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I'm drunk, I'm landscaping, and all I can think about is picking winners. Call your accountant, we're going perfect this week.

[winners in bold.--ed]

Oklahoma @ Iowa State (+30)

This isn't so much a vote of confidence in OU so much as an indictment of the Cyclones. There aren't a lot of sure things in college football this year. If you find one, ride it til the wheels come off. Iowa State is a sure thing. Their performance against Texas last week was reminiscent of the Jim Criner years. Horrible, horrible, horrible, and Oklahoma is better and nastier than the Longhorns. OU will roll.

Auburn @ LSU (-10.5)

LSU has a great defense and a good running game, but Matt Flynn cannot throw the ball. He's like a Bayou version of Juice Williams. I don't know that Auburn's aerial attack is much better, on account of having Brandon Cox at the helm. What I do know is, Auburn has the best D-Line I've seen this year and after what they did to McFadden and Jones (held them to a combined 86 yards) I'm convinced they could stop the Tasmanian Devil. LSU might win, but they won't cover. Take Auburn.

Michigan @ Illinois (+2.5)

Michigan is not the same team they were when you saw them last. They've replaced guys on D and the offense is looking more Michigany than it did early this season. At press time, I'm not sure if Hart is playing (again, he spends a lot of time on the sidelines grimacing and riding bikes if you ask me, no Heisman winner should ride a bike during a game) but I'm quite familiar with a backup coming in for the Wolverines and running for 200 yards (see: Wheatley, Tyrone). I am sure that the ZookHook is coaching and based on his presence alone Michigan can cover the 2.5 points. Pick Michigan here.

Oregon @ Washington (+11.5)

This game will make you nervous. You'll see the score at the half and start cursing my name. Calm down, degenerate. What you need to realise is, Ty Willingham refuses to make adjustments during the half. Oregon is far too talented to be stopped with the same scheme for four (4) quarters. Oregon will drop 50 on the Huskies. Take the Ducks.

OK, I'm drunk with confidence (and bourbon) here, time for a lightning round of NFL picks:

Baltimore @ Buffalo (+3.5)

Doesn't matter if it's Losman or Edwards here, the Ravens D will outscore the Bills on their own. This is a ridiculous line and needs to be taken advantage of. Take the Ravens (no, I won't make a Poe joke, what am I, Hank Goldberg?).

San Francisco @ NY Giants (-10.5)

Trent Dilfer. Take the Giants.

New England @ Miami (+17.5)

Not enough points to scare me away. The Pats have covered 111 times in a row. New England will drop a cool fitty (50) on the Fins.

Atlanta @ New Orleans (-7.5)

Leftwich? Really? I mean, you know you have a shitty team when Joey Harrington is the lone bright spot. Petrino seems to have found a way to piss off even Warrick Dunn. Amazing. The Saints will score 30+ here. Go there.

Arizona @ Washington (-7.5)

I took Arizona last week to cover and was rewarded with seeing Kurt Warner have his elbow twisted in a grisly fashion in a scrum. Tim Rattay is going this week against a surprisingly steady Redskins D. Jason Campbell isn't flashy, but he moves the ball and gets touchdowns. Take the Skins, please.

St. Louis @ Seattle (-9.5)

Seattle is not a good team. They got shutout at Pittsburgh and pistol whipped by the Saints last week. St. Louis is bad in their own right, but these two (2) teams always play close games and I don't think the Seahawks are 10 points better than anyone right now. Take the Rams and the 9.5 points*.

Pittsburgh @ Denver (+3.5)

Mike Shanahan is overrated, overpaid, and underfed. Everyone loves Jay Cutler, but me. Now he's without Javon Walker as well. Pittsburgh is coming off a bye and facing the worst run defense in the NFL. This is not a good sign for the Broncos. Take Pittsburgh, with confidence.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville (+3.5)

The boys are back. The boys are back in town again. If you give Tom Moore and Peyton Manning 2 weeks to prepare for a game, you can be sure they will score points. Jacksonville has won ugly several times this year but I don't see them getting a grip on the Colts. Too much Addai, Wayne, and Clark for the Jags. Take the Colts.

Back to the landscaping! Peace.

* One of my rules of gambling is to never take a bad team and pray that they can cover. In fact, you should never take a team that you don't think has a chance to win outright. However, I'm next morning drunk and feeling bold, so take the Rams anyway.