Not much time to spare at BHGP Industries, so let's crank through these quicklike.
ITEM! GoldPantsPal storminspank has filled out a bracket with the help of a Triscuit box. We applaud this maneuver, and anyone else who wants to try something similar is encouraged to share the results with us. We were about to take great umbrage with his plainly evident hatred of the Drake Bulldogs, but upon further consideration, this is clearly the work of Nabisco. Is a MANCOTT of Kraft Foods brewing in the Des Moines metro area? Should one?? (yes)
ITEM! The Iowa women, thankfully, have been spared the hate-filled discrimination from the NCAA, Outback Steakhouse, and the city of Tampa. The Hawkeyes were named to the NCAA Women's Tournament yesterday, receiving a 9 seed. They face Georgia tomorrow, and in all likelihood North Carolina should they advance. The game's at 1 PM on Sunday afternoon in Norfolk, VA. Round-trip airfare out of Chicago leaving Friday and returning Wednesday (because come on, Georgia's going down) are... let's see... Jesus, $477? Okay, um, I'm sure it'll be on TV somewhere.
ITEM! Fans of My Morning Jacket, rejoice: Their entire 2-hour set from SXSW is available for listening on NPR, including eight new songs from their upcoming June release, Evil Urges.The review is here, and a link to listen to the entire show, commercial free (except for a 12-second, boilerplate public radio message) is near the top of the article. If you do not, in fact, like My Morning Jacket, then meet at the Pentacrest at noon for a duel with pistols. Wait, that's pretty close. Can we make it 1? I haven't eaten yet.
ITEM! Our toughest first-round matchup in the NCAA tournament is, without a doubt, Drake vs. Western Kentucky. It's Adam Emmenecker vs. Kige Ramsey, people! How can you choose? Drake is, for obvious reasons, near and dear to BHGP's hearts, but so is the Kiger Tiger. Who can forget Kige's romantic tryst with Big Red or his revolutionary vision of 21st century dermatology? We're heartbroken. For what it's worth, Kige says Drake is a "good matchup" for Western, then follows it up with his most incisive analysis to date.
ITEM! Elton John couldn't make it here, but we found someone better!
ITEM! If you haven't done so already, join the BHGP Tourney Pick'Em group on Yahoo. Just click here, enter in League #5862 and password gornstar, and you're all set. Our new leader for best team name is "Skinner Dunks On Hoiberg," which would never even happen on NBA Jam: Tournament Edition.
ITEM! Six players were suspended indefinitely from the women's softball team, and another was dismissed from the team after "violating team rules." Only one of the seven disciplined athletes was involved in any legal problems--she got a PAULA--and she was only suspended. We're then left to our own devices to speculate as to why multiple female athletes are in trouble, and we'll always go back to hot alcohol-fueled skinpartieshazing, horrible hazing.
ITEM! Another PR disaster for Tampa. As you're probably well aware, Drake was designated a 5 seed in the NCAA tournament. They're in the East regional, and their pod puts them in Tampa, Florida. Oh, them. The city of Tampa is getting more brazen in their affronts to the proud Iowa Hawkeyes, and no true fan should allow this to go unnoticed. Drake, a team that hasn't even been to the tournament in over 30 years, is all of a sudden better than Big Ten powerhouse and oh what a coincidence bitter state rival Iowa? I doubt it!
FIGHT THE POWER
Obviously, the NIT and CBI are in the NCAA's pocket, as neither of the secondary postseason tourneys saw fit to invite Iowa, despite the fact that Iowa is in the Big Ten and almost all the schools they invited aren't.
Why does the city of Tampa have such a destructive bias against the Iowa Hawkeyes? What money did they have to give to the NCAA to facilitate such barbaric practices? Where are my pants? These questions must be answered. Otherwise, it's no surprise that the Outback Steakhouse is the face of this Hitler-like suppression. Their motto describes the NCAA's mindset perfectly: No Rules, Just White Right. Shame on you all! The MANCOTT lives!
ITEM! Pro sports content follows, so snobs may need to hold noses. Sunday's Nuggets-Sonics game was nothing short of absurd, the antithesis of Iowa basketball in every imaginable fashion. The final score was 168-116, which completely broke the game flow graph. By way of comparison, Iowa-Michigan State, circa 1/12/08, was a bit different.
Ludicrous points! One more 3 and they'd have gone plaid.
Marcus Camby registered a triple-double in 27 minutes, and he was the seventh-leading scorer. Among his accomplishments was 15 rebounds, all on the defensive glass. For the first half, his defensive rebound percentage was well over 50%. That doesn't mean he got over half of his team's rebounds--he got the rebound on over half of Seattle's missed shots. In fact, the percentage would have been higher, but he blocked two shots that went to his friends. That, friends? Is ridiculous.
