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God Speaks

Sigh... I thought we were done with this.

Oh, I should make appearances. Ahem---I am God, ruler of the Earth and the Kingdom of Heaven! I am creator and destroyer! I am the alpha and the omega of the Universe! Genuflect, mortal!

I almost threw in something about being the only one who should get to capitalize "I" in the first person. Just some stuff I'm riffing on. You like it?

Anyway. Kneel, Devan Moylan! Kneel before God! You have angered Me! Medical redshirts and sixth years are abominations in my eyes! I demand sacrifice! Bring Me...

YOUR GROIN!

Fools! Trifle not with the Almighty! The collegian was meant to have four years with which to participate! Dod you not learn from the example I made of Jess Settles? I turned his spinal column into a pillar of salt! Four years and not a one more!

Kneel, Mark Dantonio! Kneel before God! You have angered Me! You have made an abomination of the Michigan-Michigan State rivalry! I created the Wolverines in My image, and the Spartans in the image of Roy, My Handicapable Brother-In-Law! I demand sacrifice! Bring Me...

YOUR BOWL ELIGIBILITY!

There shall be no postseason for you, lowly Spartans! Even should you complete the impossible task of splitting your remaining two games, you would only have accomplished six wins and six losses! There will be no at-large bids for those without winning records!

I am the All-Powerful Lord! It was I who pushed Florida State's field goals wide! Xavier Beitia is an abomination! It was a late scratch from Leviticus, but names that start with X are the greatest of offenses to Me! Post-punk indie darlings Xiu Xiu will never reach the level of commercial success that critics believe they so richly deserve! Change your name to Shu Shu or crumble under My fist!

So I have spoken! So it must be! Go forth, my flock! Spread this word I have given you! And do not start your child's name with an X! This is the word of the Lord!