We have some bad news to pass along, readers. Something near and dear to us is gone, never ever to return.
That something is Iowa's formerly open policy on Facebook, Myspace, and Friendster (the only Iowa athlete on Friendster? Dan "gerous" Bohall. The Danimal.). The university is cracking down on inappropriate content, and that makes us sad.
Very sad.
"This is an initial policy intended to get to the egregious," said Bill Hines, a law professor who helped craft the policy. "This policy represents a good first step."
An athletics administrator — not coaches — will monitor the public-only sites on a random basis. All student-athletes must sign the policy before competing. Policy violation could mean penalties through the department's code-of-conduct policy.
Well, what sort of things would constitute a violation? We certainly hope the rules will still allow the young men to act as college students usually--aw shit:
Things the athletics department will target include partial or total nudity, sexual misconduct, underage alcohol consumption, use of illegal drugs, hazing and obscene gestures. Fred Mims, Iowa's associate athletics director for student services and compliance, acknowledges some of the violations are ambiguous. He said he will investigate them on a "case-by-case" basis.
In other words, when Trey Stross uses his own head as a bong [is that even anatomically possible?--ed.] [your mom is.--OPS] [sigh.--ed], we won't be able to see pictures of it on facebook. Terrible shame. Fortunately, "poor fashion choices" is not on the banned list, so The J.R. Angle Experience is in no danger.
J.R. wears his sunglasses at night.
"What we're concerned about is creating inappropriate material on a site that the public can access and associate with the athletic program," Hines said.
Though this is technically good for the University, it is horrible, awful, no good for the impish evil that dwells in our Black Hearts. They do what they have to do. Fine. We will hold a funeral forthwith, and Slash will rip through a guitar solo outside. These things happen.
This is for you, CBI.
Now go. Go. We don't want you to see us cry. Sniffle.
Rumors had been flying all week that Tony Freeman--you know, that guy that led Iowa in scoring in eight of his twenty games played--was on his way out. The UI made it official tonight, announcing that Freeman will be released from his scholarship. He'll be completing his collegiate career elsewhere, the story says, and we're anxiously awaiting word on where that'll be. High-major school? Possible, but it's doubtful he'd start; why transfer out of a sure starting role for your senior season just to sit out for a year, then play 10 minutes a game at Marquette or some shit? Mid-major, most likely, but Freeman cannot actually think that playing at IUPUI will be better than at Iowa. C'mon.
The transfer rumors had begun earlier this week, after an assistant told the Linn County I-Club that the captains for the 2008-2009 season were Cyrus Tate and Jarryd Cole. Two guys who play the same position, and one guy who is much younger than Freeman. Freeman gave some tepid answers when pressed for comment, then said he "should be" at Iowa next year, which is code for "peace bitches." Nice work by Randy Peterson, marking the first time since the Big Peach era that Register sportswriting has been noteworthy. In a positive sense, anyway.
We'll sort of miss Freeman. Well, Jebus won't. And I probably won't. And HS probably won't. So let me amend my previous statement: Thank you for spending all of last season knocking down three-pointers when Iowa was hopelessly behind, Freeman. Your ability to create massive amounts of turnovers from thin air (The stats say 71, creating a "perfect 1:1" A/T ratio, but we could swear he coughed it up roughly 14 times per game) was at once astonishing and maddening. Also, we're pretty sure you were the reason Todd Lickliter did this all the time:
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, or failing that, a failsafe place to hide Tony Freeman's body.
The wild card is incoming recruit Anthony Tucker, who will probably be pressed into duty at the point. You can judge for yourself if you think he's capable of doing so by watching this highlight reel from Rivals, but we're not terribly optimistic. His jumper is outstanding, but you can't seriously watch that and tell us he's capable of consistently facing a press at the BXI level. No way.
But we digress. Tony Freeman, going the way of the dirigible and Dan Bohall. Godspeed, you offense-wrecking lunatic. We'll always have our below-average photoshops of you.
You know that awesome Steven Seagal movie, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory?
