I'm drunk, I'm landscaping, and all I can think about is picking winners. Call your accountant, we're going perfect this week.

[winners in bold.--ed]

Oklahoma @ Iowa State (+30)

This isn't so much a vote of confidence in OU so much as an indictment of the Cyclones. There aren't a lot of sure things in college football this year. If you find one, ride it til the wheels come off. Iowa State is a sure thing. Their performance against Texas last week was reminiscent of the Jim Criner years. Horrible, horrible, horrible, and Oklahoma is better and nastier than the Longhorns. OU will roll.

Auburn @ LSU (-10.5)

LSU has a great defense and a good running game, but Matt Flynn cannot throw the ball. He's like a Bayou version of Juice Williams. I don't know that Auburn's aerial attack is much better, on account of having Brandon Cox at the helm. What I do know is, Auburn has the best D-Line I've seen this year and after what they did to McFadden and Jones (held them to a combined 86 yards) I'm convinced they could stop the Tasmanian Devil. LSU might win, but they won't cover. Take Auburn.

Michigan @ Illinois (+2.5)

Michigan is not the same team they were when you saw them last. They've replaced guys on D and the offense is looking more Michigany than it did early this season. At press time, I'm not sure if Hart is playing (again, he spends a lot of time on the sidelines grimacing and riding bikes if you ask me, no Heisman winner should ride a bike during a game) but I'm quite familiar with a backup coming in for the Wolverines and running for 200 yards (see: Wheatley, Tyrone). I am sure that the ZookHook is coaching and based on his presence alone Michigan can cover the 2.5 points. Pick Michigan here.

Oregon @ Washington (+11.5)

This game will make you nervous. You'll see the score at the half and start cursing my name. Calm down, degenerate. What you need to realise is, Ty Willingham refuses to make adjustments during the half. Oregon is far too talented to be stopped with the same scheme for four (4) quarters. Oregon will drop 50 on the Huskies. Take the Ducks.

OK, I'm drunk with confidence (and bourbon) here, time for a lightning round of NFL picks:

Baltimore @ Buffalo (+3.5)

Doesn't matter if it's Losman or Edwards here, the Ravens D will outscore the Bills on their own. This is a ridiculous line and needs to be taken advantage of. Take the Ravens (no, I won't make a Poe joke, what am I, Hank Goldberg?).

San Francisco @ NY Giants (-10.5)

Trent Dilfer. Take the Giants.

New England @ Miami (+17.5)

Not enough points to scare me away. The Pats have covered 111 times in a row. New England will drop a cool fitty (50) on the Fins.

Atlanta @ New Orleans (-7.5)

Leftwich? Really? I mean, you know you have a shitty team when Joey Harrington is the lone bright spot. Petrino seems to have found a way to piss off even Warrick Dunn. Amazing. The Saints will score 30+ here. Go there.

Arizona @ Washington (-7.5)

I took Arizona last week to cover and was rewarded with seeing Kurt Warner have his elbow twisted in a grisly fashion in a scrum. Tim Rattay is going this week against a surprisingly steady Redskins D. Jason Campbell isn't flashy, but he moves the ball and gets touchdowns. Take the Skins, please.

St. Louis @ Seattle (-9.5)

Seattle is not a good team. They got shutout at Pittsburgh and pistol whipped by the Saints last week. St. Louis is bad in their own right, but these two (2) teams always play close games and I don't think the Seahawks are 10 points better than anyone right now. Take the Rams and the 9.5 points*.

Pittsburgh @ Denver (+3.5)

Mike Shanahan is overrated, overpaid, and underfed. Everyone loves Jay Cutler, but me. Now he's without Javon Walker as well. Pittsburgh is coming off a bye and facing the worst run defense in the NFL. This is not a good sign for the Broncos. Take Pittsburgh, with confidence.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville (+3.5)

The boys are back. The boys are back in town again. If you give Tom Moore and Peyton Manning 2 weeks to prepare for a game, you can be sure they will score points. Jacksonville has won ugly several times this year but I don't see them getting a grip on the Colts. Too much Addai, Wayne, and Clark for the Jags. Take the Colts.

