It wouldn't be an Illinois preview without this picture.
There's really no telling why Drew Tate spoke with reporters from both the QC Times and Des Moines Register about the state of Iowa football this week, but they were fascinating reads--not because of anything he had to say about Iowa football, of course, but what his quotations said about himself.
"It’s funny, because people said, ‘Oh, Drew’s emotion is killing the team,’ " Tate said. "They weren’t saying that in 2004 when I was playing the exact same, probably even worse. Then, they were like, ‘Oh, that’s great. We need that.’ When you’re losing, they’ll pick everything out.
Pretty sure it wasn't his level of play that was killing the team. No, it probably had more to do with...
"I’m a fiery guy. I’m in everyone’s ear all the time," Tate said. "People on the message boards would get mad at me for ripping guys on the field. And yeah, if you screwed up, I was the first one in your face, but if you did something good, I was the first one over there, too. A lot of people didn’t recognize that. Even if a guy did something good away from the play, I’d be over there. I was the first one there."
Apparently Drew never considered Option C, which is the always popular "Shut the fuck up because they hate you."
Here at BHGP, we have a special place in our hearts for the Punky QB of 2004-2006 fame. It's right next to the sweater vest, James Hardy, and Ronnie Harmon's hands on January 1, 1986. Did I say hearts? I meant bile ducts.
But regardless, Drew Tate is a member of the Hawkeye family, so when we found out he was making his rounds with the press, there was only one clear choice: let the man write today's preview! We simply called him on his special direct line* and let the magic happen.
WHEN IOWA HAS THE BALL
Iowa OL vs. Illinois DL
Sup fools! Big Bad D.T. here! When I was QB we had the raddest OL of all time... uh... NOT!!!!!! LOL! These guys look like a bunch of sprinkle filled cupcakes and I hope they fuckin' choke again. But I saw those Illannoyed (L O fuckin L on that one!) guys on defense a few times, and they look and play like what happened when during my freshman year Matt Roth took a dump inside a Trojan Magnum and threw it at me. Fuckin NASTY! So I don't know whats gonna happen here, but I think that Jacob P. Christening (he hates that name!!) is probly goin down a few times.
Iowa WR/TE vs. Illinois DB
My fave dude on the receiving team HAS to be James Cleveland, or as I called him... JAMES CLEVELAND STEAMER!! He better steamer his way down the field for like a hunderd yards or else Iowa is prolly gonna have some troubles on this one, the D.T. thinks. Vontae Davis is a chump, but he was really fuckin good against us.. uh... too bad I was UNDEFEATED AGAINST HIM!!!!
You know who was a sweet fuckin receiver. Kahlil Hill. Fuck yeah. You know we're livin together now? Swear to God yo. It's fuckin sweet sharing a duplex in Saskatoon with The Thrill. I could do without getting dickwhipped every time I walk by his room, but whatevs. Soon as the Roughriders let me suit up, shit is going DOWN!!
Iowa RB vs. Illinois LB
Oh, our running backs? AKA the shitfags? Look, I don't see what the big deal is about bitching out a teammate on the sideline if he doesn't conform to an arbitrary and mercurial standard of success that the coaching staff has no control over. So if I get the notion that a run didn't work to my standards (15 ypc, fuckin MINIMUM), time to break out the big guns. Ain't that right, SHITFAGS? Anyhoo, we couldn't run for shit on them last year, don't think for a second that I didn't notice that shit, so we probably won't do too hot this year either, specially cause Big Cinco is up north. Oh, and Illinois still has this dude.
Iowa QB vs. Illinois D
Hey JC, don't think I haven't forgotten last season yet. I know you were the one that told the students to put tape on their #5 jerseys so they said 6 instead. You made an enemy for life in Big Bad D.T.!!! Wake me up when you win the 2005 Capital One Bowl!!!! LOL LATER LAMER! If you don't rack up 50 on these chump ass chumps, I'm gonna laugh my fuckin ass off... but knowing coach, he's gonna be psyched if you put a 17 spot on the scoreboard.
WHEN ILLINOIS HAS THE BALL
Illinois OL vs. Iowa DL
I never got what the big deal was about defensive linemen. Oh, wow, I'm almost as fat as offensive linemen, give me a number in the 90's so I can chase after a guy who's like 5 fuckin yards away. You totally know that if those guys were any good at football they'd totally want to be a QB like Mr. Cinco. Oh, you know what's bullshit? They gave me fuckin #11 up here. I was gonna be Mr. Once, but then Kahlil was all, "yeah, once a good quarterback" and laughed and slapped me in my face with his dick. That's such bullshit, cause it's pronounce "ohn-say," not "once" like the English version, but he didn't listen to me, he just kept laughing and shit.
Oh uh, Iowa's defensive line is good.
Illinois WR/TE vs. Iowa DB
What the fuck do you mean Adam Shada's doing good this year? I lit that candy-ass's ass up like it was candy over and over last year. I refuse to believe that removing a source of negative influence on a struggling collegiate player's career can have any sort of benefit! I hope that douche-fuck gets lit up against Arrelious Benn. They call him "Rejus," but he won't say why. I tried giving myself a sweet nickname and being all mysterious about it, but nobody would call me Thundermaster. Fuckin lame.
Illinois RB vs. Iowa LB
Jake Christensen was all, "durrr we tried to get Mendenhall to come here." Thanks for nothing you lousy piece of my dick. Now this guy's running for like a million yards for Illinois, our top tackler is out for the third week in a row with like the biggest concussion ever, and you expect us to feel better because you fucking tried? This is the dumbest shit I've ever heard of. I'm going to go crank out some Hail Marys until my arm fucking falls off, I'm so pissed off right now.
Illinois QB vs. Iowa D
Juice Williams? Jesus, he sucks.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Look, I can't be any more clear about this. If I ever. EVER. saw Schlicher fucking around like these two kickers, only making half the attempts and shanking shit all over the place like this was fucking Oz or something, I would pull down their pants and make Kahlil Hill rape them right there on the field. I have a bit of performance anxiety, but really that's only natural because as soon as the quarterback pulls down his pants, you know everyone's going to be staring at his dick, and so I figure why even bother with that, so I shower in my boxers. Nothing fucking wrong with that.
COACHING
"I don't want Iowa to do bad. I want to coach somebody someday. I'd love to coach for (Kirk Ferentz) and the coaches love coaching for him."
Hahahahaha PSYCHHHHH put me in a headset and I guarantee you we win out. Say hello to Drew Tate University, the Fightin' Awesomes. As it is right now I bet you we fuckin lose to fuckin Illinois. And I am gonna yell like fuckin crazy about it. Turn off your cell phones, shitfags, the New Mouth of the South is gonna let you have it double-barrel style.
Five-Shooter, OUT!
*1-800-ALL-LIES, of course.