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Michigan's Next Coach is Obvious, by Fake Bill Martin

[promoted from diaries.--JHC.]

I am Fake Bill Martin, and my first choice to replace Lloyd is obvious.  It's an Iowa guy, but not that Iowa guy.

Let's see now.  What do I want in a coach?

  1.  Someone who beats the shit out of the teams he supposed to crush, every time, and plays tOSU tougher than any team in the country.  A guy who will take our talent and make us scary-tough.  
  1.  A teacher.  Not some bloviating coattails-hanger like Weis, but the real deal.  A guy who has made something out of nothing.
  1.  A guy who can say to an 18 year-old:  "You want to play in the NFL?  Let me tell you what it was like for me, coaching a Hall of Famer ..."
  1.  A guy who has been down, very far down, and innovated, and worked, and created a dominant force that ... beat the shit out of Lloyd a few times.  A guy whose name gives people a little frisson of unpleasant, shameful memory, when his people drove over us like they were the truck, and we were the little orange cones.
  1.  A guy Mary Sue can get behind.
  1.  A guy I don't have to pay $3mm out of the gate.
  1.  A guy who has been in the NFL so he will manage his staff like they are employees, not friends.

Who's this guy?

No, not Ferentz.  He just lost to Western Michigan, for chrissakes.  Who do they lose to next?  Oberlin?  The bloom is off that rose, though I suppose he'll still stand up in front of the lapdog Iowa press and issue those same old non-denial denials about our job and coyly say "that's not going to happen" or some shit, in order to get himself a new bubble over the indoor practice field.

But you're close.  The man I want worked for Ferentz, and candidly, Iowa has been on a downward slope since he left.  I am going to go after Joe Philbin.

Think about it.

Philbin has transformed Green Bay and Favre (who's playing like he's 28, not 38), in his first year as OC.  He'll be interviewed for an NFL head-coaching job, this year.  Maybe he'll get one.  He would be also a great hire for me at Michigan, because he is a proven developmental coach, with major Big Ten and NFL bona fides, a lineage working for a coach I respect (a little bit) (Ferentz) and at universities Coleman respects (Iowa, Harvard).  

Philbin couldn't get promoted at Iowa City.  Suckers.  Thanks, Kirk.  You got yourself a major O-wizard there, racking up 19 points a game this year when it takes 28 per to be competitive.

Did Joe Philbin think he could coach offense as well as his boss, KOK?  Who knows.  He worked for KOK previously at Allegheny, but then he was the OC at Harvard before moving to Iowa City.  In any event, he's answered the question this year, resoundingly.  He can coach an offense.  Ask Brett.  Brett either has found a new pharmacist, or Brett has a new O and coach who has his shit totally together.

Back in Iowa City, they have that nice man, Morgan, who was hired as the Iowa high school recruiting coordinator (there's an optimistic joining of terms), covering Philbin's former position.  They haven't had a dominant O-line since Philbin left.  They haven't developed a dominant lineman (i.e., the caliber of Gallery or Steinbach or Nelson) since Philbin left.  Basically, for five years they've lived off Philbin's memory.  Now they don't even have to convert walk-ons to O-linemen but their line was worse than ours this year, and ours sucked.  

They traded Philbin, in essence, for the head coach at IC West High; Philbin's career needs could not be satisfied in Iowa City.  But I can sure fix that in Ann Arbor.

I'm not sure this trade worked out for Iowa.  Sucks to be them.  Their line and their offense have never been the same.   2002 was the year Pete Carroll pointed to when he said Iowa once had an extraordinary O.  That was Philbin's last year.

All of my donor dudes in business are familiar with the middle managers who quietly carry entire organizations, and get the credit and comp due them only after they leave.  They're telling me to find that kind of guy.  

Who needs to crawl on his hands and knees to hire some megalomaniac like Miles?  Joe Philbin has done amazing things and everyone who bothers to examine the record will say I'm a fucking genius for hiring him.  And woe to any offensive lineman who doesn't buy in and start pounding his way downfield.  

Iowa was really stupid to let this guy go.  Always promote your best, never protect your friends.  How they think they're going to win in Iowa City without a Philbin-quality O-line is mysterious.

I am Fake Bill Martin, I can see the future, and it looks like Gallery, Nelson and Steinbach zone blocking right -- in the maize and blue.