clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Big Ten Bloggers Basketball Poll: Coaches' Inner Monologue Edition

The Big Ten Bloggers Basketball Poll is a labor of love supervised by Gopher Nation, voted on by a variety of bloggers with varying degrees of hoops knowledge, and brought to you every Sunday by Hawkeye State, whose inner monologue is the voice of David Lee Roth.

Division 1 basketball coaches are focused on winning games and improving their teams.  But even they can't concentrate all the time.  Your mind tends to wander when you've built a 30-point lead on Northwestern and emptied the bench [and you still have to coach the second half... - Ed.]  So what is on the mind of your favorite Big Ten coaches?  Being Thad Matta, after the jump.

(keep reading...)

1.  Indiana (17-2, 6-0) (Previous: #1)
Last week:  1-1 (W vs. Iowa, L vs. UConn)
Next week:  1/31 @ Wisconsin, 2/3 vs. Northwestern

I can't directly call a recruit.  I can't have my assistants call a recruit, then transfer the call to my phone.  I can't text message anyone.

Maybe if my assistants called the recruit and I just listened on speaker, they would get me for that, too.  Maybe I can use a pay phone...I just know someone would rat me out.  Telegraph might work.  Or carrier pigeons.  How do carrier pigeons know where they're supposed to...

Wait, what the fuck is UConn doing out there?

2.  Michigan State (18-2, 6-1) (Previous: #3)
Last week:  2-0 (W @ Northwestern, vs. Michigan)
Next week:  1/30 vs. Illinois, 2/2 @ Penn State

I'm not pulling the starters.  I'm not pulling the starters.  I'm not pulling the starters.

TURNOVER!  Damn it!  Damn you, redheaded tall guy!

I'm not pulling the starters.  I'm not pulling the starters.  I'm not pulling the starters.

FIELD GOAL!  Yes!  Well done, short bald guy!

I'm not pulling the starters.  I'm not pulling the starters.  I'm not pulling the starters.

NACHOS!  I'll take two!  Nice work, nacho vendor guy!

I'm not pulling the starters.  I'm not pulling the starters.  I'm not pulling the starters.

3.  Purdue (15-5, 6-1) (Previous: #4)
Last week:  2-0 (W @ Penn State, vs. Wisconsin)
Next week:  1/30 vs. Iowa, 2/2 @ Illinois

I own Paulie Walnuts.

4.  Wisconsin (16-3, 6-1) (Previous: #2)
Last week:  1-1 (W vs. Michigan, L @ Purdue)
Next week:  1/31 vs. Indiana, 2/3 @ Minnesota

I'm sick of Painter calling me Paulie Walnuts.  Like that Shane McMahon clone has the right to play lookalikes.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe some wings in the hair would be nice...

What does "supersoaking dat ho" entail?  I bet Krabbenhoft knows.  He's gangsta.

5.  Ohio State (14-6, 5-2) (Previous: #5)
Last week:  2-0 (W vs. Illinois, vs. Minnesota)
Next week:  1/29 @ Penn State, 2/2 @ Iowa



Hey, what happened to my gum?

There, that's better.


6.  Minnesota (12-6, 2-4) (Previous: #6)
Last week:  0-1 (L @ aOSU)
Next week: 1/31 @ Michigan, 2/3 vs. Wisconsin

Holy shit.  It's cold.  I can't warm up.  It's 20 below out there, for God's sake.  Maybe I could kill Spencer Tollackson and use his hide as a coat.

I told that damn agent to put a cold weather clause in the contract.  Of course, he didn't do that, and now I'm stuck here.  I have the worst agent ever.  Maybe I could kill my agent and put my hands in his chest cavity for warmth.

I guess it could be worse.  I could be Brewster.  Man, that football team really sucks.  I could make this place a basketball school without even trying.  Would anyone even notice if I killed Brewster and stole his coat?

I think this cold is driving me crazy.

7.  Iowa (10-11, 3-5) (Previous: #7)
Last week:  1-1 (L @ Indiana, W vs. Penn State)
Next week:  1/30 @ Purdue, 2/2 vs. Ohio State

Goddamn punk kids leaving the locker room messy.  What do they think I am, their maid?  Should I buy a little French maid uniform and coach the games in that?  It's like these people were born, fully formed, at age 20, knowing nothing about the ways of the world.  Gorney looks like he needs burped.

It could be worse, of course.  I could be DeChellis.  Poor bastard.  That team is awful.

8.  Illinois (9-11, 1-6) (Previous: #9)
Last week:  1-1 (L @ aOSU, W vs. Northwestern)
Next week:  1/30 @ Michigan State, 2/2 vs. Purdue

I have so many things to do in the next month.  I need to start carrying a notepad so I can make lists.

I know Times New Roman is default, but I think Helvetica tells an employer I'm classy.  Or maybe something in a sans serif would work.  What was my GPA again?  I need to get a transcript.

Can I wear this suit to a job interview, or should I buy something new?

I wonder if Painter or Lowery needs an assistant.

Does list coaching jobs?

9.  Michigan (5-15, 1-7) (Previous: #10)
Last week:  0-2 (L  Wisconsin, @ Michigan State)
Next week:  1/31 vs. Minnesota

I used to have hair.  I had glorious hair.  I looked like Fabio.

Where did I go wrong?  What did I do to deserve this?  I'm three more lost hairs from looking like Gene Keady.

I need to learn how to pronounce Ekpe Udoh's name.  Ekpe Udoh.  Ekpe Udoh.  Ekpe...oh, who am I kidding?  It took me 4 years to learn how to say "Pittsnogle."  How the hell am I going to learn "Ekpe Udoh."

Giuseppe Franco is full of crap.

I used to have hair.

10.  Penn State (10-9, 2-5) (Previous: #8)
Last week:  0-2 (L vs. Purdue, @ Iowa)
Next week:  1/29 vs. aOSU, 2/2 vs. Michigan State

Geary Claxton.  Injured.  Nope.
Gary Cooper.  Dead.  Nope.
Gary Condit.  Probably in jail.  Nope.
Gary Cole.  Can't watch him without thinking of Lumbergh.  Nope.
Gary Coleman.  Undersized, but he probably has some eligibility remaining.  Do you lose amateur status for working on a sitcom?  Maybe I'll give him a call.
Gary Carter.  Retired catcher.  Probably bad knees.  Nope.

11.  Northwestern (6-10, 0-6) (Previous: #11)
Last week:  0-2 (L vs. Michigan State, @ Illinois)
Next week:  1/30 vs. Texas-Pan American, 2/3 @ Indiana

Costanza ate strawberries in Babe Ruth's jersey, destroyed a World Series trophy, and ran around Yankee Stadium in a body suit, yet he didn't get fired.

Maybe I can try that.