Crimson and Crean is the word, according to the Indianapolis Star. Puzzling choice, we thought. We wondered why Indiana would hire one of the most famed Antarctic explorers in history to coach their basketball team. Fortunately, we were able to catch up to Crean a year from now (Google Custom Time), and he was gracious enough to share his journals with us. Of course, they're in a thick Irish brogue, so they're completely unreadable. We did our best to translate them for you (we care at BHGP, after all), so please, read along and enjoy.
The new captain and his freshman class
MAY 1, 2008
I have been selected to travel south once again. It is dark country there. During the winter, it is Knight time, always. It is pervasive and unyielding, capable of crushing all but the strongest of men. Captain Sampson before me went crazy and veered off, looking for shortcuts. We will likely never see him again. Young Dakich barely got the team back alive--to him we likely owe many lives.
JUNE 22, 2008
It is important that I select the best sled and the best men to go with me. Dakich is a good man, but one terrified by the journey. No, I should revise that statement--goaded into terror by his own failures at the journey. One can hardly blame him! I shall do him the great favor of leaving him at home.
SEPTEMBER 9, 2008
Training for the journey has begun. Good heavens, what have I been left with? For the multitudinous stories of Team Indiana and their worthiness to brave a harsh winter, these young pups seem hardly qualified to pull a child in a red wagon down Main Street in an Independence Day parade! I'm told that the four best of them cannot make the trip next year--Eric, DJ, Jamarcus, they call them. Oh, and a Bassett named Armon. Bassett hounds haven't got a place in my team anyhow! Outrageous!
OCTOBER 29, 2008
We are not ready for this journey, but we are obligated to begin anyway. The schedule is non-negotiable, I'm told, and the Indiana people will not tolerate anything but a crazed run for the farthest reaches of the earth. One wonders why it is of such importance to them, but not long--self-doubt is the most ruthless of killers out here.
NOVEMBER 11, 2008
We passed Sampson's frozen body. I said a silent prayer. My team, limited as they may be in mental capacity, could sense the gravity of the situation and fell still as well. I wonder if they recognized him. In his hand he clutched a phone. What folly, in his singular moment of mortal weakness, to think there could be someone on the other end of the phone who could help him! I covered his face with a spare cloth and we trudged on, somber and determined.
NOVEMBER 15, 2008
One of my assistants joked that it was ironic that somebody named "Kelvin" would have a body temperature of Absolute Zero. It feels good to laugh again.
DECEMBER 21, 2008
We haven't seen the sun in weeks, and we're told winter has only now just begun. Were we not a team, we'd all be long dead. We may end up so anyway. I've been part of many expeditions before, and as near as I can tell, we're not where we need to be yet. I fear we're not even close.
JANUARY 28, 2009
I don't know how to phrase this like an explorer but Purdue just beat us by like 30.
FEBRUARY 18, 2009
I fear we may be nearing the end of our line. We are not capable of driving forward late through this month and the next.
MARCH 15, 2009
Everyone is anxious to begin going home, and I do not blame them. There is a delirium that we Antarctic explorers know as the weather begins to turn and we attack the most hostile lands on earth. It is a completely imagined, manufactured euphoria that threatens your life and livelihood, yet the experience is unimaginably exhilirating. We have taken to calling it March Madness. This team is not ready for it yet, but I hope I can prepare it soon. The natives expect nothing less.
APRIL 19, 2009
I'm told they have hung me in effigy in the Hall of Assembly after our bitter failure this year. Ungrateful swine!
MAY 31, 2009
Who is "Isiah Thomas" and why has he offered to join me? He tells me he was in charge of the New York Professional Operations! He almost seems overqualified.
JUNE 1, 2009
I may have made a large mistake.
