I personally witnessed [made up in my head] the following exchange.

Santa: So boy what do you want for Christmas?

Depressed Hawkeye Fan: I don't know there are so many things.  How about a New Year's Day Bowl.

Santa: Well that seems reasonable, let me see here. Hummm. Iowa... Hawkeyes... Yes, I see them here.  Boy, I'm not miracle worker here.

DHF: Ok, sorry.  How about an offense more predictable than a bowel movement 20 minutes after Chipotle?

Santa: Now you're talking son, that I can handle.  I mean, heck, even ole sweater vest opens it up from time to time. Wait... Boy, did you know Ken O'Keefe is stilling calls there in Iowa City?

DHF: Yes sir, sorry.

Santa: Boy, stop wasting my time.

DHF: Ok, how about a defense where linebackers, not named Greenway, don't cover slot receivers?

Santa: Boy, you are trying my patience.

DHF: Wait, I know it.  All I want in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD is our number one returning freshman wide receiver to return next year.

Santa: That's it your out of here!

DHF: But Saaaaannnnnnttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa