remarchifornication Stories - Black Heart Gold Pants
REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND 2: J LEMAN AND OTHER SECRETARY VS. OLD SCHOOL HEP
Here we are, Other Secretary. Old School Hep's very own Cursed Cave! I'm scared, J! Why are you always on the phone? WHO GOES THERE It's me and Other Secretary, versus you! This is Remarchifornication! IT'S APRIL I don't care what your calendar says. The March to Freedom continues...
REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND 2: CORNSHOE HAMMAKER VS. SHAUN PRATER'S DUI
FACE OFF In a wrestling ring, for some reason... Hello, I'm here with the dreaded Cornshoe Hammaker, whose cannon has blazed his way into infamy in BHGP history. Let me ask you, Cornshoe, how does it feel to have killed Abraham Lincoln? It was cool. Where's the other guy? I can answer that....
REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND 2: SECRETARY VS. RON ZOOK
Hi people, this is Secretary. So I get to the site, and boom, first thing outta Luis' mouth is, "Rick's here," and I think I told you a couple weeks ago, this is like Rick's building himself. Same dude that owns like halfa that Westdale Office Park. Yeah. I'd just like to remind you that...
REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND TWO: JOEPA VS. TIM BREWSTER
FACE OFF Good morning, Mr. Paterno! WHAT Today's your second round matchup against Tim Brewster. WHO IN THE HELL IS THAT SECRETARY I'm right here. I was just talking to you three seco WHO IS TIM THE ROOSTER DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE LET JAY WATCH HIS CARTOONS AGAIN No no. Brewster....
BHGP NCAA TOURNAMENT PICKAROOSKI
As usual, HFMR will be setting up this year's tournament pick-them. We expected him to get it done last night, but instead he got drunk on a Sunday night and huffed some liquid cement. We kick him every now and then and he twitches, so... he's alive and that's cool. Anyway, when he comes to, we'd...
IOWA ROBBED OF TOURNAMENT BERTH
BHGP had Iowa as a 7 seed in our Bracketology. This is horseshit.
A Small Child Points At Howie Long's Dick While He Holds Her Hand
You now have a new reason to hate this ad campaign, where Howie Long acts like a smug, grinning prick to anyone who isn't in a Chevy. Oh, I'm sorry, "accidental"? You think that slipped by EVERYONE in Chevy's marketing department? How adorably naive of you.
REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND 1: J LEMAN VS. OTHER SECRETARY
#2 SEED: J LEMAN Tournament bid: Awarded by Congress (at gunpoint) Pros The patron saint of BHGP Big Ten Network hero Loves America Loves Freedom Saved America at the China Olympics Defeated Ron Zook's nefarious plot Cons Was mind-controlled by Ron Zook of all people Statement ...
REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND 1: RON ZOOK VS. BOBERT ZOOK
SEED #2: RON ZOOK Tournament bid: Ordered via text message Pros Takes all sorts of fun pictures Facilitated the murder of his first round opponent Cons Is actually the last coach to beat Iowa in football Fratricide is kinda frowned upon here at BHGP Breadman Statement ...
Pity Vote
In another inexplicable move destined to fail, Jamie Pollard has hired me, HFMR, as his Remarchifornication campaign manager. Yeah it’s an awful idea but nobody else was going to take such a shitty job. His first order of business was to ban me from using the term "inconsolable." Another...
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