BCS Super Fun Tortilla Chips Are A Big Deal Folks Title Game
LSU (11-2) vs. Ohio State (11-1)
It's probably fitting that the title game will be played by the two teams that spent the most time at #1 this season. Less fitting, of course, is the fact that neither was in line to play for the title three days ago, but whatever. LSU has been a joy to watch this season; after five veritable pistol-whippings to begin the season, their next four games were all absolute A-1 gems, some of the best of what was the most watchable college football season in a long, long time. It's hard to pick a favorite of the four; is it the 28-24 victory over Florida where LSU went 5-5 on 4th down conversions? What about the 41-34 win at Alabama where John Parker Wilson's heart was ripped out and urinated upon? Or this balls-of-steel, 22-yard TD pass with one second left that beat Auburn 30-24?
LSU has made for simply awesome television this season, and while that may be a non sequitur as far as their championship worthiness is concerned, it makes me happy that they're in over, let's say, Kansas. Or Wisconsin.
BCS Rose/Orange/Who Cares It's A Shitload Of Money Bowl
Illinois (9-3) vs. USC (10-2)
The Zooker's going to Pasadena. I repeat: The Zooker is going to Pasadena. Forget, if you will, that Illinois had won just two BXI games over the past four years or that Juice Williams is so woefully incapable of throwing the ball and spent half the season getting benched in the fourth quarter so a true freshman could play QB. The Zooker is going to Pasadena. What concerns us most is that he'll like what he encounters over there so much that we don't know what lengths he'll go to in order to stay. We're not making any accusations, but the odds that The Zooker spikes Pete Carroll's conditioner with strychnine and tries to take over the Trojans are about 75%.
Capital One Bowl Sponsored By Capital One What Is In Your Wallet Capital One Capital One Ignore Our Interest Rates Please
Michigan (8-4) vs. Florida (9-3)
Lloyd Carr's career will close as it usually was: technically good, but more disappointing than anything else. They backed into the Cap One after Wisconsin, who was so tired of going to Orlando twice in a row (OMG), cruelly and selfishly snatched the Outback Bowl away from Iowa. Was there money involved? Hookers? Dead ones? Maybe. That's all we're saying.
Of course, few violins will play for Michigan Fan, who is still going to the best non-BCS bowl in the conference. No, our lament will be reserved for January 2, when Brian's UFR of the second half just consists of "TACKLE HIM" over and over. Either that or he'll just name the place MGoTebow.
That, I'd like to see.
Wisconsin (9-3) vs. Tennessee (9-4)
The PR disaster continues for Tampa, as they are looking at economic losses in the millions (if not billions) as Iowa fans proudly stay home on January 1. What could have been a stirring matchup of plucky Iowa (6-6) and the Vawls is instead a bastard shell of a competition that we hope the Badgers lose by 80. Oh, and word to the Tampa-St. Pete metro area: You see where we keep saying "PR disaster for Tampa"? It's also the tag we're using. That's Web 2.0, baby. That's internet jeet kune do! It used to be there were no web results for that phrase. Now: 3. BOOYA.
On New Year's Day, Hawkeye fans, we are all Volunteers. Start memorizing Rocky Top now.
Alamo Bowl, Which Is Ironic, Since These Games Are Forgettable As Hell
Penn State (8-4) vs. Texas A&M (6-6)
Beware, Paterno. You've seen some stuff in your day, but the Aggies are crazy. Not crazy in a good or bad way, but in a unique way.
That is exactly what it looks like. They do it on purpose. They--well, they actually believe doing so has a purpose.
You're not dealing with mankind here, Mr. Paterno. It's something far different. Something far worse. Something far more... inbred.
The A&M version of Humanity Advanced
Trust me--you don't want to face 20,000 of those after you put a final humiliating nail into their 2007 coff--Oh, who the hell am I kidding? You're a brains-starved mangoblin whose heart hasn't beaten since 1987. You'll be fine, JoePa.
Champs Sports--Or More Accurately Sixth Place Finishers Sports--Bowl
Michigan State (7-5) vs. Boston College (9-3)
Part of me is happy that Iowa's not facing Boston College, who--let's be clear--would absolutely murder the Hawkeyes. But nonetheless, Iowa had 38 freshmen hit the field this season and about seven seniors. Or 10. Whatever, it wasn't much. The injuries were brutal, the receivers were ridiculously underqualified, Jake was too, and still all they had to do was beat Western Michigan and they'd be in Orlando for the holiday. As endings go, it's something that belongs in a Rob Zombie movie: heartless, brutal, and completely bereft of joy. Sort of like what BC's going to do to Sparty.
We Cannot Figure Out A More Boring Title Than Insight Bowl
Indiana (7-5) vs. Oklahoma State (6-6)
That's why I don't watch the Insight Bowl! Because it's garbage! And the graphic designer who let the logo come out is garbage! Come after me! I'm a man! I'm 40!* That's all I got to say. Makes me want to puke.
Motor City Eight Mile Bowl
Purdue (7-5) vs. Central Michigan (9-4)
And Purdue, by virtue of their winning record, will be visiting the Motor City Bowl, making this the only bowl I predicted correctly last week. I blame society. As for the game itself, I have nothing to say about it, so here's Joe Tiller eating the Heisman Trophy:
In his defense, he thought it was filled with chocolate.
So Iowa, thanks to the no-good Outback Bowl, is left out in the dark, which means your intrepid reporters make-shit-up-ers have four fewer weeks of things to talk about. We'll get by, of course; I'm working on more Photoshops of coaches putting shiny things in their mouths as if they were 14 months old, Jebus is penning angry missives to Lickliter for benching Gorney, and Hawkeye State is halfway through some incredible fan-fiction involving himself and the 1986 Chicago Bears. The sex is graphic, but not inappropriately so; what's more, it all appears to be consensual thus far. So keep your eyes out for that.
*Oops Pow Surprise is not 40.