HELL YES.
The one about where there's a train in the mountains and you couldn't talk on the radio with anyone for a while because of the terrain blocking the radio waves and so they call that area the Dark Territory or something? You know the one I'm talking about? The one where there's terrorists (white guys, mind you, this is before 9/11 changed everything) who are going to blow up a nuke in Denver or something? And then Seagal's character is on the train with his hot daughter and he kicks the hell out of everybody and he does that weird double cross-chop thing? I don't want to spoil the ending, but he wins. Anyway, that's sort of where I am these days. Between a new job where if you use the internet, you DIE and the usual waiting game from Qwest when you move, the only way I can use Googles and internets is A: on one of these bad boys, which is every bit as shootmeinthefacefuckingkillme as you would imagine, or B: here at the library. I think the IT department is wondering why I haven't logged onto myspace or hotmail yet; EVERYONE is on one of the two sites here.
NOW DIE
Anyhoo, pardon the silence around BHGP* until the new headquarters is up and running. It will feature absolutely nothing new, so don't you worry your pretty little head about anything positive coming out of this period of radio silence. In the meantime, just to tide you fuckers over, a story that has absolutely nothing to do with Iowa sports after the break.
*Yes, there are technically two other bloggers here; Hawkeye State will probably continue to post roughly twice a week, and as near as we can tell Jebus is sailing through Africa and looking for Col. Kurtz. Best of luck to him on that front.
Remember back in November when we posted a conversation with the QC Times' Eric Page? No? Us neither! We do meth; what's your excuse?
Anyhoo, we decided to cap the basketball season by talking with the Great Gazoo's own Mike Hlas. You may be thinking, "BHGP, that basketball ship sailed like a month ago. What the hell?" Well, Mr. Hlas covers more than Hawkeye sports. So he was here. Then here. Then we were gone. Then we were sick. Then--well, shit, you don't actually care, so onto the good stuff.
Oh, and many many thanks to Mr. Hlas, whose work can be found on a regular basis in the Cedar Rapids Gazette and at the exquisitely named Hlog. He is an icon of sports journalism in the state of Iowa, and tonight, he is at BHGP. Enjoy.
If you missed the game, go here: PlayOn Sports, click on the Iowa Spring Game button (don't worry, it's all free), and watch the proceedings. As near as I can tell, it's the audio feed from the radio on top of the visuals from the big screen at the stadium (hence the plugs for, like, Iowa baseball). A couple quick observations--McNutt needs a lot of work, Stanzi needs a lot less, and Christensen's grasp on the starting spot is, uh, tenuous.
Also, the linebackers look great, the offensive line doesn't, and Paki O'Meara is, shockingly, not the answer at tailback.
If you went to the game, by all means, leave some thoughts in the comments, and we'll be going position-by-position over the next couple of days. In the mean time, time to return to the DL as I fight off a nasty head cold the only way I know how-- Tylenol Orange and that Purple Drank, lawya.
It's no secret that Iowa's backfield is a concern for 2008. Only one scholarship tailback is on campus right now--juco transfer and confirmed Mightymouse Nate Guillory--so it stands to reason that he should be, at least until the other incoming tailbacks show up, the prohibitive starter. Right?
IOWA CITY — Let’s hope you weren’t holding out hope for some big news from Kirk Ferentz’s Wednesday news conference that would make you feel better about Iowa’s running back situation.
It looks as if the starter for now might be Paki O’Meara.
I'm Paki O'Meara!
Our horror cup overfloweth. The good news is that O'Meara is the early leader for the J Leman Memorial Best Mugshot On A Starting Big 10 Player award, heretofore only given to J Leman, because J Leman.
Don't worry, America loves J Leman right back.
I digress. Luckily, the QC Times dispatched notable sourpuss Dan Doxsie to opine on the recent development, because when you've got to deliver horrible, bad, awful news, you may as well do it with a wry grin. Takes attention away from the tears, you know.
