joepa chronicles Stories - Black Heart Gold Pants
Iowa vs Penn State Preview: A Photo Essay
FINAL SCORE: IOWA HAWKEYES - 20 PENN STATE - 16
JoePa Chooses A Quarterback
Six months ago... I want to transfer. NO. Six days ago... I want to start. NO. Six hours ago... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST PICK ONE QUARTERBACK AND STICK WITH HIM~! NO. /hangs self /watches film /fumbles /throws interception /incomplete /incomplete /incomplete /incomplete /throws...
Big Ten Media Days: Joey And The Bobber
OKAY ...sir? YES Is that your opening statement? Just... "okay"? I NEVER HAD MUCH USE FOR THE FILIBUSTER, JUNIOR I see. THAT REMINDS ME OF THE STORY I TOLD TODD BLACKLEDGE ROUGHLY 30 YEARS AGO. TIMES WERE DIFFERENT THEN, AND PEOPLE DIDN'T LOOK AT FOOTBALL PLAYERS THE SAME WAY...
Ricky Stanzi NFL Draft Profile
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah-ah-ah Yeah-ah-ah Yeah-ah-ah Yeah-ah-ah Yeah, yeah, yeah Seven a.m., waking up in the morning Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal Seein' everything, the time is goin' Tickin'...
Joe Paterno And The Bracket Pool
(SCENE: inside the Penn State football offices.) HARLOT! WHERE ARE YOU?! I REQUIRE JELLO. AND PUDDING POPS. THE MAN IN THE COLORFUL SWEATERS ON THE TALKY BOX ASSURES ME THEY ARE DELICIOUS. ... HARLOT! COME OUT HERE THIS INSTANCE! (sighs) Over here, sir. And I'm an administrative...
Joe Paterno Retains A Quarterback
Scene: The Outback Bowl. Penn State and Florida have battled to a 30-24 score late in the fourth quarter. Penn State has the ball, and quarterback Matt McGloin is trying to drive his team down the field for the winning score. YOU CAN DO IT THROW A TOUCHDOWN IMMEDIATELY I TRUST YOU COMPLETELY,...
MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 2: JOE PATERNO VS. GARY BARTA
Scene: A spacious office with cardboard boxes everywhere. A middle-aged man and his son forlornly pack things away. So you're not going to go to the press and tell them about how you got railroaded out of town, Dad? Look. I know it would be superficially rewarding to get in front of as many...
BLACK HEART GOLD PODCAST 25: THE MARCHIFORNICATION SELECTION SATURDAY SPECIAL
He didn't make it. Marchifornication is upon us. Your brackets are detailed in the podcast below. It's also incredibly NSFW, which is fine because it's Saturday and you aren't working. Listen below or subscribe on iTunes. BHGPodcast 25
The JoePa Chronicles: Joe Paterno Seals The Deal
Scene: A familiar football office. The regular season is over, and the phones have largely stopped ringing, save for bored reporters. The same faces are in the office, but only to put in their minimum of hours for payroll's sake. An aging man stares at a newspaper, bewildered. THIS CROSSWORD MAKES...
The Panchero's Zombie Assault, Explained
Hola Pancheros, what order I like turtles Que? Here or to go? I like turtles Que? No habla turtle, little English, habla Espanol, Pancheros. Burrito? I like turtles HEY COME ON NOW PAL I WANT TO ORDER A FOOD TO EAT WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA HEY (turns around) HOLY SHIT A ZOMBIE PUNCH Dude,...
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