Do you think we're joking, Outback Bowl? Hawkeye Nation doesn't joke. Ever. When Matt Roth said "Three words: Iowa Hawkeyes" on SportsCenter, we petitioned the President of Numbers to make that an accurate statement. Turns out there isn't even a Department of Numbers! I mean, what the hell, here I thought numbers were important because they're in math!
But I digress.
We've heard nothing but silence from the Outback Bowl and the Tampa Bay Convention and Visitors Bureau in the wake of yesterday's earth-shattering announcement. Frankly, we're not surprised. BHGP staff again tried to contact the local Outback Steakhouse for comment, and the representative threatened to "get [her] manager." Nice, Outback. Very classy. We then asked if they had Prince Albert in a can, upon which they hung up on us.
They can pretend that they don't hear us. They can pretend our sanctions won't cripple the economy of the Tampa-St. Petersburg metropolitan area. They can act as if they can resist our demands to put Iowa in the Outback Bowl. They'll have no choice when we amp this thing up to a MAN-COTT.
So, Hawkeye Nation, not only should you stay away from Tampa on January 1, but it's time to take the fight to Outback Steakhouse as well. Or more accurately, take it from them. That's right. It's time to expand the January 1 man-cott to the overpriced, faux-Australian restauranteurs. Who are stupid. So on New Year's Day, stay home. Don't eat their "blooming onions*." Don't eat steaks that have been needlessly sullied with bleu cheese. And definitely don't eat desserts that were named after Joe Tiller-level gastrointestinal hell (we're looking at you, Chocolate Thunder From Down Under).
You can end the onslaught, Outback Bowl. Do what's right. Rescind the invitation to Wisconsin and honor the Hawkeyes. Otherwise, we will not back down.
*They aren't even really in bloom. They're just fried. Fuckin' liars.