For all you college students out there, it's time for the BHGP Final Exam. You have one hour. Good luck, and remember that it's not cheating if you found it on Wikipedia.
(1) West Des Moines Valley offensive tackle and possible victim of gigantism David Barrent gave a verbal commitment to Iowa this weekend. Scout.com currently lists him as a 4-star recruit. He received offers from Iowa State, Minnesota, Illinois, Nebraska, Michigan State, and Northwestern. Rank those schools in the order of their fans' hatred for Iowa, from most to least.
(2)
One of these things will make Pat Harty's head explode:
If a Schrutebuck has a cash value of 1/100th of one cent, and a Chizik nickel is worth 3/1000th of one Schrutebuck, how many Chizik nickels does it take to pay Todd Blythe's practice squad salary?
Want another MP3? Yes, you do: This post is brought to you by Bill Withers, three of his friends, and a barebones performance of Ain't No Sunshine that proves that sometimes, a performance can be good on its own merits and without getting completely warped out of the realm of reality in the studio. Medical studies have proven that this 2:08 song will lower your heart rate by 10-15 BPM. Please, enjoy.
Right off the linkbat, we've got a very cool interview between LTP and Jeremy Poneman, the 16-year-old Evanston kid who just so happens to be a remarkable evaluator of basketball talent. Poneman wants to go to Northwestern, of course, but he's not exactly the enemy here:
DP: I am an Iowa hoops fan first (ed note: boo!) and foremost (its easier to be one of those than a NU fan), and i am also a NU hoops fan. I was born in Iowa, and we were season ticket holders until we moved here when i was 3.
And before you get on an OMG IOWA HE WILL RECRUTE kick, uh, not so fast:
However, i will not try and help the program too much, as 1) i don't want to get the program into trouble because of something stupid i do, and 2) if i discover a good kid and i only tell NU about him, i am doing a disservice to the kid by not letting him explore all of his opportunities. It isn't my job to dictate where a kid goes, only to give him the best possible opportunity to succeed.
All in all, he's got quite a level head on his shoulders, which makes us believe he's not really 16 at all, and just pulling a Drew Barrymore, Never Been Kissed-esque con job and pretending to be in high school despite the fact that he's damned near 30.
Reason #6,312 I am moving to Canada: Walkoff Walk has an awesome story about the Blue Jays newspaper blog, and while we're not saying it would never happen in the States, we are saying it has never happened in the States. Anyhoo, they mistakenly inferred that a colleague of theirs was dead, and this was their retraction:
"Shi Davidi is not dead. If the emails and comments are anything to go by, I may have given people the wrong impression when I noted recently that CP's estimable baseball beat writer is 'no longer with us'. I meant that in the literal sense, as in 'not in Florida'. Not as in 'has shuffled off this mortal coil'.
Shi himself messaged me. I'm sure his family was getting worried. I told him that my (virtual) powers are limitless and that the Star's travel budget does include a provision for witch doctors and raisings from the dead, not to be confused with the water cure.
So Shi is alive and well, though still labouring under the misapprehension (along with MLB.com's Jordan Bastian and the FAN590's Mike Wilner) that a constant Tampa diet of P.F. Chang's will not eventually kill him. They continue to insist to me that a nightly partaking of disstilled spirits will do likewise. We agree to disagree."
Remember, Coach K wants you to grow as a human being too: We're not sure where titty twisters fall under the Mike Shoe-chef-ski Plan For Personal Growth, but Kyle Singler does, apparently. Duke keeps it classy, always. All credit due to The Mighty MJD and his Yahoo blog that I already forgot the name of (damn you, advanced Alzheimer's).
Casey McMillan, we have found your nemesis: Courtesy of the Sports Hernia. If these two fought, Tokyo would be in shambles.
Last, for those of you who wagered you would not see the terms "wombat," "Northwestern," "rape," and "Drew Barrymore" in one BHGP post this week, please remit payment to our bookies immediately: A New Zealand man is punished for making false rape accusations against a wombat. Again: FALSE RAPE ACCUSATIONS AGAINST A WOMBAT. It's too bad he withdrew the complaint almost immediately, because had it gone to trial, I'm fairly certain the ensuing spectacle would have boosted CourtTV's ratings by a factor of eleventy trillion percent.