JUNE 1, 2009
Tell my wife and ki
JUNE 2, 2009
CAPTAIN THOMAS IN THE HIZZZOOOOUUUUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LETS GET THIS PARTY ROLLING, I HAVE A GREAT IDEA. ALCOHOL FOR THE SLED DOGS, MAYBE I WILL TEACH THEM A NEW WORD, "SUNT"
We're happy to report that the Hawkeye basketball team will be one stronger next season, as the Hawkeyes picked up a commitment from juco shooting guard Devan Bawinkel. I guess that's his real name, even though he clearly and obviously lifted it from Saturday morning cartoons. What's next? Steve Moosansquirrel? Anyhoo, Bawinkel was originally a John Beilein recruit at WFVU and played nine minutes a game as a true freshman, but fled Morgantown after a giant brick of gold usurped power. After a year at Highland Community College (school motto: "There can be only One"), he chose Iowa after longtime friend and Butler sophomore Willie Veasley told him he'd be a good fit in Lickliter's offense. Is that even legal? Who cares!
Bawinkel is tall (6'5"), scored over 14 points a game at Highland, and was named the conference MVP, which is all very, very good. Further, his junior status will help balance the scholarships by class more than adding another freshman would; Iowa now has four committed/signed freshmen, while the only players that will be juniors next season are Dan Bohall and David Palmer, neither of whom are likely to be on scholarship next season.
Here, then, is an absurdly early look at the depth chart for next season. Note that the 2 and 3 spots are virtually identical, both in the types of players on them and in the way they're used in Lickliter's offense. Gatens is, of course, not actually "more of a forward than a guard," but he's more of a forward than Kelly is.
Obviously, the Hawks are in dire need of help on the inside, and that's even considering the best-case scenario in which Jarryd Cole is able to play a full season on a surgically repaired knee. Talk continues about adding another big body from the juco ranks before next season (Sioux City Heelan commit and Casey McMillan doppelgangerBrennan Cougill won't be around until 2009-10). Who that extra body might be, of course, we don't know, and there aren't many promising leads on the recruiting sites. Then again, it's not as if big men are nearly as much a part of Lickliter's offense as athletic wing players are, and Iowa's got a fuckton of those now. It's far, far too early to speculate about redshirting, except that Gatens won't, but we probably won't see much of Tucker in '08-'09, and Fuller may or may not be an immediate contributor. Still, it's all better than using a scholarship on Dan Bohall.
You might want to turn the volume off for this one... worth it for a Doug Thomas slam dunk, though.
Don't miss their game on March 19th, it's Jeff Horner bobblehead giveaway night! I'm not kidding.
I need to check Jeff's blog more often, though it sucks that there really isn't a permalink to it on the Scout.com page.
http://iowa.scout.com/2/732908.html
"We want to go out there and prove to everyone how good we are," Iowa junior Kristi Smith said. "We were focused on getting the ring, or the bling as we call it. We want to get another bling for our other hand."
Ballin' out of control, baby. With their win this afternoon, the Hawks are just two steps away from cutting down more nets--the winner of the Purdue-Indiana hatefest* will face Iowa tomorrow afternoon.
Until then, we admire the ladies' singular drive and determination. With that admiration must come a warning, though; the last Hawkeyes with that mindset just so happen to be CBI, and as HS informed us early this morning, that did not end well. Let them be an example, Hawkeyes. Know now what they didn't know then. And don't leave your weed on your desk when the cops come.
*is that even a rivalry? I never really hear about the animosity between those two teams, even though it seems like there totally should be some. Maybe it's because nobody cares about Indiana football.
Sure, laugh at the title all you want. Northwestern, cakewalk, yeah yeah. Consider this: only once since 1998-1999 has Iowa beaten the Wildcats in football, then twice during the regular season in basketball. Those fuckers are scrappy.
Indeed, Iowa had lost their last three trips to Evanston, all at the last second. And after racing out to 18-4 and 28-11, a fourth close contest seemed unlikely. But woe upon those expecting a laugher; this is still Iowa basketball. You see, the 28-11 lead was before Iowa's trademark first half cold snap, and before long, Northwestern had climbed back to within 4.
The second half was more of the same. Iowa kept shooting well, but they couldn't shake the Cats. Even when they had extended the lead back to 56-43 with 5:47 to go, even the NU crowd of dozens knew the game wasn't over, because well, it's just Iowa.
And sure enough, just two minutes later, Northwestern had climbed back to within one point with a 12-0 run. In that span, Iowa took just one shot: a missed three-pointer by JJ. The Hawkeyes at least had the decency to misfire on five different shots during Northwestern's 13-0 first half run.