ITEM! Yes it's no longer timely, yes you've already seen it, no I do not give a fuck, this was awesome.
This is all in a day's work for the young man. Has your girlfriend, wife, mother or daughter over the age of 18 ever been in a room with Blake Hoffarber? They're already pregnant. Four hundred babies.
EDSBS mastermind Orson Swindle gets email. His most recent check of the ol' email inbox included this:
Hi EDSBS,
I do blogger/online outreach for Outback Steakhouse and wanted to give you the chance to visit the restaurant and join the 20th birthday celebration of the Bloomin’ Onion. Would you be interested in a gift card to use with friends and family? Use the gift card to take advantage of the full bar and watch a game in a great sports environment with good food.
Please let me know if you’re interested.
Naturally, I checked my email inbox, looking for my own Bloomin' Onion gift card. I found nothing. Nada. Zilch. Well, you know what, Outback blogger outreach program?
The Mancott is back! You snubbed us for your bowl game. You didn't answer our various emails of protest. You forgot to bring that second loaf of your scrumptious bread to my table. And now, you don't even give us the free Bloomin' Onion we so deserve.
You've walked into a buzzsaw, Outback Steakhouse. In February, we might have let it slide, but it's now Marchifornication. You will pay for your crimes.
By the power vested in me by nobody in particular, I declare the Mancott resumes! We will not stop until your restaurants lie in ruins and the tears of your former employees flavor our pineapple-chipotle margaritas.
Well, that or a free Bloomin' Onion. It's 20 years old, after all.
We at BHGP would like to believe that we're smart men, that naivété would never cloud our judgment on serious matters. We take our jobs seriously, and we hope that you take us seriously as well.
This exposé, then, is more of an apology than anything else; we should have figured this insidious conspiracy sooner. Certainly, while we'd like to believe that college football is a perfectly fair and perfectly managed system, we do know better. Corruption exists. We've accepted that.
But never, never have we seen such a blatant abuse of power and privilege like what's taking place in Tampa.
Allow me to explain.
Back in 2003, Iowa earned their first invitation to the Outback Bowl. The plucky Hawkeyes were matched against the Florida Gators, local heroes. The Gators were heavy favorites, and they were eager for another shot at glory; Michigan had beaten them 38-30 in 2002's Outback.
Iowa, of course, manhandled the Gators; the final score of 37-17 barely reflected the level of humiliation Iowa inflicted upon Florida. Iowa would finish the season in the Top 10, and Florida moved one step closer to firing Ron Zook.
In 2005, with Iowa's fortunes waning, the Outback Bowl decided to bring Iowa back for a rematch with Florida. Once there, the Hawkeyes were repeatedly stricken with poor officiating, much of which impacted the direction of the game. It was no surprise that Florida was up 31-7 in the fourth quarter. It was no surprise that Florida was allowed to have twelve men on the field at the snap. And when Iowa had recovered an onside kick that would have put them in a position to tie the game, it was no surprise that the officials invented a reason to throw the flag and negate the play. Iowa had to lose. Iowa had to pay.
Fast-forward to 2007. The Outback Bowl has 10 teams in the Big Ten with at least six wins, the benchmark for bowl eligibility. Ohio State, of course, is off the table for BCS purposes, but nobody else is. The Outback, without any regard for the process of bowl selections, decided that their Big Ten #3 pick was more important than the Capital One Bowl's #2 pick. Somehow, the conference let this slide.
Unfortunately, that team was the Iowa Hawkeyes. And the Outback Bowl board, addicted to tormenting the Hawkeyes like so many crack-addled prostitutes in strained fishnets, pounced on the opportunity to deny the black and gold.
A snub. The ultimate indignity. And for whom? Wisconsin? A team that had to resort to giving Tony Moeaki and Andy Brodell season-ending injuries in order to outscore Iowa? The message is loud and clear from Tampa: The hell with ethics. The hell with integrity.
The hell with Iowa.
We applaud the UI's response, which was to stay home altogether. It's far more civil than what we'd choose, but then again Gary Barta didn't get as far as he's come by unleashing a flurry of expletives during a press conference.
And that is why we will be staying home on January 1. Brothers in solidarity! Gary Barta, you are our Lech Walesa.
The mancott is real, Outback Bowl. It will be until you end the charade. Either publicly announce your fealty to the Florida Gators, or cast them aside as you welcome Iowa to the Outback Bowl. Or continue your pattern of silence and lies. Doing so only guarantees your economic suicide via mancott.
