clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


Hey, degenerates, Jebus is back with some locks for you this week. Last week, I was 2-1 but I also gave you LSU and Iowa to cover as well. Since you're already into your book for about 5 years of regrettable drunken decisions, my plan is to get you out of the hole by the end of the season. Let's do this.

USC @ Nebraska (+9.5)

Have you ever been to Nebraska? I have. I dated a girl who was born and raised there. I visited her hometown one 4th of July weekend and it was like visiting another planet. The thing is, I'm from Iowa, so for me to say that, is saying something. Her tweaker brother was talking to me for 8 hours straight about their yearly car show in the town square. Normally I would have cut him off, but it was better than her daddy talking about the fucking Cornhuskers and beans. So I listened to this meth-faced lunatic talk about '77 Dusters for 8 hours. The next morning, crank-face was peering into the guest room at 7am with a hideous Skeletor-esque grin saying, "wakey wakey, brah. We gotta get the vette to the show!" I grabbed my pants, a thermos of Butternut (yum!), and off we went. I was at the car show with speed freaks for 6 hours and there wasn't one conversation that didn't involve Joel Mackovicka or Bondo. My point? Those fuckers define themselves by their football team, which isn't very good. Every single person in that state is obsessed with what those boys can do and Sam Keller has the weight of Nebraska on his shoulders. Sadly, he won't handle it well because he's going to be up against an athletic and aggressive defense from USC and they will break him. And you know Football Jesus Pete Carroll won't hesitate to drop 50 on the Cornhuskers either. This will be ugly like a prison rape. You can give the 9.5, hell, give 20, because USC is going to bury a platinum shiv in Lincoln's ample belly.

Hawaii @ UNLV (+17.5)

I never thought I'd be talking about UNLV football two weeks in a row but I also never thought Vegas would have lines that were so jacked up two weeks in a row. UNLV was a 4 TD dog to Wisconsin last week and nearly won outright. Hawaii makes a visit to Sin City this week. They left their defense on the island (can you blame them? Look at that!) as they always do when travelling. UNLV's beaten Hawaii 3 out of 4 and the last 2 at home. The Warriors can't stop anyone. They might win this game but they won't cover. Lay your money on the Rebels.

Akron @ Indiana (-13.5)

This isn't about great teams and intrigue, this is about getting your XBox 360 back from the pawn shop. Akron is horrible. Last week after their opening possession, they went 3 & out and punted 13 times in a row. That's the first time that's ever happened in the history of college football (probably). Indiana is no defensive juggernaut but they do have James Motherfucking Hardy and Kellen Lewis so they'll score at will. I told you to bet momma's house on Oregon last week, assuming you listened, you can put momma's houses and her summer house on Indiana this week. Read that again. Yeah, I just told you to bet your momma's houses on the Indiana Hoosier football team -- that's why they call it gambling.