The fat has been trimmed from the steak, we're finally here - It's the finals! This is what we're voting on.

Today: Lady vs. Scamp!

DMBMEG

PROS:  Exterminator. Impersonator. Coffee lover. Laborer.

CONS: Not even an Iowan, she's from Minnesota. Frequently rolls around on floor.

JEBUS H. CHRIST

PROS: Inventor. Educator. Historian. Mother Fucker.

CONS: Too passionate. Too handsome [see: above].

FINAL UPDATE:

BHGP rides again!

This is what we're voting on. Today: Ballin vs. Balls of Steel!

CITY BOYZ, INC.

PROS:  Stole credit cards. Stole DVD's. Procured various drugs. Took pictures. Taught us all life is a proverbial hustle.

CONS: Already out-hustled by Clemson's Kenneth Page.

JEBUS H. CHRIST

PROS: One of the three BHGP Mouseketeers. Also one of the three Trinity Mouseketeers, as the Bible teaches us. Active lobbyist against the pants industry.

CONS: Eliminated his son in 1st round without remorse, then dispatched BHGP's favorite hair fetishist.

There's got to be a catchier name for the semifinals than "Last Four." Just can't think of one. Today: BRAAAAAAINS vs. brawn!

JOE PATERNO

PROS: Met Fergie, listened to Fergie, contemplated his grandchildren, met Bill Cowher, wooed Terrelle Pryor.

CONS: Technically only tangentially related to Iowa athletics. Indeterminate age.

DMBMEG

PROS:
THIS YOUNG LADY IS AN ODD ONE

How so?

LOOK AT HER. BACK IN MY DAY WE WOULD SAY HER HUMORS ARE OUT OF BALANCE

THEN COME THE LEECHES

Joe, we're

MISTER PATERNO WILL BE FINE THANK YOU

--we're trying to discuss her "pros." We'll get to the cons in a bit.

WHY AM I EVEN FACING HER, I'M THE MOST TENURED FOOTBALL COACH IN AMERICA AND SHE IS A CONFIRMED IRISH

Hey! Cons go later!

I'M SORRY BUT THEY'VE BEEN A SCOURGE ON AMERICA FOR TOO LONG. LOOK AT GEORGE O'LEARY, HE'S GIVEN THE NOTRE DAME JOB AND WITHIN FOUR HOURS HE'S JACKED UP ON HOST AND TULLAMORE DEW PICKING FIGHTS WITH RUDY

Okay, George O'Leary's problem was with his resume. He falsified

POINT ONE: ANOTHER POINT FOR THE UNTRUSTWORTHY IRISH, WORSE SO THAN THE BRITONS, FRENCHMEN, SLAVS, OR DASTARDLY PORTUGUESE. TWO: THEY WERE ENTIRELY SELF-INTERESTED IN SUPPRESSING THE BENDER, BECAUSE HE DID IT WITH HALF THE MEMBERS OF THE BOARD OF TRUSTEES. ALL IRISHMEN ONCE AGAIN

I give up.

THAT IS JUST WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO DO

CONS:

LET ME HANDLE THIS ONE

IRISH

GOD I HATE NOTRE DAME

FIGHTING IRISH SHOULD BE A LIFE'S WORK, NOT A MASCOT

Meg didn't even go to Notre Dame or anything. She went to Iowa. And that's hardly a con; we're a Hawkeye site too

SYMPATHIZERS, THE LOT OF YOU

You're a bastard, Joe Paterno.

AT LEAST I DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH AN UNCLEAN PEOPLE

This is what we're voting on. Today: The Recently Departed vs. The Mildly Retarded!

CITY BOYZ, INC.

He's got his mind on his money and his money on his mind

PROS:  Stole credit cards.  Stole DVD's.  Procured various drugs.  Took pictures.  Taught us all life is a proverbial hustle.

CONS:  Currently perusing the course catalogs of various junior colleges.