All in all, it closely resembled the Northwestern State game(link goes to youtube, if you've got a strong stomach and/or are heavily masochistic) for about 39 minutes: Iowa clearly outplays those fuckers in purple for the majority of each half, only to see them claw back into it. But while Iowa faltered from the line in 2006, Big Boy FLIPPED THE FUCKING SCRIPT on 'em like it was nothing. The Gornstar, who hadn't scored all game long (hard to do so on 0-1 shooting, after all), collected rebounds on all three missed shots of the last minute, and hit all four free throws to seal a 67-62 Iowa win.
Something else to note: before last night, Iowa had not beaten an opponent all season who scored more than 60 points.Go on, check. Iowa's total now stands at one, leaving Oregon State as the only major conference team not to achieve such a pedestrian accomplishment.
So with that, the regular season is over. Iowa went 12-18 (6-12). Bad, right? Bad like a fox! This is Marchifuckingfornication, and this season's just fucking beginning. All that stands in the way of the NCAA championship is 10 wins (11 if the tournament committee forces Iowa into the play-in game, which seems kinda fair). Step one is either Michigan or Illinois, next Thursday. Let's go, Hawks. The world's ready for an 18-loss champion.
UNRELATED NOTE: Wallace Franklin, Iowa State receiver, arrested for violence-based idiocy. Oh, Cyclones, you are such adorable little brothers. Please repeat this 10 times then come check back with us. By then, one of our guys (early favorite: Rafael Eubanks) will have been arrested for making terroristic threats against the sun. Scuffling with a cop? Child's play, Cy. We go big.
No, this isn't about an ill-advised promotion that brings the geriatrics to the singles' bar; it's the last night at Carver for Justin Johnson, Kurt Looby, and Big Boy. They face a 11-17 (3-12) Illinois team, and it may be Iowa's last opportunity for a W this season. It hasn't started well: Tony Freeman is clearly throwing the game, and Illinois is gaining confidence in their dribble penetration game. It's 20-14 midway through the first half.
If you've never read a liveblog here, now's the time to start. We're watching, we're talking, and we're not wearing pants. Join us!
It's time for VENGEANCE. No, not you assclowns. Go away.
Iowa visits East Lansing today, a place where the Hawkeyes haven't won since 1993. Fa real. The Spartans have all sorts of reasons why they should win, namely:
They're far better than Iowa at basketball;
Izzo stands to win his 300th game today;
cold, brutal revenge.
This won't be close, and we're perfectly aware of that, thank you. We just hope Iowa can keep the deficit to double digits. Be sure to keep your browsers pointed right hyeah as we suffer in the best way possible: together.
So, uh... last night. That was interesting. A 53-51 squeaker over the worst major-conference team of the decade. Yep.
Now, we had no doubt that Iowa would pull this one out, even as they trailed 36-22. [liar.--ed.] We had faith. [do you want me to pull up the text messages?--ed.] No. [okay then.--ed.] So we doubted that Iowa could come back. They were shooting about 22% from the field at the time and getting killed on the boards. By Northwestern. They needed a hero.
And a Bohall would lead them.
Improbably, your two heroes of the second half were my adopted son, Cyrus Tate [does he know about this adoption thing?--ed.] Christ no. [it's better that way.--ed.], and Dan "The Man" Bohall. Tate scored 15 second-half points, and the Danimal--not Seth Gorney or Justin Johnson--was on the floor during the last 13 minutes of game play. Sure, Bohall only had five points, but his defense was a welcomed respite from Johnson's total uselessness. Plus, the way Iowa plays, five Iowa points is like 17 regular points.
So we can exhale, knowing that we don't have to talk about things like "has Iowa ever lost to a worse BXI team ever ever?" or "Is it legal to put Justin Johnson into a giant cannon and shoot him into the Oort Cloud?" Next game's on Saturday, when Iowa travels to East Lansing to talk about MSU's loss at Carver. That, uh, ought to be interesting.
Iowa (11-15, 4-9 Big Ten) has lost three consecutive games using mostly a seven-player rotation. Some wonder if the lack of depth has started to take a toll on the players.