It's no secret we have a problem with certainmembers of the local media. Now it's time we take it national:
I hate Mitch Albom
I hate him. I hate his schmaltzy columns. I hate his schmaltzy books. I hate his topics, which make that NBC Sports Kentucky Derby pregame fluff look like "60 Minutes." I hate his weirdo ears, and I hate his weirdo haircut that covers said weirdo ears even more. I hate his smarmy, uninformed appearances on The Sports Reporters (anyone else remember when that show was great?) I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
Apparently I'm not the only one. Deadspin finally got around to Albom in its long-running Media Approval Ratings series. Albom received a whopping 13% approval. Thirteen percent of the populous, likely made up of the elderly, the illiterate, and my mother, approve of this schmuck. I still think it's too high.
You say you want journalism? Real, honest-to-God sports reporting? You're in the wrong place, mi amigo. Get thee to Lake the Posts, where LTP is posting the first in a series of interviews it did with former NU coach, Iowa hater, and strip club benefactor Gary Barnett.
"Hope we didn't hurt your boys too bad, Johnny Cash"
It's a fascinating clip, where Barnett discusses his first interview with the school and confirms every stereotype surrounding Northwestern athletics: Not one person asked him a question about football; Ryan Field was a dump; LTP is actually a centaur. You know, the usual.
We've spent quite some time here discussing the upcoming NCAA tournament, but we have yet to tackle the gambling implications. It's due in part to our self-referential obsession with our own characters, commenters, and selves. But it's also because we could never do justice to the subject, at least not after reading Vegas Watch. Just as an example:
It was discussed in the East preview that the Sportsbook lines are unusually good because of UNC being so overvalued. Sadly, this does not hold true in the West, as UCLA's odds are more reasonable. There is still one that sticks out, however- the Aggies' Sportsbook odds are twice their true odds. As with Indiana, this is even after knocking down the Pomeroy odds, as I question whether Texas A&M is the 16th best team in the nation (although, looking at the teams below them, they're probably pretty close). Even with this conservative assumption, 60-1 looks great.
They're also running a baseball total wins over/under contest, and it has real prizes and everything. So, fellow degenerates, put that in your RSS reader, learn more, and get that place in the Caymans more quickly.
He'll be at Every Day Should Be Saturday all weekend, surely writing about nothing but college football during the biggest college basketball weekend of the year. Nobody ever said ole' condom head was the brighest bulb. Jebus and I (and probably OPS) will be intermittently liveblogging here through the opening weekend (and occasionally stopping in at The House That EDSBS Built to steal Orson's food).
Sure, we may come off as jokesters around here, but there are things we take seriously. For starters, there's Southeast Asian transvestite prostitutes, because, well, BOI-OI-OI-OING.
And the second is plagiarism. Dirty, dirty plagiarism.
For example, Off the Tracks, a fine Purdue blog, submitted their weekly Big Ten Blogger Basketball Power Poll (or, sounding like something Bill the Cat would say, BTBBBPP) here. It's all fine and good, except at the end, they compare the Big Ten teams to... Simpsons characters.
Oh behalf of Hey Jenny Slater, the BTB, and all of Blogfrica, we demand the immediate dismissal of OtT--not just from the BTB, but from every single internet. Justice is a dish best served brutal.
And on that note, another edition of You Found Us!
pear of anguish use clips
We are pretty sure you don't want to see this getting shoved up anything, friend. Or at least we hope.
SportsBlahg issues its list of the All-Time Best Moves in Sports Video Games. Auspiciously missing from the list is the juke button on Madden 2000 for Nintendo 64. That being said, the wraparound shot on NHL '94 (ranked #3 on their list) made post-FAC games on Super Nintendo very profitable. I don't think I paid for a beer in three years.
You can't stop it. You can only hope to contain it.
Purdue might not have actually fired its current coach, but that didn't stop them from hiring a new one. Which raises the question: What do you get when you cross the steely manliness of the Zooker with the sublime moustache of an early-00's Tom Selleck? Danny Hope, that's what. (By the way, if you're not reading Boiled Sports, what's stopping you? Company blocking software that isn't happy with "Sideboob Friday"? Oh, OK. Read it at home.)
I'm not one to admit it, but my only must-read blog is This Week in Milford, the hilarious daily analysis of the immortal Gil Thorp.
Story of the Week: Former Michigan Wolverine and current R. Kelly impersonator Glen Rice finds a man in his closet; unknown whether he subsequently found a midget under the sink.
And finally, Vladimir Putin may be Time Person of the Year. Brett Favre might have won SI's GunslingerEgomaniacChris Berman Wet Dream Sportsman of the Year. But only Akon's path of destruction was enough to secure Realest of the Year. Former Hawkeye Ricky Davis (the Susan Lucci of RotY) was unavailable for comment.
Here's a few links worth reading, courtesy of the greatest Hawkeye since Ronnie Lester's knee buckled in the 1980 Final Four...
Would any jury convict him for strangling Clem Haskins? I say no.
First off, a very special Where Are They Now from the Big Ten Chronicle, featuring Mr. Woolridge himself. There's nothing earth-shattering or anything that we didn't already know (went to Turkey, kicked some ass), but it still mystifies us that he never went on to star in the NBA. The 96-97 Hawkeyes were woefully undertalented, having lost Chris Kingsbury, Jess Settles, Russ Millard, and Kenyon Murray from the previous season. Still, Woolridge single-handedly carried the team to the second round of the NCAA, where Iowa damned near beat eventual runner-up Kentucky. He was simply heroic all season long, and Iowa's had nobody with half the leadership since.
Second, Orson's June Junes interview at SMU at EDSBS is mindblowing on so many different levels. Here's an excerpt that in no way reveals any of the plot:
Ed: I played at SMU, Jones. I know what the I-formation is. I have a loaded gun in my hands, and it goes off when I’m bored. And I’m getting perilously closed to uninterested, a little neighborhood just three blocks over from bored-town.
June: I know. You were the one who murdered Jerry Glanville.
Ed: Killed, Jones, killed. Murder is wrong. Killin’ is justified.
LTP is starting a series of profiles on the Purple Mafia, the Northwestern alumni in sports media. Today's article is on Darren Rovell, formerly of ESPN and currently of CNBC and SportsBiz. Cool stuff, even for a school that's just Northwestern.
Cool stuff from The Big Lead: Why is ESPN ignoring that Tarnished Heisman book about Reggie Bush? Sure, it's old news, but it's all over the other sites and networks. Might it have something to do with Reggie Bush's attorney being a legal consultant for ESPN? Hmmmmmmmmm?
And last, a couple YouTubes of BHGP's favorite spectator sport: Paternity tests on Maury!
This is outstanding just for the lone white guy.
Try not to spend an hour at work youtubing Maury. Try. You will fail miserably.
Anyone who knows the founding fathers of BHGP knows that our cause celebre is gambling.* In particular, we openly pray for the day when online sports gambling is legal, if only because the online prices are better and our knees remain unbroken throughout the season.
A little more than a year ago, former Iowa City Congressman Jim Leach snuck a bill aimed at destroying online gambling into a port security bill. It led to the widespread defection from the U.S. market of many online gambling houses (the day that Pinnacle Sports closed its doors to Americans, and cut me off from that tasty 3% vig on NFL games, I wept like Mitt Romney with a radio). A month later, the gambling bill also led to the defeat of Congressman Leach.
In the meantime, the World Trade Organization got involved. The European Union, a number of Caribbean countries, and Japan filed complaints with the WTO, arguing the US was keeping them out of the American gambling market in violation of trade agreements.
Legally novel? Absolutely. Legally successful? No, not so much. Sorry, fellow degenerates, but it's not looking like juicy juice will return anytime soon. And, now, if you'll excuse me, I have to call Jimmy Two-Times to get down on Navy +8.
Speaking of Mitt Romney (I swear, I'll never mention him again), it seems the occasionally pro-life, occasionally pro-choice** former governor most definitely did not live in a pink house. From this week's "Meet the Press":
I have to clear up the most egregious error in that (Boston Globe) article. It said my house is pink. I would not have a pink house, I assure you.
Before leaving the set, Romney was served with a Title IX complaint by Jill Gaulding. Gaulding now drives 700 miles round-trip to stand across the street from Romney rallies and express her displeasure with the homophobic and sexist statement made by the Republican candidate. How dare he!
(By the way, if anyone reading this lives at 505 E. Burlington St., you might want to watch out; Jill Gaulding might burn the place to the ground. You'll wake up one night to the smell of smoldering carpet and the sound of a former law professor singing "Fire Water Burn.")
Three Iowa seniors (Charles Godfrey, Mike Humpal, and Kenny Iwebema) have been invited to a variety of senior meat markets all-star games. Godfrey, who is being mentioned as a first-day NFL draft pick (despite your typical NFL GM's Tom Knightmares), will be playing at the Senior Bowl in Mobile, AL. Humpal is going to Hawaii. Iwebema will travel to Houston.
Northwestern has named a new interim athletic director. He has no real athletic experience, so he should fit right into the Northwestern athletics program. Also, he is the long-lost twin brother of Arrested Development's Stan Sitwell.
That man in the center is definitely not the new Northwestern athletic director...OR IS HE?
Finally, Run Up the Score is my sworn adversary. He's an intelligent, well-spoken Penn State fan who inexplicably likes both Wilco and Son Volt (which is the musical equivalent of being both Sunni and Shi'ite). Nevertheless, his music posts are fantastic at worst and legendary at best, and this week features Christmas music. If you're like me (and you weren't summarily terminated for turning the 7th Floor Crew up to 11 on Monday), you are slowly going crazy because someone in your office won't stop listening to Celine Dion butcher the Christmas classics. Might I suggest recommending some "alternative" Christmas music, then dropping Kurtis Blow on the motherfuckin' office?
* - And Iowa sports. And tenacious defense. And dorm-produced hip-hop. And boobs. We really like boobs.
** - Romney refuses to say whether he is pro-"Life as a G"
I really don't give a damn about the ESPN Tostitos Allstate Heisman trophy. It's fun to see one of your guys in the discussion, and my great-grandpappy tells me it's fun to see one of your guys win it, even if the moving pictures don't have any sound. Nevertheless, the voting is driven by ESPN. In fact, The Worldwide Leader could take all the accounting work out of this and just have Corso and Herbstreit choose the winner. For the record, I would have voted for Dennis Dixon; any player who takes his team to #2 in the country, is single-handedly dismantling his opponent, then blows out his knee and watches from the sideline as his team enters the death spiral is deserving of the award. Nevertheless, some of the best stuff from the past week is on Tim Tebow's Heisman win:
Stiff Arm Trophy, which is sorta obsessed with this thing, has chronicled the ballots of as many voters as it can find. The strangest ballot of them all belongs to the Quad City Times' own Don Doxsie, who inexplicably voted #1 Tebow/#2 Graham Harrell/#3 Rashard Mendenhall.
Speaking of obsessed, Loser With Socks is still bitching about Peyton Manning's 1997 loss to Charles Woodson, apparently because a quarterback's ability to fold under pressure should not be taken into account. In fact, LWS is absolutely correct. Let's rescind Saturday's vote and give the trophy to Erik Ainge, who can fold himself into the shape of a swan.
Yup. Hard to argue 3000+ yards passing and 1000+ yards rushing not being Heisman worthy. We aren't inclined to fact check, but (unless told differently) we assume that this has never been done before.
When you put the numbers on the table, we can all agree. Numbers like these and doing something that has never been done before deserve the Heisman.
Case closed. And, since Tebow/Florida fans made the case based on stats and historic achievement, we are sure that they won't have any argument with the verdict:
Central Michigan's Dan LeFevour deserves the Heisman. The stats listed are his.
In typical NOISB fashion, the logic is impeccable. The argument is indefatigable. The ties are bow-shaped.
In non-Heisman news, BHGP has won another* award. Lake the Posts has given us the "Kevin O'Neill Award" for excellence in profanity. Our parents are very proud.
Dirty Laundry has combined the sheer entertainment of the Bo Pelini inauguration with quotes from The Departed. By the way, in all my years on this planet, I have never seen a more passive-aggressive press conference than the Pelini introduction. They ended the presser only when they could think of no other ways to smugly snark Peterson and Callahan. It was like watching Napoleon return from Elba, then making 60 jokes about the Bourbons without specifically saying their name.
Ah, the offseason. Time for the triumphant return of the weekly link dump.
Fox Sports resident moron Peter Schrager (who has a giant hardon for SEC speed in general and Tim Tebow in particular) has idiotically named Iowa's loss to WMU as the worst loss of the season. Worse than Stanford/USC. Worse than Michigan/Appalachian State. Worse than Pitt/WVU. He also puts 7-4 Navy's triple overtime win over 3-9 Notre Dame at #9. In other words, he never actually bothered to watch a college football game this season. Iowa/WMU made me question life, faith, the meaning of it all, but losing the chance to get shitkicked by Oklahoma State in an insignificant bowl game is nowhere near losing the chance to play for the National Championship because you can't handle the Wannstache.
Irish Outsider, the brilliant mind behind Fire Mark May, might have finally lost it. That being said, it's a great song on a great album by a great band. And it might be cathartic to you, too, Iowa fan.
An official RIP to Every Day Should be Lemsday, the best damn Ed Orgeron blog on the ebays. They were hilarious, and they updated just as frequently as your typical Illinois blog.
A couple of programming notes: With Orson on vacation, Jebus will be filling in periodically over at EDSBS this week. OPS and I are still waiting for our invitation to the cool kids' table. And Mark Hasty, former author of The Bemusement Park and godfather of Iowa football blogging, is now writing at AOL Fanhouse. He's smarter than me, so read.
Want another MP3? Yes, you do: This post is brought to you by Bill Withers, three of his friends, and 
COLLEGE BLOGS
COLLEGE BLOGS
