I talked to a good friend this week and was shocked to hear that many people don't know the terminology and tricks of gambling. We may have an entire generation of sports fans that don't gamble. I think that's a shame. Gambling is fun, and highly addictive, so I'm writing today's piece to introduce some of the newer people out there to the world of gambling. You don't have to be a degenerate, but I think it’s funny when you are. So, today, you'll not only be making some extra lettuce by reading this post, but you'll pick up some cool lingo and perhaps a crippling addiction. Also, in the interest of teaching, I'm picking more than 3 games and picking some NFL games as well. It's for science!
Tennessee @ Mississippi St (+7)
Tennessee is the most improved team in college football at this point in the season. Ainge is healthy, the D is shoring up, and Foster has finally started playing like the stud that he is. Tennessee’s secondary is still suspect, but Miss St has only thrown 3 TD passes all year. Lay a price (take the favorite) here and take Tennessee in a lock (can’t miss bet).
Wisconsin @ Penn St (-7)
This looks like a pick ‘em (neither team is favored) game to me but the line is 7. Both teams rolled Iowa, but the whole conference is taking a turn on the Hawkeyes this year, so there’s not much to be learned by beating a bad, inconsistent, football team. Anthony Morelli looked like the second coming of Kerry Collins (that’s supposed to sound like a compliment, he was awesome in college, really!) against Iowa but he’ll be the boy who fell to earth this week, violently, when the Badgers beat him like a rental car. Tight game, but the Lions aren’t 7.5 points better than Wisconsin, so take Wisky and the TD.
South Carolina @ North Carolina (+7)
I know, I know, North Carolina got a nice win last week against Da U. You know who else knows this? The OBC. You think he isn’t going to have a little something special for Butch? But here’s the best part, I’m taking the Cocks because of their defense. They have the #1 ranked pass defense in the country and when you have that kind of talent on the defensive side of the ball on a Spurrier team, you better call your accountant (bookmaker) and put a dime (a grand) on the Cocks. Do it.
Oregon St @ California(-14)
I’ve been riding Cal all year and I will continue to do so. They’ve won 10 in a row at home and they make it 11 against Oregon State. Don’t worry about being a Chalkeater (a person who only plays the favorites), take Cal. It’s too good not to.
Texas @ Iowa State (+16.5)
Make no mistake, Texas wins outright, but this is a game where you always have to worry about a back door cover (when a team that’s out of the game scores meaningless points at the end to cover the spread). Oddly, Vegas did you a favor and only gave Iowa State 16.5 points. Take the Longhorns -- no Sweed, no problem.
Texas A&M @ Texas Tech (-9.5)
If there is a more fucked up program than A&M right now, I don’t know who it is. Top to bottom, they're a mess and they’re sailing into a shitstorm this week with Texas Tech. Captain Leach hates Coach Fran and that 9.5 points will be covered by the 2nd quarter. Texas Tech in a route. Also, this is a good opportunity to make an exotic (anything other than a straight bet against the spread) bet. The over/under is 69 points. Take the over.
You can't realistically immerse yourself in this seedy world in just one day, so I've included some NFL games as well, in order for you to make a weekend out of your downward spiral.
Houston @ Jacksonville (-6.5)
Houston's been a nice story this year, but football isn’t a nice game. Andre Johnson is still out and their starting running back is Ron Dayne. He wears a fucking girdle. He’s a morbidly obese running back, which is hilarious (I’m lookin at you, Lamont Jordan), but also a good reason why he averages 1 YPC. Couple that with a Jacksonville D which is only giving up 10 points a game and you've got an ugly day ahead for Matt Schaub. If he finishes the game in less than 3 pieces, consider it a moral victory, Texan fan. The hook (a half point in spreads, the line here is 6.5 rather than 6) is always scary when it’s between 6 and 7, but I’m confident that Del Rio can’t even fuck this up. Jax to cover.
Carolina @ Arizona (-4.5)
Delhomme's done, probably forever. Bad for you, Panthers, but good for me because that means I don’t have to hear his "Berman nickname" ever again. I know everyone hates Berman but I’m confident I hate him more than you. You know what else I hate? Diet tonic. If you can’t afford the calories in the tonic, then don’t have a dozen drinks every night, tubby. Or, you could keep your liquor cabinet 5 miles from your home so you’d burn the calories necessary to enjoy regular tonic on your jaunt to and fro. Seriously, enough with that shit. The next person to offer me a gin & diet tonic is getting stabbed.
Take Arizona to cover.[No gambling lesson included here, apparently, but I submit to you the lesson that Jebus is a poor party guest.--ed.]
Philadelphia @ Jets (+3.5)
NYG @ Atlanta (-3.5)
And finally, time for a parlay, which is my favorite bet. A parlay is when you link together at least 2 separate bets on the same ticket. Both teams must win for the bet to pay. [Never use a parlay in college. Just don’t.--ed.] A typical NFL two team parlay will usually pay about 13:5. If you don’t know what that means, you picked a bad year to miss school. This is what you need to know -- you make more money if you bet them together. These two games are a perfect two team parlay. You have the Eagles coming off a bye week going in to play a Jets team that doesn’t do anything well. The Eagles will win this by at least 2 TD’s, since Andy Reid likes to leave his starters in and throw the ball 50 times a game, regardless of the score. Bad if you’re his QB but good if you’re a degenerate gambler. And speaking of QB’s getting battered, the Giants are going to Atlanta. I’m not going to talk about them. I’m going to talk about the Falcons. In NFL history, no coach has ever lost his team faster than Bobby Petrino. Tom Coughlin takes 18 games to do it. Even Art Shell took 8 games, and he had Randy Moss and Aaron Brooks to deal with. Petrino did it in 3. This team is 1-4 and it's only going to get worse. Last week, Petrino pulled Joey Harrington for "poor play" (which is like getting mad at a drunk for being drunk) and inserted Byron Leftwich, who's been there 2 weeks (and who sucks, badly). Leftwich responded by sucking worse than Harrington, throwing a pick, missing an open WR for the winning TD, limping around (as always), and getting sacked on 4th & Goal with a minute left (THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO IN ALL OF FOOTBALL, THIS MAKES ME ANGRIER THAN TEAMS THAT PUNT ON 4TH & 1 WHEN TRAILING IN THE FINAL 3 MINUTES OF A GAME). It takes 5 games to figure out who the shittiest team is. This year, it's the Falcons. So take both the Giants and the Eagles to complete your weekend of sin.