HAWKEYE STATE

BHGP doesn't pay too much

PROS:  Pissed off Ohio State.  Pissed off Ohio State again.  Pissed off CBI's friends on Youtube.  Pissed off people we had never heard of.

CONS:  Couldn't find a way to piss off Democrats.

This is what we're voting on. Today: The Man vs. The Media!

RON ZOOK

PROS: Our very first fake interview. Brought out the Zook Hook. Wants you to get Better and Better. Ruined College Football Insider. Is rollin.

CONS: He probably violated Jebus.

JEBUS H. CHRIST

PROS: Founder of BHGP. Undisputed king of liveblogs. Doesn't wear pants. Drinks. May be carrying the Zooker's dumpling love child.

CONS: Eliminated his son in 1st round without remorse. Has inappropriate and disturbing obsession with mascots. Doesn't wear pants.

Round two of BHGP Bracket Madness is underway. Today: Beauty vs. The Beauty!

DMBMEG

PROS: Received highest vote count in Round 1. Makes the comments interesting. Bloggeuse.

CONS: Beating J Leman = hating BHGP, America.

OOPS POW SURPRISE

PROS: Triumphed over Pat Harty in Round 1. Once went to the State Fair for a spelling bee in elementary school.

CONS: [oh. my. god.--ed.]

One round of insanity is in the books. High seeds J Leman and Seth Gorney are gone. All three writers are still in it, though all survived by the slimmest of margins. We're switching to one contest a day for the rest of the week to set up the world's most insane Bracket Madness Final Four Bracket ever for next week. Here's a look at the damage:

So, no need to waste time getting this thing rolling, eh? Let's get it started right now.

Today: The Mangoblin vs. The Manchild!

JOE PATERNO

PROS: Still the head coach at

WAIT A DAMNED MINUTE

Whoa. Hey.

I'M PUTTING A STOP TO THIS FUNNY BUSINESS RIGHT NOW

Surely you're not dropping out of the tournament!

OF COURSE NOT. AND DO NOT CALL ME SURELY

You mean Shirley?

IS THAT MY SECRETARY'S NAME

No.

IF YOU WANT PROS AND CONS, I'M AS GOOD A SOURCE AS ANY, AND MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT YOU DID NOT ASK ME EARLIER

Aw, well thanks

THAT AND I ALSO REGRET HAVING A GIANT EIGHTY YEAR OLD PROSTATE

FILE THAT UNDER CONS

None of us needed to know that.

IT WAS BACK IN 1994 WHEN WE FIRST JOINED THE BIG TEN, AND KERRY COLLINS CAME UP TO ME DURING PRACTICE AND INFORMED ME THAT HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH HIS RECEIVERS. I SAID, DO TELL KERRY, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME. ABOUT FIFTEEN SECONDS INTO HIS COMPLAINT I REALIZED THAT I DIDN'T GIVE ONE FLYING FART WHAT HE HAD TO SAY, SO I HANDED HIM A LIVE GRENADE

Does he always do this?

Yes.

HE STOOD THERE DUMBFOUNDED UNTIL I TOOK THE PIN OUT AND STARTED TO LEAVE. THE KID THREW ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GRENADES I'VE EVER SEEN, STRAIGHT INTO THE SWIMMING POOL

What pool?! We don't have a

SEVENTEEN YOUNG ATHLETES DIED THAT DAY AND I THINK KERRY LEARNED HIS LESSON, WE WENT UNDEFEATED THAT YEAR

I'm gonna chalk that one up as a "con" again.

AS A YOUNG MAN I BROUGHT DOWN THE HINDENBURG BY HURLING BASEBALLS AT IT, TO THIS DAY I DO NOT REGRET IT ONE BIT

Let's move on to your opponent.

CASEY MCMILLAN

PROS: Montana Gatorade Player of the Year. First-team all-state on offensive and defensive lines. Clearly throwing his point guard at innocent bystanders.

I LIKE HIS STYLE

CONS: Did not receive any other offers from BCS conference teams. Tales of his violent reign of terror are, uh, apocryphal.

