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Jake Christensen on Deal or No Deal


(raucous applause from audience)

Howie: Welcome to Deal Or No Deal, where we try to make you a millionaire! Today's first contestant is from Lockport, Illinois, but he's a famous quarterback at the University of Iowa. Ladies and gentlemen, Jake Christensen!

(the crowd cheers energetically)

Welcome to the show, Jake! Are you ready to play Deal... or No Deal?

Jake: Yes, sir, I am! Whooo!

Howie: Well then... bring out the models!

(audience applauds wildly)

The models step in, all spectacularly beautiful, and all wearing numbered black jerseys that scarcely cover their ample chests. Howie hoists a bag of Nerf footballs onto the stage, and Jake's face blanches in terror.

Howie: Well, Mr. Big Shot Quarterback...

Jake: No, no, no, let's just play norm--

Howie: If you want to select a suitcase, you'll have to toss a Nerf brand football to its lovely model!

(crowd cheers like they've all just won a million dollars)


Howie: What do you say?




(keep reading...)

Howie: Right, we'll be editing that out for the broadcast. Okay, you know the rules. You have to select one briefcase as your own, and the banker will be offering you money for whatever's inside it. After every bid, you must choose: Deal, or no--

Jake: Give me briefcase #6 and then open 21-26. Whatever the bid is, no deal.

Howie: That's not how the show works. Well, it is, but you have to pick the briefcases by thr--

Jake: Damn it.

Howie: You did select #6, so let's take that for you. Now here's a football, supplied by our good friends at Nerf. Why don't you just give it a toss to one of our lovely models, who we dressed up just for you.

Jake: Ugh...

Howie: They're just 10 yards away. Let me demonstrate.

Howie picks up a ball and softly tosses it to model #1, who catches it easily and jumps up and down in celebration. Millions of men strain for a glimpse of a nipple.

Jake: All right. This can't be so hard. Uhh... model 21, then.

Jake winds up and tosses a ball that skips off the ground and hits one of the girls in the front row in the shin. It's Nerf, but she's in heels, so she falls. Again, millions of men strain for a glimpse of a nipple.

Jake: Whoops! Uh, Model 21, here you go!

Jake throws another ball that careens off the video screen into the crowd.

Howie: Why, uh... why don't we meet some folks you brought with you.

Jake: Okay. There's my parents and my brother.

The Christensens wave, and the crowd claps politely.

Howie: Now, you're a football player. Is it weird not to have any of your football family here with you?

Jake: Uh, sort of, I gue--

Howie: Well, no need to worry, because... here's your offensive coordinator, Ken O'Keefe!

O'Keefe enters from a side door, grinning. Jake's eyes widen, and he is wracked with panic.

KOK: Hello, Jake!

Howie: We flew him in all the way from Iowa City! How about that!

Jake: I... he's not supposed... restraini--

KOK: Looks like you're having a bit of trouble with this! I can help!

Jake backs away from the stage and stands behind his father.

KOK:Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to touch you.

Howie: Interesting response from the young man, Ken! So, tell me all about what you do and how you, uh... how you plan to help Jake today.

KOK:Well, you see, I...

Ken stops abruptly, grabs Howie's hand, and licks it. Howie, being extremely germophobic, suffers a full-blown panic attack. He runs screaming in terror off the stage, out of the building, and into oncoming traffic. He was 52.

KOK: You see Jake, you have to make tough decisions sometime. It's part of being a leader. You have to analyze the threat and deal with it.

Jake: Whew, thanks Ken. Maybe you're not such a creep.

KOK: I don't know about that, Jake...

KOK: (whispering into Jake's ear, in bed) I did lie about the touching.

Jake wakes up abruptly. There is a man next to him in bed. Again.

Jake: (wriggles out of O'Keefe's grip, jumps out of bed) AAAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

KOK: What? I'm helping with leadership!

Jake: You're like some sort of sexual Freddy Krueger!

KOK: Come back to bed!