Greetings from Phoenix, Iowans! I'm Insight Bowl CFO Stan Laybourne. As Insight Bowl CFO, I am charged with making this piece of shit prestigious bowl a financially viable enterprise. And that is why I am compelled to deliver this message to you, Iowa fans: For the love of God, don't lose today.
Finding someone who cares about this bowl is damn near impossible. It's a New Year's Eve bowl between the sixth-place teams in the Big Ten and Big XII. Have you looked at the Big XII lately? There aren't six teams worth a damn. Christ, we might have to take Nebraska, and those rednecks couldn't find Phoenix with a compass, a map, and Rand Fucking McNally sitting shotgun.
Our Big Ten options aren't much better. Purdue doesn't travel. Indiana is even worse. Michigan State would probably loot Tempe. But Iowa, oh Iowa. We love Iowa. There are 70 billion geezers down here, and 80% of them are from Iowa. They love the Hawkeyes, and they have money to burn. Throw in that never-ending line of Winnebagos from Iowa City, and cha-ching! (You can't see it, but I'm making a cash register motion with my arm).
So please, please, PLEASE win today, Iowa. This bowl might fold like a fajita if you don't.