If you had one guess as to which local columnist may have unloaded such Haterade in light of Iowa's upcoming tilt against the comically incompetent Northwestern Wildcats, who would it be? Would it be Pat Harty? Of course it would. And it is.
There is, of course, nothing quite factually inaccurate about his stories; that'd be grounds for dismissal. Rather, his prose reminds us of Fox News reporting: so blatantly slanted that there must be an agenda behind it. Even Slapdick Skip Bayless isn't this firmly mired in bullshit.
You know what? Railing against Pat Harty feels like a job I don't even like anymore. It'a obvious and easy and repetitive. The guy's the exact opposite of a homer. His favorite team is whoever plays the Hawkeyes. He gets an erection whenever Jeff Peterson turns the ball over (which is a lot). Fuck Pat Harty.
We didn't want to do this, but in the face of such breathtaking hateration, we have no choice. Buckle up, folks; it's a Pat Harty Avalanche.
With the hullabaloo around Barry Bonds's positive steroids test in 2001 and Roger Clemens' bewildering testimony in Congress, it's time to tip a cap to the original performance enhancer: beer! Yes, I'm OPS, and I'm drinking my way to brilliance, because fuck it, it's a Thursday night. I'll be guiding you kids through Iowa's home tilt against a weak, sad, sorry Michigan team. It's on ESPN, so you can all watch along instead of taking our word for it (or worse, Dolph's).
Be sure to comment along with us as Iowa endeavors to keep Michigan in the cellar with the corpse that was Northwestern basketball.
Sure, Iowa's 4-8, and we've conditioned ourselves to believe that's not so bad. And it isn't. As late as the turn of the year, there was a legitimate discussion about which of the Iowa/Michigan/Northwestern triumvirate was the worst (turns out it's NU. by a lot). So we're exceeding expectations, and that's neato!
But 4-8 isn't much as record books go. It's not even close to .500. So would you be interested in seeing that conference mark improve? Yes? You would?
Good, because Iowa is going to finish the regular season with the conference's most ludicrous stretch of the year. Sure, there's no way to empirically prove a statement like that, but just look at the last six games of the slate:
(170) Michigan at (144) Iowa (206) Northwestern at (144) Iowa (144) Iowa at (13) Michigan St.
(144) Iowa at (155) Penn St.
(125) Illinois at (144) Iowa (144) Iowa at (206) Northwestern
You haven't won a BXI game this year? Reeeeallly?
The parenthetical numbers are RPI. Perfect indicator of future performance? No, but nothing is. By that standard, could Iowa win 5 of the last 6 games of the conference season? Quite possibly. Will Iowa win 5 of the last 6 games of the conference season? Unfuckinglikely. I mean, yes, we're totally killing Northwestern and Michigan. Those guys ought to be relegated. But it's still Iowa, a 7-man team working through a shell of an offense and trying to survive on fumes until the end of the season. The Illinois game, even though it's senior day for JJ and the New Gornographer, doesn't stack up very well in Iowa's favor.
Then there's the trip to Penn State; yes, PSU is dogshit terrible, but conference road games are tricky endeavors, especially coming off what promises to be a most lopsided, brutal affair in East Lansing. Suppose Iowa starts off cold, misses their first nine shots, Peterson's in foul trouble and the crowd of dozens gets into the game... you never know...
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXHIBITION! AN EXHIBITION!!
In light of the recent metric fuckton of snow that has come down on Iowa City, the University of Iowa has cancelled class for the day. And to be sure, driving is a dangerous proposition right now. We wouldn't want to unnecessarily endanger the students, right? Right.
Well, there's also a basketball game tonight at Carver-Hawkeye between Iowa and Wisconsin. Naturally, the UI has similarly discouraged trav--oh you cannot possibly be serious:
The snowstorm currently hitting Iowa City has prompted the University of Iowa to offer some cheap deals for tonight's men's basketball game against nationally ranked Wisconsin.
All public tickets for the 8 p.m. game will be sold at the discounted price of $15, and all University of Iowa students who show their UI ID at the door will be admitted free of charge.
That's what I'm talking about. Fuck a lecture, you got a basketball game to be going to. This can only end well.
All in all, it closely resembled the 
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