The sophomore walk-on from Cedar Rapids Washington, who never has carried the ball in a college game, received this ringing endorsement from Ferentz: “If we have to go with him in the fall, we will.’’
A few seconds later he piled on even more praise: “Obviously, we’re hoping we’ll be able to supplement him with other players in the fall.’’
The entire article is solid stuff, if a bit hater-y. We never like the pessimists, but we might as well be honest--if Iowa goes down in a Hindenburg-like mess of flames in 2008, we hope Dan Doxsie is there in the blazing canopy wth us, pointing out that it's not the heat, it's the humanity.
LET'S DO THIS! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! THIS IS THE BEST DAY YOU'LL EVER LIVE AND I AM RIGHT BEHIND YOU! FUCK YOU AND FUCKING HUSTLE FOR FUCKING ONCE! THIS IS IT!
SHERRY! Sherry, I need you to work your fucking ass off today, okay?! OKAY?! DID YOU ITEMIZE THE INTEREST?! DID YOU?!?! ON THE WAMU ACCOUNT, GODDAMMIT, GET ON IT RIGHT NOW AND GET IT PERFECT BECAUSE THIS IS NO MOTHERFUCKING JOKE! I FUCKING LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU! THIS FUCKING MATTERS RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, LEAVE IT ALL OUT HERE!
WHO THE FUCK HAS THE BALLS TO BE A FUCKING GUNNER?!
Setgo!
Walt. WALT. Are--are you walking over to my cubicle?! HUSTLE! HUSTLE! GO! LOOK AT THIS FUCKING FAX! READ IT! TELL ME WHAT IT SAYS!
YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT THE FIRST LINE IS HARD TO READ!!!! USE THE D17 FORM TO REQUEST A REFAX, EXCEL FILLS IN 90% OF IT FOR YOU, FUCKING SEND IT BY 9 OR SIT YOUR ASS ON THE FUCKING CURB!!!!!
WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK!
Nice move, nice move, NICE BREAK! FUCKING GO HARD! RIGHT TO THE BATHROOM!!! FAT GUY OR LESBIAN, WHICH FUCKING ONE ARE YOU?! YOUR TITS ARE IN YOUR ARMPITS AND YOUR HAIR'S SHORT!!! TWO BREAKS A DAY, TOPS! FUCKING MEAN IT WHEN YOU GO! FUCK ME, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FAT GUY, YOU'RE IN THE FUCKING WOMEN'S ROOM! SHAVE FOR FUCKING ONCE! THIS IS WORK! DO IT! GO!
DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! THIS ISN'T DANCING WITH THE STARS! WE'RE IN THE FUCKING ELEVATOR! PERSONAL FUCKING BUBBLES! THIS IS U-S-FUCKING-B! OR I-N-FUCKING-G! WHATEVER! WE'RE A FUCKING ACRONYM!
I'm not seeing a lot right now. I'm going to find a way to find our next district manager.
JAN, WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NAME IS THAT FOR A MAN, THAT'S SHORT FOR JANICE!!! OH, A SOFT J, LIKE JAN STENERUD! WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! ARE YOU NORWEGIAN?? OH, YOU'RE FROM FINLAND???? SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE FINNISH! FINNISH! FINNISH! FINNISH!!!!!!!
That skirt is way too tight for you. Way too tight. You're a size 8, Nikki, accept it.
Sue--are you using a pencil?! Are you KIDDING ME?! I FUCKING LOVE YOU ALL! PUT THE FUCKING PENCIL DOWN AND USE A GROWNUP PEN OR SIT THE FUCK OUT AND GO JOIN ACCOUNT-TEMPS OR SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Let's go LET'S GO! LET'S OPEN OUTLOOK! mouse. FUCKING DOUBLE CLICK! Boom. Mouse, mouse, mouse, mouse. CLICK!
WHO FUCKING DIDN'T FILL THE COFFEE?! STICK AND MOVE! LET'S GO! FUCKING DO THIS! TIGHT ENDS OVER HERE! QUIT FUCKING UP!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN DECAF?!?! YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT?!!!?! I SNORTED THE FUCKING COFFEEMATE AND I WILL KICK YOU IN THE STERNUM!!!
