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Keeping The Man Busy, Week 3

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Here's why athletic directors are frowning this morning...

All things considered, can we really blame the kid?: Let's start things off at home again, because fuck it. Second-string safety Lance Tillison was arrested for DWI Saturday night. He'll be suspended for two games and serve an undisclosed amount of community service. This news, as you may have guessed, absolutely thrills us here at BHGP. Jebus is already on his fourth bottle of Wild Irish Rose, I've been leaving vulgar messages on Kirk Ferentz's fake Facebook page, and HawkeyeState is listening to Morrissey nonstop.

Honestly though, the most surprising aspect of the arrest is the fact that everything else was on the up-and-up. Given the level of hostility that a loss like 15-13 should imbue, Tillison should have been picked up with any or all of the following:

  • in a stolen Bonneville
  • a brick of Colombian booger sugar
  • a loaded Uzi with the safety off sitting next to him
  • Kenny Irons's midget bound and gagged in the trunk
  • diapers

So congratulations, Lance Tillison, for racking up only one felony. You have far more restraint than I.

Finally, a situation where the phrase "purple drank, lawya" may actually be used in court: Texas safety Tyrell Gatewood, blah blah blah, DWBAF, blah blah blah, indefinite suspension, yeah yeah... wait a second...

Smelling marijuana, the deputy searched the vehicle and found pot,

go on...

Xanax,

you have our attention...

and a baby bottle full of codeine cough syrup[...]

Listen. Any society that criminalizes that purple drank is not a society I choose to live in. Tyrell, you have our undying support.