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Keeping The Man Busy, Week 2

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Here's why athletic directors are frowning this morning...

And if we find out he let you change the preset radio stations, so help us God... On Friday, Texas suspended wideout Billy Pittman for three games for the unspeakably criminal act of borrowing a friend's car during the summer. The NCAA equates such an act with a renunciation of one's amateur status, which is helpful knowledge if you still needed a reason to hate the NCAA with a blinding fury. In addition to Saturday's 21-13 blowout, Pittman will miss the next two games before returning against Rice on the 22nd.

Really, though, the NCAA ought to amend the rule about borrowing cars; an outright ban is unnecessarily harsh, especially for students whose parents can't afford to give them one. Call it the Hoopty Clause: a player may borrow a car if its list value is below $4,000 and it will absolutely, positively not get a normal person laid. If you need to get somewhere in a hurry, athlete, you can drive there. But it'll have to be in a Buick.

AND HOW ABOUT THESE GAS PRICES AM I RIGHT FOLKS: There is really no "good" way to be involved in a gas-stealing scheme, but
Oklahoma receiver Ryan Broyles is definitely not in an enviable position after his arrest early Friday morning. Broyles was observed pumping gas at a closed gas station in Norman, and upon further investigation (i.e. looking at the pump), the officer found out that Broyles was in possession of a manual override key that, along with a security code, allows one to pump gas out of a closed pump. If Broyles intends to contend that his transgression was an isolated incident, his prospects are dim; owner (and former Norman mayor) Ron Henderson said the station had been investigating unexplained shortages for "several months." Further, not even he has a key, much less his employees.

We eagerly anticipate Broyles' legal defense, which will probably allege two facts: (1) that the key had been left in the pump by a different careless criminal; (2) both Broyles and the owner of the station are big Spaceballs fans. In the meantime, he has been indefinitely suspended.

Getting it right, the NCAA way: As you might recall, the Oklahoma program lost a recruit named Herman Mitchell, a Houston native who was shot and killed on Friday, August 24. A prominent Houston businessman and Oklahoma booster named Adam Fineberg began raising money to cover the cost of the funeral for the Mitchell family. Classy, right? The NCAA (ever the purveyors of grace and goodwill) disagreed, and informed OU by the following Tuesday that such a practice was illegal. Sure, they granted the program a waiver two days later by setting up a strict set of fundraising guidelines, but what the hell? Was there really nobody involved the decision-making process who thought that maybe the NCAA shouldn't go all Fred Phelps on this kid's funeral? The family is laying their young son to rest, not laundering money. Chill the fuck out.