Come on for once why don't you fucking MOVE! 50 PAGE PER MINUTE PRINTER MY ASS! I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO FUCKING PRINT FOR FUCKING ONCE, I FUCKING LOVE ALL YOU PRINTERS!
FUCKING BRING IT THE FUCK IN! TODAY WAS A FUCKING AWESOME DAY!!!!!
The headline may be misleading, as none of us at BHGP are in fact involved in the movie industry at this point, but ideas? We got 'em. Here's one, for example...
[hey big guy, does this have anything to do with Iowa sports? or sports at all?--ed.] [uh, no.--OPS] [knock yourself out.--ed.]
It's a kids' movie, think Disney or something, rated no worse than PG. It's about a stay-at-home author who's down on his luck, and his wife and kids are starting to get tired of his inability to provide for them (dad=fat &/or bald?? Maybe!!!). Obviously he can't be stumbling around drunk, even though that's how it usually works, but there can be some subtle hints as long as they're way over the kids' heads.
Anyhoo, through some sort of wacky amalgam of magic spells, enchanted electronics, and an imbecile's interpretation of science ("oh no, we reversed the polarity on the genome atomizer! stay away!"), dad gets turned into a beagle. Wacky, right? Well, the family doesn't even know what's wrong yet, because he's supposed to be out of town meeting with his agent (omniscient viewpoint alert--he was going to get fired or released or whatever agents use to tell you to go fuck yourself), so the first 24 hours of his transformation, he spends kind of dog-stalking his family and getting all sad because they're having a good time. Have you ever seen a beagle cry? Have you?? It's goddamn heartbreaking. Huge character evolution, right there.
Eventually this guy realizes that these kids that he had spent the last several years largely ignoring are the key to turning him back into his human self. Moreover, he's got a good idea what his breakout book's going to be (Money line: "Here I am, a dog. Someone oughta make a movie out of this!" L. O. L.). After a couple crude messages to his kids convince them he's actually their dad (impossibly smart-mouthed, flop-topped younger son: "No wayyyyyy."), they devise a system of communication where the dad raises his paw once for yes, two for no. The kids try to hide their dad in their room (what a madcap situation that would be--who wants their dad to rummage through their room every day?!), but things appear to hit a bad stopping point when mom starts sneezing. It turns out their mom is allergic to her own husband in his greatest time of need! Uh oh!
So while the kids pretend to talk on the phone with their father (gotta keep mom off the scent--no pun intended!!!), he's using the internet to figure out how to undo the spells. Have you ever seen a beagle use a computer? With a mouse? And CRYING?! Fucking balls-stomping adorable!
I haven't been able to tie it all up neatly with an ending yet, and it could be that they can't turn him back from a dog and they instead fashion a tiny little dog-friendly keyboard with huge keys for his paws or something and he becomes the world's second-best selling canine author of al time (damn you, Carrie Bradshaw!), or maybe they turn him back and he gets to be the best human dad in the world again. Obviously I would prefer the latter, because otherwise there's no way the censors are going to allow a love scene (unrated director's cut? hmmmmmm). Either way, the movie is called "Bark Twain," and it is a guaranteed $85 million in the box office. Hella DVD sales. Make it happen.
What? You want another idea? [god no.--ed.] Well I've got another, and it's another kids' movie! [GOD NO.--ed.] I don't really have the plot or title or anything, but really, it's just a flimsy excuse for me to romanticize as much dangerous behavior as I possibly can in a PG movie. Here's a quick list of everything I want our li'l protagonists (working title: The Li'l Protagonists) to accomplish in the 94 minutes of running time.
Rummaging through the cupboard under the sink to find mom and dad's stash of Blorox-brand soda pop
Leaving their baby sibling with a homeless man
Driving
Threatening a cop with a gun
Accepting rides from strangers in exchange for candy
Driving recklessly
Using power tools--make sure it's visible but not obvious that they're not wearing gloves, goggles, etc.
