Artist's rendition of the 2007 Heisman Trophy Acceptance Ceremony
New York, NY--Shocking news from the Downtown Athletic Club today, as the Heisman Selection Committee has tabbed former Oklahoma QB Josh Heupel to win the coveted trophy given annually to the most valuable college player, despite his departure from the NCAA after the 1999 season.
"Look, I'm just as pissed as you are," said committee director Simon Tafaloni. But look around. We're supposed to select a guy who gets gaudy statistics while he keeps his team near the top of the rankings for a long time. Well, name one team that doesn't lose as soon as they get up there. South Florida? You think I'm going to hand over the Trophy to some kid from South freaking Florida?"
"Then there's Ohio State. I will eat the business end of a 14-gauge before I even invite Todd Boeckman to New York."
"Let's face it, kid," Tafaloni continued. "There's nobody worth giving the trophy to this year. So we started looking back a bit and seeing if there was someone from a few years ago who never won a trophy but kind of deserved one. And as soon as we got going into the list, one name jumped out at us as totally out of place."
That name, of course, was Florida State's Chris Wienke, 1999 Heisman winner.
"Chris Wienke is the worst Heisman winner ever. I'm not even talking only on-field performance, either. I'm including O.J. Simpson, the murderer and Davey O'Brien, the Communist."
When asked further about O'Brien, Tafaloni simply said, "What? We hear things."
Rectifying such a large mistake, of course, is never easy.
"We can't un-award a trophy," Tafaloni said. "Too expensive, and it's a bit of a dick move. Not as dick as taking your Heisman and turning into a point guard or the worst QB in NFL history or Andre Ware, but we got standards."
Tafaloni then sighed and placed his feet on his desk.
"All I'm saying is this. Mike Hart has some numbers. But if Michigan doesn't get its shit together and take out OSU this year, then fuck it. We may as well just give it to Lucas," he said.
"I hate that fucking movie."