debt to Merv Griffin Enterprises after this episode, so we'll just forgive the debt of whoever comes halfway close to answering this question correctly: Who is the movie "Rudy" about?
It could be the namesake of the movie... his nickname... perhaps his alma mater... even their nickname is good... Jon Favreau was in the movie, why not name him? That would be a win... anything at all, related to the movie, and you win. Anything that you can associate to the movie or even the word "Rudy" and you win. Anything.
Time is up, and here are our answers.
Governor Palin, you wrote... "No Socialism Fear The Black Guy." Wow.
I'm just a hockey mom!
The absolute worst in our nation's history. And you wagered... White Power with a dollar sign. Wow. Mr., um, Biggington, your response?
I didn't write anything.
Best answer yet. Mr. Paterno
THANK YOU
Say something, anything, about Rudy and you win. And your response? "I STRUGGLED TO KEEP MY TEAM INTERESTED IN 1973 WHEN WE BEAT A MIDDLING NCSU TEAM BY SIX TO KEEP OUR UNDEFEATED SEASON ALIVE. WE DESERVED TO LOSE THE GAME, WE DID. SO I FOUND A GOAT AND THAT IS WHERE THE FUN BEGAN." Okay, I'm not giving up on this. Did you kill it?
GOD YES
Was it named "Rudy"?
NO
Do you understand that if you say the word "Rudy" you automatically win on account of your opponents are drooling retards?
NO
Oh goddammit.
SO RUDY THE GOAT STARTS
Aha! I knew it! JoePa wins! Get me the hell out of here! Good night, people!
WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO
THE GYMNASIUM HAS GONE DARK
AND SO HAS MY PROSTATE
GOOD NIGHT PEOPLE
COME TO PENN SHTAAATE
Editor's note: Due to TLDNR constraints, we could not address the following answers from Mr. Bixel. Ironic, really, since the only reason we said we'd participate was the Hawkeye State question. Our contestants insisted we address these questions after the fact, so fine, whatever.
Who is Hawkeye State?
He is those who would question our freedom.
A JEW
What is Brains?
BRAAAAAIIIINS
Oh no!
OM NOM NOM
DERRR HARRRR WILLIAM AYERS
Okay, so JoePa just, uh, what's a nice way to put this? Uh, he just gave Governor Palin tickets to Syndrome of A Down. Let's say that.
THEY DON'T LOVE AMERICA! ^_-
Anyway. We also didn't get to these:
Who is Terrelle Pryor?
A JEW
Who is Mark May?
Fifth month of the year. Gimme Colors for a million.
Who is Rich Rodriguez?
A JEW
Fuck it. You're right, JoePa. A guy named Rodriguez is a Jew. You're right.
THANK YOU
Best wishes to Bixel and TOGTM, and thanks for hosting this total trainwreck. There's A Game On Saturday? will run Friday afternoon. Run for your lives.