We don't do these things because we like them.

If you're starved for hot Oops Pow action [nobody is.--ed.], you may now go several places to do so. This update is already staler than that pizza you left out last Thursday, on account of a trip I went on over the weekend, but fuck you, whatever, it's an update.

1. At BTB's newest recruit, State of Game, there's a heinously early preview of the 2008 Iowa football season. Never mind, of course, that they had already written two. It's the quantity that counts in blogging, never ever the quality.

We'd like to go on record right now and declare BHGP the Official Fans of State of Game. And why, you ask? The names. The main guy's name is Beauford Bixel. That's AWESOME. Then the next guy is named Champ Summers, which has to be a porn alias. Speaking of porn aliases, you know the game where you find yours by taking your first pet's name as your first name, then your last name is the street you grew up on? I'm going to do OPS II a huge favor by naming his first pet Dirk. Also, I'm moving the family to Thunderpenis Avenue.

2. Over at the Fanhouse, an article about Alabama State and a world-altering 668 NCAA violations. I received a grand total of one comment on the article, and it was, in its entirety, as follows:

Parkinson's Joke?

Please tell me your not being paid by AOL for this

Ahem. AOL is paying me, sir, and to insinuate that they ought not is fucked up. Very fucked up. More fucked up than Michael J. Fox's golf swing.

3. I'm twittering now. This is A: not a euphemism for masturbation, and B: probably not a good idea. We're still deciding whether to add the twitter feed (again, this only sounds dirty) to the side of the page, but at this point, even our vanity has its limits. Add us if you'd like daily updates on our views on Steely Dan (good!), racist guys at bars (bad!), or obese nude skydiving (intriguing!).

You know that awesome Steven Seagal movie, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory?

HELL YES.

The one about where there's a train in the mountains and you couldn't talk on the radio with anyone for a while because of the terrain blocking the radio waves and so they call that area the Dark Territory or something? You know the one I'm talking about? The one where there's terrorists (white guys, mind you, this is before 9/11 changed everything) who are going to blow up a nuke in Denver or something? And then Seagal's character is on the train with his hot daughter and he kicks the hell out of everybody and he does that weird double cross-chop thing? I don't want to spoil the ending, but he wins. Anyway, that's sort of where I am these days. Between a new job where if you use the internet, you DIE and the usual waiting game from Qwest when you move, the only way I can use Googles and internets is A: on one of these bad boys, which is every bit as shootmeinthefacefuckingkillme as you would imagine, or B: here at the library. I think the IT department is wondering why I haven't logged onto myspace or hotmail yet; EVERYONE is on one of the two sites here.

NOW DIE

Anyhoo, pardon the silence around BHGP* until the new headquarters is up and running. It will feature absolutely nothing new, so don't you worry your pretty little head about anything positive coming out of this period of radio silence. In the meantime, just to tide you fuckers over, a story that has absolutely nothing to do with Iowa sports after the break.

(keep reading...)

*Yes, there are technically two other bloggers here; Hawkeye State will probably continue to post roughly twice a week, and as near as we can tell Jebus is sailing through Africa and looking for Col. Kurtz. Best of luck to him on that front.

That may as well be we three stooges here at the BHGP home office. Pardon our asses as they remain in "dragged" mode; we'll have a recruiting update posted later today. But for now, some... some coffee. Yeah. Then we'ert54444444444444444

[Editor's note: OPS fell asleep with his face on the keyboard. Let's draw on him.]

Pardon our Dana Perino-esque incompetence in not posting a single story today; we're still gathering facts, and I'm not going to characterize us as productive or nonproductive. We're gathering facts and helping other blogs gather facts and I can't comment on that any further at this time as we are still in the fact gathering process.

In fairness to ourselves, the BHGP press room hasn't been completely dark all day; we've been toying with some ideas, working on drafts, and gently breaking the news to our livers that they are definitely going to die during Friday night's Drake liveblog at 7 p.m. Until then, hyper-vigilance, readers; the facts aren't going to gather themselves.

P.S. What the fuck is the "Cuban Missile Crisis"?

Jebus's weekly gambling feature is up on EDSBS.

It contains a description of the Duke-ND game that one commenter said "should live in infamy." So, uh... you've been warned.

I know, I know. These teaser items suck. We promise to never run one again.

Unless we feel like it.

Nonetheless, big news, readers! We're moving the blog and changing the name again! Okay, not really. But we are, in fact, very excited to report that a couple very cool things are in the works right now, involving people who are given money just to write words. It's a terrifyingly novel concept for us; we'd rather be sitting under our desks, making things up about people, and posting images that have an at-best tangential relationship to the premise of the story.

Have you hugged America today? J Leman has.

We would like to mention that the peerless Brian Cook at mgoblog invited yours truly to take part in a spirited VEQ regarding the upcoming Michigan-Illinois game. It was an enjoyable and ultra-patriotic experience for all, and you simply must give it a read. For example:

Also to be fair, it's not clear that Zook can do anything except order his quarterbacks to throw interceptions. Speaking of interceptions: is Illinois backup SomethingSomething McGee any different than Juice?

Before we go any further with this question, I hope to God their backup QB somehow acquires the nickname "Tits." I don't care how.

Working on it. My Iowa preview last year was titled "Show Me Your Tates," so I am a kindred spirit.

What's striking about the Illinois quarterback situation is that for as physically talented as Juice is, there seem to be two undeniable truths:

1. He is at a point in a quarterback's maturation process that would keep him buried on most depth charts;

2. His coach does not seem remotely capable of remedying that fact.

Have you seen any marked improvement in Juice's game as a passer? He's completing all of 55% of his passes these days, which is better than 39% the way that herpes is
better than cancer.

Also, it seems that whenever McGee comes into the game, Zook all but scraps the option and lets the kid start throwing the ball, which he's not too bad at doing. Is it at all healthy for Williams, as a true sophomore, to already see his PT cut in order to give a freshman below him some snaps? Probably not. But that's the Zooker for you.

Last, J Leman figures prominently, and let's just leave it at that.

Quick note: The game preview is coming up tonight. In the meantime, while the real world kicks my ass, enjoy the sheer brilliance of a shark and a bear killin' shit.