Les and Dennis in happier times
Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.
-–King Henry IV, Act III, Scene I, Line 31
This has been a season like no other. I can think of 30 teams to rank between 10 and 20 but I still don't know who's the right fit for the top 5. Naturally, when I think of football polls, I think of Shakespeare. With things so wide open, everyone thinks they're entitled to the crown but none realise the cost of wearing it. To illuminate my point, I've cast Henry IV with the distinguished gentlemen of college football.
Without further adieu:
King Henry IV -- Jim Tressel, Ohio State
- You know what it's like to be the King. All those around you are clamoring for the crown, but you've worn it, and you don't take it lightly. When you take to your bed at night, you're racked with painful memories of the past and you weep yourself to sleep, if it comes at all. You know how this is going to end for you. It's not a matter of if you'll be slain, but rather when. Well, here you go. Enjoy the crown! I'm not alone in my gleeful anticipation of your grisly end.
Sir John Falstaff -- Les Miles, LSU
- I find you to be an unsavory character. Your name makes you royalty, but there's nothing regal about you. You're a slovenly drunkard and a bad influence. If I were King, I wouldn't want my people anywhere near you, or your home. What makes you dangerous is the fact that under all of... that, you're quite powerful. You don't just destroy men, but somehow through sheer grandiloquence and your bombastic nature you convince them to destroy themselves. All the while, you're grinning knowingly and having a grand time. You've seen what it takes to be King but you know the crown will never fit you.
Hotspur -- Bob Stoops, Oklahoma
- Your sense of entitlement is abhorrent. You don't seem to want to earn the crown, but have it handed to you. You think you deserve the top spot but you've shown through your actions that you aren't willing to work for it. You're always wailing against your injustices but your bleating falls on deaf ears. Despite your fiery nature, you're nothing more than a spoiled child. No one really likes you; they endure you. Everyone wants you gone... or murdered.
Prince Hal -- Dennis Erickson, Arizona State
- Your future is filled with promise but your past is filled with dreck. Your lineage is royal but you'd rather hang out with liars and thieves than Kings and Queens. You'd rather steal the crown even though it will be given to you. No one really believes in you. You're supposed to be a charming hero but you're really a waste. A waste of talent, promise, and time. Everyone knows you'll fail.
Archbishop of York -- Jeff Jagodzinski, Boston College
- You're the forgotten man here but should not be underestimated. Your words are light but your hands are heavy. Your faith and scarlet robes make your desire to overthrow the King unimpeachable. It also works well to unite a legion of men to support your desires. Working under the umbrella of the Lord makes their swords light and the bloodshed holy. You have no right to the crown itself but you will have a say in who wears it.