BCS Super Fun Tortilla Chips Are A Big Deal Folks Title Game
LSU (11-2) vs. Ohio State (11-1)
It's probably fitting that the title game will be played by the two teams that spent the most time at #1 this season. Less fitting, of course, is the fact that neither was in line to play for the title three days ago, but whatever. LSU has been a joy to watch this season; after five veritable pistol-whippings to begin the season, their next four games were all absolute A-1 gems, some of the best of what was the most watchable college football season in a long, long time. It's hard to pick a favorite of the four; is it the 28-24 victory over Florida where LSU went 5-5 on 4th down conversions? What about the 41-34 win at Alabama where John Parker Wilson's heart was ripped out and urinated upon? Or this balls-of-steel, 22-yard TD pass with one second left that beat Auburn 30-24?
LSU has made for simply awesome television this season, and while that may be a non sequitur as far as their championship worthiness is concerned, it makes me happy that they're in over, let's say, Kansas. Or Wisconsin.
BCS Rose/Orange/Who Cares It's A Shitload Of Money Bowl
Illinois (9-3) vs. USC (10-2)
The Zooker's going to Pasadena. I repeat: The Zooker is going to Pasadena. Forget, if you will, that Illinois had won just two BXI games over the past four years or that Juice Williams is so woefully incapable of throwing the ball and spent half the season getting benched in the fourth quarter so a true freshman could play QB. The Zooker is going to Pasadena. What concerns us most is that he'll like what he encounters over there so much that we don't know what lengths he'll go to in order to stay. We're not making any accusations, but the odds that The Zooker spikes Pete Carroll's conditioner with strychnine and tries to take over the Trojans are about 75%.
Capital One Bowl Sponsored By Capital One What Is In Your Wallet Capital One Capital One Ignore Our Interest Rates Please
Michigan (8-4) vs. Florida (9-3)
Lloyd Carr's career will close as it usually was: technically good, but more disappointing than anything else. They backed into the Cap One after Wisconsin, who was so tired of going to Orlando twice in a row (OMG), cruelly and selfishly snatched the Outback Bowl away from Iowa. Was there money involved? Hookers? Dead ones? Maybe. That's all we're saying.
Of course, few violins will play for Michigan Fan, who is still going to the best non-BCS bowl in the conference. No, our lament will be reserved for January 2, when Brian's UFR of the second half just consists of "TACKLE HIM" over and over. Either that or he'll just name the place MGoTebow.
That, I'd like to see.
Outback Steakhouse Bowl, What Is In Your Wallet A PR DISASTER FOR TAMPA
Wisconsin (9-3) vs. Tennessee (9-4)
The PR disaster continues for Tampa, as they are looking at economic losses in the millions (if not billions) as Iowa fans proudly stay home on January 1. What could have been a stirring matchup of plucky Iowa (6-6) and the Vawls is instead a bastard shell of a competition that we hope the Badgers lose by 80. Oh, and word to the Tampa-St. Pete metro area: You see where we keep saying "PR disaster for Tampa"? It's also the tag we're using. That's Web 2.0, baby. That's internet jeet kune do! It used to be there were no web results for that phrase. Now: 3.BOOYA.
On New Year's Day, Hawkeye fans, we are all Volunteers. Start memorizing Rocky Top now.
Alamo Bowl, Which Is Ironic, Since These Games Are Forgettable As Hell
Penn State (8-4) vs. Texas A&M (6-6)
Beware, Paterno. You've seen some stuff in your day, but the Aggies are crazy. Not crazy in a good or bad way, but in a unique way.
That is exactly what it looks like. They do it on purpose. They--well, they actually believe doing so has a purpose.
You're not dealing with mankind here, Mr. Paterno. It's something far different. Something far worse. Something far more... inbred.
The A&M version of Humanity Advanced
Trust me--you don't want to face 20,000 of those after you put a final humiliating nail into their 2007 coff--Oh, who the hell am I kidding? You're a brains-starved mangoblin whose heart hasn't beaten since 1987. You'll be fine, JoePa.
Champs Sports--Or More Accurately Sixth Place Finishers Sports--Bowl
Michigan State (7-5) vs. Boston College (9-3)
Part of me is happy that Iowa's not facing Boston College, who--let's be clear--would absolutely murder the Hawkeyes. But nonetheless, Iowa had 38 freshmen hit the field this season and about seven seniors. Or 10. Whatever, it wasn't much. The injuries were brutal, the receivers were ridiculously underqualified, Jake was too, and still all they had to do was beat Western Michigan and they'd be in Orlando for the holiday. As endings go, it's something that belongs in a Rob Zombie movie: heartless, brutal, and completely bereft of joy. Sort of like what BC's going to do to Sparty.