IF MIGHTY CASEY WANTS AN OFFER, HE CAN COME TO HAPPY VALLEY RIGHT NOW, WE HAVE A B-52 FULL OF MONEY AND VIRGINS JUST SITTING AROUND NOW

He can't do that. He already signed his letter of intent with Iowa, Joe.

WHAT

Casey McMillan's a Hawkeye.

SECRETARY, KILL THIS MCMILLAN WITH YOUR BARE HANDS

But he's 300 pounds! He's three times my size!

I WAS TOLD YOU WERE PROFICIENT IN THE BUDOKAN KARATE STYLE

No, I'm fluent in French, asshole!

PARDON, YOU'RE FRENCH

No, I just speak it!

I think he was making a joke. Like "pardon my French."

I WOULD NEVER PARDON A FRENCHMAN

This is what we're voting on. Today: Mad Genius vs. Mad Stupid!

CBI

PROS: Has started a new basketball tournament, incredibly. Shame on those who considered their gains ill-gotten.

CONS: Left us too soon. Wait, where are our wallets?

BELLANCA

PROS: Helped us through the Kirk Ferentz quasifiasco.

CONS: Has taken to calling himself 40-Second Bellanca. In a stunning moment of poetic irony, is not available for comment on his own voting page, having run off to the Caribbean in a time of great need. Kirk Ferentz and Bill Martin nod knowingly.

This is what we're voting on. Today: H State vs. G Unit!

HAWKEYE STATE

PROS: Associate Editor of BHGP. Shared a few tears with us. Once got the BHGP staff confused for a ridiculously fat guy. Channeled Bob Goulet.

CONS: Turns into Dawson when he cries. He's sort of a reverse-emo Bruce Banner like that.

GUY RUCKER

PROS: 10th leading shot blocker in Iowa history. Started and averaged 10.6 points as a freshman. Lived Life as a G.

CONS: Started only as a freshman. Declined fourth-year option on scholarship. Are those... cornrows?

This is what we're voting on. Today: Cool as ice vs. Smirnoff Ice!

RON ZOOK

PROS: Our very first fake interview. Brought out the Zook Hook. Wants you to get Better and Better. Ruined College Football Insider. Is rollin.

CONS: He probably violated Jebus.

DAN BOHALL

Bohall is on the left, next to Greg Helmers.

PROS: Played meaningful minutes for a Big Ten team this year, for some reason.

CONS: Orchestrated lamest arrest in Hawkeye history. Drinks Zima. Did not earn the title of Captain Awesome. Probably listens to the Insane Clown Posse on purpose.

This is what we're voting on. Today: Father vs. Son!

SETH GORNEY

PROS: Was every bit the MVP of the Ohio State win as Justin Johnson was. Improved by leaps and bounds over his first three seasons. Has the best set of nicknames in Hawkeye history--The New Gornographer, Gorno For Pyros, Caligornication, Gornstar, Gornzilla, etc.

CONS: Got the Eagle/Globe/Anchor tattoo without ever joining the Marines, which neither we nor the Marines would recommend.

JEBUS H. CHRIST

PROS: Undisputed king of liveblogs. Is not wearing pants. Adopted Seth Gorney, undoubtedly fueling Gorno's resurgence.

CONS: Doesn't write nearly enough for BHGP.

This is what we're voting on. Today: the current Mr. J Leman vs. the future Mrs. M Leman!

J LEMAN

PROS: Jesus Christ, look at him - chiseled jaw, carefree grin, and hair like Cheryl Tiegs. Patron saint of BHGP.  
Oh, and he's the best linebacker in the BXI.

CONS: Illini - nuff said.

DMBMEG

PROS: One of our most "prolific" commenters. This Iowa alumna has a crazed smile, hair like a mushroom cloud, and smells like Fruity Pebbles. Also, she's startlingly effective at derailing comment threads.

CONS: Blogger. A penchant for violence and petty theft. Drinks.