I'm sick of writing these things, so I decided to hand over the reins this week. There are no Illinois blogs involved in the roundtable (likely because there are no literate Illini fans - Ed.), so I have handed BHGP to an enemy supporter...
Oh, shit.
Konichiwa, bitchez. ZookHook in da crib, representin' da UIUC up in this mothafucka. Check ya neck, broseph.
1. We’re halfway through the season. Practically the entire national media has declared that the Big Ten is having a down year. Is this cyclical, or is the conference actually becoming less and less relevant? What is your team doing to enhance or destroy the conference’s reputation?
The Big Ten is partying like a mothafucking ROCK STAR 'cause the Zookster has the ILLINI ROLLIN. We got bitchez in the living room gettin it on and they ain't leavin' til I smell each and every hair on their heads. What is my team doing? THE JUICE IS LOOSE, MOTHAFUCKAS! MENDENHALL IS RUNNIN DA ROCK! DA ZOOK IS OFF DA HOOK! I'm texting. I'm water skiing. I'm posing for pictures. I'm taking X and going to raves. NAME REDACTED? MORE LIKE LOSS REDACTED!
Zooker loves him some house music
2. Illinois is winning football games. Football games! Illinois! How much longer will we have to put up with this crap?
Not much longer, if I have my way. I was in Gainesville, and everyone was crazy, and everyone hated me. I came to Champaign because nobody here gives a shit about football. You've seen this town. You've seen these fans. By June, they're already counting the days to basketball season. Now we're winning, and the Chicago newspapers are paying attention, and Leitch is posting pictures of me on my kickass waterskis. I never wanted this. I wanted to quietly win 4 games a season and keep looking like Gil Thorp.
If we start winning, people will think we should win all the time. But we play in a decrepit shithole stadium, we're surrounded on all sides by bigger programs with better facilities and coaches who don't spend all their time in Chinatown massage parlors who want our recruits, and the NCAA took away my text messaging. Plus, don't tell anyone, but I've never actually watched an entire football game. I can't keep this up. This insanity must be stopped.
3. I’m a man! I’m 32! For you, fair Big Ten Blogger, where does the line get drawn when, as Sunday Morning QB eloquently states, "second-guessing the split-second decisions of college kids under extreme physical duress"? Hypothetically speaking, would you settle for saying that your underwhelming quarterback "simply isn’t performing well and needs to be replaced", or would you call him "a functional retard that is one drool cup shy of riding the short bus to practice"?
Hey, at Illinois, the functional retard that is one drool cup shy of riding the short bus to practice is on the sideline. GIMMIE A JAGER BOMB UP IN THIS MOTHAFUCKA!
4. Finally, a quick two-part question. Which player or players on your team have you been pleasantly surprised with this season, and what is the most important game remaining on your schedule?
Sure, Williams/Mendenhall/Benn are great. But, for obvious reasons, it's J Leman...
Of course it is.