Okay. So I missed a few predictions. So the team I picked for the Motor City Bowl is now probably going to be tied for second in the Big Ten. Whoops! Life's funny sometimes!
At this point? Fuck it. Anything can happen. Western Michigan over Iowa by six TDs, and the OSU-Michigan game is interrupted by a nuclear bomb at midfield during the third quarter.
By the way, I'm not sure if I'm emboldening any of our large contingencies of terrorist readers, but doesn't it seem like sporting events are really, really lucrative targets? Well, Kinnick is, anyway; Jack Trice, not so much...
Let's have a look at the standings before we get started.
That's a big, heapin' bowl of mediocre, folks. You can get some imitation vanilla boring sauce on the side, but it's pretty much superfluous.
Anyhoo, to see which teams are travelling to this winter's pre-determined terrorist targets, read on below:
(I'm just kidding, al-Qaida would definitely want to blow up the Super Bowl first...)
BCS Super Fun Tortilla Chips Are A Big Deal Folks Title Game
LSU (12-1) vs. Oregon (11-1)
We're big fans of intriguing matchups around the BHGP Headquarters, and none is as intriguing as Dennis Dixon against the LSU defense. Will that rope-a-dope fake statue of liberty shit fly against Glenn Dorsey and his merry gang of destroyers? Will the inevitably bizarre, quasi-futuristic uniforms Phil Knight dreams up scorch the retinas of Les Miles' charges beyond utility? Is there any chance John Stewart doesn't get mauled by Mike VI on his first trip to the end zone?
BCS Rose/Orange/Who Cares It's A Shitload Of Money Bowl
Ohio State (11-1) vs. Arizona State (11-1)
Do we really think ASU will beat USC? Not really, but it'll probably be fun to watch. Do we want to see Dennis Erickson square off against the Sweater Vest? Desperately. The odds that Erickson will be happily imbibing after halftime of the game, regardless of the score, are somewhere around 85%. Erickson's never the angry sort of drunk, either; we're not talking about seeing him pounding a bottle of Beam and telling everyone what to stick where, here. He'll be holding something bright and fruity, and likely wearing a lei. So he's in Pasadena and not Hilo? Tough titties. It's a luau!
Capital One Bowl Sponsored By Capital One What Is In Your Wallet Capital One Capital One Ignore Our Interest Rates Please
Michigan (8-4) vs. Florida (9-3)
Strictly from a win/loss perspective, Illinois will "belong" here, and they'll likely point to the Ohio State win, the lack of a two-game losing streak, and anything else to distract people from two overwhelmingly damning facts:
- Michigan beat them.
- Michigan brings a metric fuckton of fans everywhere.
Number two is even more powerful than the first; Michigan fans showed up by the hundreds just to criticize the rabbi at Art Schlichter's first son's bris. They may not boo like OSU fans or cause earthquakes like LSU, but goddamn it if they're not pointed in their fault-findings.
Outback Steakhouse Bowl, What Is In Your Wallet
Illinois (9-3) vs. Tennessee (9-3)
OPS: The Zooker probably likes bloomin' onions more than credit cards anyway.
JHC: I think it would be specious conjecture on our part to try to pretend to know what the Zooker's preferences are.
This is undeniably true. We can no more reliably speak to the Zooker's intentions than a gilded Reverend may be the mouthpiece of the Lord. Does God really hate the homosexuals? They did give us Elton John and manscaping.
Alamo Bowl, Which Is Ironic, Since These Games Are Forgettable As Hell
Wisconsin (9-3) vs. Oklahoma State (6-6)
This is pending an Oklahoma State victory over Baylor, which seems wildly presumptuous. If that doesn't happen (again, completely plausible), then the winner of the Nebraska-Colorado slapfight would be more than eager to back into this game with a 6-6 record instead. IT'S BIG TWELVE FOOTBALL! IT'S SIMILAR TO INTRAMURALS, BROTHER! Either way, do not watch this game under any circumstances.
Champs Sports Or More Accurately Sixth Place Finishers Sports Bowl
Penn State (9-3) vs. Virginia (9-3)
Just wanted to reiterate what I said earlier about not watching this game ever. I know it'll be a race to apathy when Stone Age Football meets Groh-mentum, but the novelty and spectacle of 3/4 of the stadium leaving in disgust at halftime won't overcome the soul-rending boredom inherent on each program's sidelines.
We Cannot Figure Out A More Boring Title Than Insight Bowl
Iowa (7-5) vs. Nebraska (7-5) (6-6)
Iowa is a near-mortal lock for the Insight Bowl. Do they deserve it over Purdue? From a football standpoint, shit no. From a heads in beds and seats in seats perspective, absolutely. We roll thick and we bring money. That's what it boils down to. Purdue, meanwhile, treats its fans so poorly, they have to sit in the concrete mausoleum that is Ross-Ade for all their home games. I wouldn't support them either. Either way, barring complete and utter disaster at Kinnick Stadium this Saturday, anticipate an agreement between the Insight Bowl and Gary Barta in place before the second note of "In Heaven There is No Beer."
Motor City Eight Mile Bowl
Purdue (8-4) vs. Central Michigan (9-4)
This is a stinky, stinky, ugly bowl game that frankly has no redeeming value. We're not trying to bait you, Boilers, and we know your team beat ours earlier. Doesn't matter. The Insight Bowl would trample a group of infants to reach Iowa before they'd cross the street for Purdue. Sorry.
If you fans disagree with us, you're automatically wrong wrong wrong, but feel free to engage us in written intercourse nonetheless.