Driving drunk
Stealing credit cards
Driving recklessly in a cop car
LOTS of mouthing off to parents and teachers
Hiding in an old refrigerator
Recklessly handling firearms
Demonstrating how to easily open a child-safety bottle of medicine
Driving a cop car on a crowded freeway while the cop screams in terror from the backseat and loud, awesome music playing, plus it's raining like crazy
Skipping church
I'll bet I could easily fit all of those into a PG movie. Easily. God I hate kids.
Forgive me if I talk through a bit of cognitive dissonance and make an article about it [really? 8 months of that crap and now you get around to apologies?--ed.], but something from the UI propaganda official website caught ol' Oopsie's eye.
IOWA CITY, Iowa -- Last season the University of Iowa had 31 first-year student-athletes see game action. The most recent spring depth chart lists the names of 28 redshirt freshmen and sophomores on the two-deep roster.
[snip]
"The biggest gains we saw this year -- you know we had 31 freshmen play for us (in 2007)," Doyle said. "Those are young guys. At this stage in their career they should be gaining strength at a very fast rate and they are. It's exciting to be around a group like that because that's 30 percent of our team. That's one out of three guys with three years of eligibility left."
31? Really? Because according to the UI's own records, that number's a bit higher. Not that I'm complaining about the high amount of freshmen they used last season, mind you, but how can there be such wildly divergent information coming from spring practice and the UI's own sports information department.
One might think that of the 38 that saw time last season, only 31 are left, and that's certainly possible. But at latest count, I could only find five guys on the list who aren't with the program anymore: Nelson, Satterfield, Everson, Pugh, and Smith. Sure, they can say "we've got 31 guys who played in their first year last year." But they're not saying that. It's "31 guys played as freshmen last year," and if they're only be counting scholarship players, um, why? Isn't the number more impressive the larger it gets? And doesn't Iowa use walk-ons pretty liberally, particularly at the White Safety position? I don't get the 31 number.
But let's set that aside. The news that Iowa's got 28 redshirt freshmen or sophomores in the two-deeps indicates that there is quite a bit of improvement forthcoming in 2008. The difference between two months in a top-notch collegiate S&C program and 14 months is--well, I would have said immeasurable, but considering such measurements are Chris Doyle's job, that's a poor choice of words. It's certainly substantial. It's the difference between Iowa in 1999 and 2000, and Iowa in 2001 and 2002.
The good news is that Iowa's already solidly ahead of where they were in the dark ages of 1999 and 2000. There's, as Kirk would say, no question in that regard. In spite of the doomery and gloomery from certain folks (namely everyone at this board, myself included), Iowa did still go .500 in the BXI, and they'll probably do that again in 2008. Indiana is toothless, Illinois must replace a hulking piece of awesome, and the rest of the tough games are at Kinnick. If the returning offensive linemen improve just a bit and the receivers stay healthy (both conditions that occur for about 70-80% of college football teams on a yearly basis, mind you--hardly steep qualifiers, these), Iowa stands to make a pronounced jump in the BXI standings. Yes, they miss Ohio State and Michigan, but look at what the hell's going on in Ann Arbor and tell me there's a Wolverine squad from the last 30 goddamn years that's nearly as beatable as this one. They're giving that '84 team (whom we destroyed 26-0, Iowa's largest victory in series history [I'm sure you'll be mentioning 1970 for the sake of contrast.--ed.] [nope!--O.P.] [sigh.--ed.]) a run for their money.
Anyhoo, the best part to take from all of this is that though there's lots of youth on the team, there's more experience than you'd expect. Everyone's back on the offensive two-deeps except for the backfield (the site of some jarring underperformance), and they just. can't. possibly perform as badly as they did last season. Experience and conditioning are critical in the development of college players, particularly when it comes to the precision of the timing and routes involved in the passing game. Barring the unforeseeable, production will and must improve.