We Cannot Figure Out A More Boring Title Than Insight Bowl
Indiana (7-5) vs. Oklahoma State (6-6)
That's why I don't watch the Insight Bowl! Because it's garbage! And the graphic designer who let the logo come out is garbage! Come after me! I'm a man! I'm 40!* That's all I got to say. Makes me want to puke.
Motor City Eight Mile Bowl
Purdue (7-5) vs. Central Michigan (9-4)
And Purdue, by virtue of their winning record, will be visiting the Motor City Bowl, making this the only bowl I predicted correctly last week. I blame society. As for the game itself, I have nothing to say about it, so here's Joe Tiller eating the Heisman Trophy:
In his defense, he thought it was filled with chocolate.
So Iowa, thanks to the no-good Outback Bowl, is left out in the dark, which means your intrepid reporters make-shit-up-ers have four fewer weeks of things to talk about. We'll get by, of course; I'm working on more Photoshops of coaches putting shiny things in their mouths as if they were 14 months old, Jebus is penning angry missives to Lickliter for benching Gorney, and Hawkeye State is halfway through some incredible fan-fiction involving himself and the 1986 Chicago Bears. The sex is graphic, but not inappropriately so; what's more, it all appears to be consensual thus far. So keep your eyes out for that.
Do you think we're joking, Outback Bowl? Hawkeye Nation doesn't joke. Ever. When Matt Roth said "Three words: Iowa Hawkeyes" on SportsCenter, we petitioned the President of Numbers to make that an accurate statement. Turns out there isn't even a Department of Numbers! I mean, what the hell, here I thought numbers were important because they're in math!
But I digress.
We've heard nothing but silence from the Outback Bowl and the Tampa Bay Convention and Visitors Bureau in the wake of yesterday's earth-shattering announcement. Frankly, we're not surprised. BHGP staff again tried to contact the local Outback Steakhouse for comment, and the representative threatened to "get [her] manager." Nice, Outback. Very classy. We then asked if they had Prince Albert in a can, upon which they hung up on us.
They can pretend that they don't hear us. They can pretend our sanctions won't cripple the economy of the Tampa-St. Petersburg metropolitan area. They can act as if they can resist our demands to put Iowa in the Outback Bowl. They'll have no choice when we amp this thing up to a MAN-COTT.
So, Hawkeye Nation, not only should you stay away from Tampa on January 1, but it's time to take the fight to Outback Steakhouse as well. Or more accurately, take it from them. That's right. It's time to expand the January 1 man-cott to the overpriced, faux-Australian restauranteurs. Who are stupid. So on New Year's Day, stay home. Don't eat their "blooming onions*." Don't eat steaks that have been needlessly sullied with bleu cheese. And definitely don't eat desserts that were named after Joe Tiller-level gastrointestinal hell (we're looking at you, Chocolate Thunder From Down Under).
You can end the onslaught, Outback Bowl. Do what's right. Rescind the invitation to Wisconsin and honor the Hawkeyes. Otherwise, we will not back down.
*They aren't even really in bloom. They're just fried. Fuckin' liars.
Outrageous news from Tampa, as the Outback Bowl has selected the 9-3 Wisconsin Badgers to represent the Big Ten on January 1. The Badgers are the first Big Ten team to accept a bowl bid; Ohio State and Illinois are still waiting on other games and hoping to upgrade their bids.
Even more shocking is this quote from Jim McVay, president and CEO of the Outback Bowl:
"Everything about Wisconsin says 'New Year's Day bowl game.' Whenever we have a shot, we take them."
No, everything about Wisconsin says "goofy-talking white people with a hard-on for Schlitz and Brett Favre."
Of course, no team has as legitimate gripe about the selection as Iowa. The Hawkeyes are "technically bowl-eligible" with six wins, which ought to lock them into a January bowl. Wisconsin fans may take the easy route and point to rules that stipulate that a team may not accept a bowl bid if another in the conference has at least two more wins. And yes, Wisconsin is, at first glance, three games ahead of the Hawkeyes. But that's crap!
We wish it wouldn't have to come to this, but we at BHGP are going to make our wallets do the talking. We're organizing a boycott. That's right. We're calling on Hawkeye Nation to stay away from Tampa on January 1. We're not buying a single hotel room. We're not buying a single flight. We're not buying a single ticket to the game. If you thought we Iowa fans were impressive when we travel by the tens of thousands to bowl games, watch what power we wield when we stay home.
When BHGP staff phoned the local Outback Steakhouse for comment, a representative demanded that we "cool it with the prank calls."
COLLEGE BLOGS
COLLEGE BLOGS