Tim Brewster, playing with his balls
It's midnight in Minnesota. The football team has won one game (and lost to such juggernauts as North Dakota State, Florida Atlantic, and Bowling Green). Attendance is at an all-time low. Minnesota blogs and newspapers have long since moved on to The Tubby Smith Experience. Apathy is here, my friends. In fact, nobody wants to talk to first-year Minnesota head coach Tim Brewster anymore. Nobody, that is, but Black Heart Gold Pants.
I met with Coach Brewster at his palatial estate on Lake Minnetonka.
HS: Coach, thanks for meeting with me.
TB: ALL ABOARD THE GOPHER TRAIN! WE'RE GOING TO PASADENA!
HS: Yeah, about that. You claimed in your first press conference that you were taking Gopher Nation...
TB: GOPHER NATION BABY! WOOOO!
HS: ...yes, Gopher Nation, to Pasadena. We're one season in, you're about to finish 1-11, and the only things cheering Minnesota are the crickets in the Metrodome. Was that statement a mistake?
TB: I'm very, very glad you asked that. We are very, very excited about our start here at Minnesota. We think this team will be very, very good in the future. We're going to win. I'm very, very excited to report we're going to win. We're going to win. Win. Win.
HS: Your defense is about to concede 6,000 yards in one season, an all-time record. Your offense alternates between the spread you promised to install and the I-formation running game Glen Mason...
TB: (sticks index fingers in ears) La la la la la la! I can't hear you!
HS: ...preferred. There appears to be no coherence in your gameplan and no talent on the field. How do you expect to win, coach?
TB: I'm very, very happy with your line of questioning. I believe this team is on the verge of greatness. We have an excellent group of young men. Very, very excellent. This is a critical stretch of games for us, and we're very very excited to be playing in them. We're trying hard to win. Very, very hard, and I think it's going to pay off Saturday.
HS: Coach, you didn't answer the question, or any question for that matter. How do you plan on beating Iowa this weekend?
TB: We're going to play hard. We're going to battle. We've got the makings of a very, very good football team this year, and we're going to compete. Compete and win. Win.
HS: OK coach, what have you thought of your first tour through the Big Ten?
TB: I'm very honored and very privileged - you hear that, Hawkeye? PRIVILEGED! - to be a part of the Big Ten conference. I don't care what they all say about us; this is the best conference in the history of the universe of college football! This conference is great. Very, very great.
HS: This summer, shortly after taking the job here at Minnesota, you made some waves by allegedly calling Charlie Weis fat. You denied the truth of that story. My question is, why?
TB: I'm very, very glad you asked that. Charlie is a very, very good friend of mine, and I would never insult him. He knows a lot about football. And, yes, it is true that Charlie is fat. Very, very fat. But he is my friend, and friends don't call other friends fat. Got that, fatty?
HS: Did you just call me "fatty"?
TB: I'm very, very glad you asked that. HS is a very, very good friend of mine, and I would never insult him. He knows a lot about football. And, yes, it is true that HS is fat. Very, very fat. But he is my friend, and friends don't call other friends fat. Got that, fatty?
HS: Fine, whatever. Minnesota is known for its trophy games. You play for the Little Brown Jug...
TB: WE'RE GOING TO GET THAT LITTLE BROWN JUG! WISCONSIN IS GOING TO LOSE! VERY, VERY LOSE!
HS: Uh, coach, you play Michigan for the jug. You play Wisconsin for Paul Bunyan's Axe. This week, you play Iowa for Floyd of Rosedale, a bronze pig.
TB: A PIG! YES! WE'RE GOING TO WIN A PIG!
HS: How exactly do you plan on doing that?
TB: We're going to play hard. We're going to play strong. We're going to play smart. We're going...we're going...(sniffle) Oh God, HS...(all-out bawling) I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! I'm a good interviewer, man! My bro Drew told me I should apply for the Minnesota job, just for a laugh, you know? It was a prank! I was never supposed to get the job! And then they ushered me to this news conference, and they gave me a million dollars! A million dollars! I never even watched a Minnesota game before this year. (Now sobbing) I can't even name the members of the Big Ten conference. I'm a fraud, man! A FRAUD! SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE! IT'S PEOPLE!