I mentioned them before, and it's worth mentioning again--there's a strong similarity to the 2001 team. That squad was not particularly senior-heavy, and had it not been for 9/11 NEVER FORGET, they would have been much better than their eventual 7-5 record. There was a cold precision to their dispatches of their first two opponents, and had Iowa State faced them on 9/15 per the schedule, there's no chance Seneca and the Clowns would have won. Instead, Iowa spent 20 days between games, and they looked rusty and unfocused the rest of the way, going just 5-5 after the layoff. Nonetheless, the building blocks were largely present for a fantastic season in 2002. That's about what to expect for 2008. Not the terrorist attack, because the Republicans only warn us about those happening after we elect a Democrat in November, and by then the regular season's nearly over anyway, but a team putting a winning foundation back in place, winning well but not dominating. Yet.
There's no shame, obviously, in the Iowa and Big Ten types not knowing who Larry Munson is. We're all plenty insulated, after all, and there's a scant few of us who have ever been in Georgia to hear Munson call a game (plus, who listens to sports on the radio anymore?). But the man is no less than a national treasure in the college football world, and news of his failing health stunned both Orson and us last night. From the AJC:
Munson, 85, was admitted to St. Mary's Hospital for tests on Thursday and a CT scan revealed a subdural hematoma -- or blood clots -- on his brain. Surgery to correct the problem was performed on Friday and Munson was recovering and resting comfortably Saturday, according to people who have visited him.
From the sound of it, Munson is not on death's door, and they're anticipating his return to calling Georgia games in the fall. We can't know, of course, if that's just a facade of optimism or if he's already on a quick road to recovery, but whenever the words "brain surgery" and "85 years old" are involved, well, it's both fair and necessary to be cautious with prognoses.
Anyhoo, since many of you are probably not very familiar with Munson's work, here are some of his finest calls, immortalized on the YouTubes. Enjoy.
Larry Munson breaks his chair
The Hobnail Boot
Massaquoi!
There are other, longer tribute videos if you search for him on YouTube, so if you have free time (and be honest, you do), spend about 15 minutes there. Also, definitely check out LarryMunson.com's audio archives, especially the 1982 Auburn-Georgia call (halfway down the page). For purposes of comparison, Munson is like Jim Zabel crossed with Bob Brooks, all with the old Georgia drawl that helps romanticize this beautiful, brutal spectacle. He's part of the old guard, slowly but inevitably disappearing into the ethereal, and as a college football fan you should be hoping with all your might that Munson doesn't leave the booth until his vocal cords wear out.
(Did you notice that we went the entire article without a Kingpin "Munson" joke? Aren't you proud of BHGP? No? Fuck you then.)
Anyhoo, we decided to cap the basketball season by talking with the Great Gazoo's own Mike Hlas. You may be thinking, "BHGP, that basketball ship sailed like a month ago. What the hell?" Well, Mr. Hlas covers more than Hawkeye sports. So he was 
SECRETARY
(don't let him do this. you have a Master's in communication.)
Hello!
The good news is that Iowa's already solidly ahead of where they were in the dark ages of 1999 and 2000. There's, as Kirk would say, no question in that regard. In spite of the doomery and gloomery from certain folks (namely everyone at this board, myself included), Iowa did still go .500 in the BXI, and they'll probably do that again in 2008. Indiana is toothless, Illinois must replace a hulking piece of awesome, and the rest of the tough games are at Kinnick. If the returning offensive linemen improve just a bit and the receivers stay healthy (both conditions that occur for about 70-80% of college football teams on a yearly basis, mind you--hardly steep qualifiers, these), Iowa stands to make a pronounced jump in the BXI standings. Yes, they miss Ohio State and Michigan, but look at what the hell's going on in Ann Arbor and tell me there's a Wolverine squad from the last 30 goddamn years that's nearly as beatable as this one. They're giving that '84 team (whom we destroyed 26-0, Iowa's largest victory in series history [I'm sure you'll be mentioning 1970 for the sake of contrast.--ed.] [nope!--O.P.] [sigh.--ed.]) a run for their money.
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