Back to the landscaping! Peace.

* One of my rules of gambling is to never take a bad team and pray that they can cover. In fact, you should never take a team that you don't think has a chance to win outright. However, I'm next morning drunk and feeling bold, so take the Rams anyway.

Z fadin out

I finally heard from the Zooker Monday afternoon. He was in quite a state.
The conversation:

3:43 PM

ZookHook: Greetings from theheartland!

3:44 PM

ZookHook: Nothin to be afraid of, Newsy, the Zooker aint in Iowa. You can come to tha door! I know ur duckin me. thizis seriusss!!1 WEE needta talk

Jebus: Hey, Z. Nice game on Saturday. You really did it right. Also, it's day time. On a Monday. What are you doing up?

ZookHook: GOTCHA!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!! ZOOKER iz soooooooo fuckkkked up! Weave been parteein sincee tha game!! That game wuz aweezome!! I knew we could do it! TEAM AMERICA! fUCK YEAH!

Jebus: You didn't "do it". You lost, Z. Iowa hadn't won a Big 10 game in a year. You really fucked up. People are pissed.

3:45 PM

ZookHook: I KNOWz it!! Im Free!! Free at LAST!! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Jebus: ...

ZookHook: Gotcha, didnt' I? Know who sed that, Big Boy? OJ SIMPSON! PUT THAT IN UR WEBBLOG!

Jebus: Um, that was actually Martin Luther King Jr., Z. It's from the "I Have A Dream" speech.

ZookHook: "It's from Ihaveadream! I'm Newsy! I read history! I know everything!!!"

ZookHook: know thiz, Big BOy! The Zookerz off da chain! I be robodroned sinz halftime on the game day an i havent seen mi pantz since SUDNAY!! Zookerz be smellin everythin!! I smelled more HEAdz than Freddie Mercury!! SO

ZookHook: SUCK

ZookHook: ON

ZookHook: THAT!!!1

3:46 PM

Jebus: Cool. I got work to do. Later.

ZookHook: AW COMEON! Don leaf mee hangin.! Zooker gotta question?

Jebus: Fine... 1.

ZookHook: howmany games you gotta win fer abowl game?

Jebus: 6.

ZookHook: How manyz wegot now?

Jebus: 5.

ZookHook: FUUUUUCKKKK!!! SO WE gotta lose the resta dem?> Can we d o taht?

Jebus: I don't know, Z. You have Ball St and Minnesota back to back. You finish with Northwestern at home. Tough call. I think you're going bowling. Just keep starting Juice and you might be able to do it.

ZookHook: FUkkk!! Zooker hate werkin in Desember! IT RUINZ me CHirstmas!@

3:47 PM

ZookHook: If i losee the resta thessse games... can i get fired? this year? Zookerz worrreed. Ineeda cupple yearz off. FUCK NEWSY!! UR killin mah buzz!!!!

Jebus: I don't think so. You have 2 years left on your deal.

ZookHook: DONT YEW TELL  THE ZOOKER  NO! MARK MY WORDSZ! I"m gettin fiyerd! WATCH MEE!!!!

ZookHook: WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! PINK SLIPZ ALL AROUND!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!

That was the conclusion of my chat with Ron Zook yesterday. Once he gets like that, I just shut down the pc and leave it off for awhile. The minute I logged into IM today, I was greeted with this:

ZookHook: FUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

Jebus: AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAA!!!!!

Jebus: "ZookHook: DONT YEW TELL  THE ZOOKER  NO! MARK MY WORDSZ! I"m gettin fiyerd! WATCH MEE!!!!"

Jebus: AAAAAHAHAHHAHAAA!!!!!

Leader. Teacher. Recruiter. Winner. Midget Tosser.

See you next year, Z.

I talked to a good friend this week and was shocked to hear that many people don't know the terminology and tricks of gambling. We may have an entire generation of sports fans  that don't gamble. I think that's a shame. Gambling is fun, and highly addictive, so I'm writing today's piece to introduce some of the newer people out there to the world of gambling. You don't have to be a degenerate, but I think it’s funny when you are. So, today, you'll not only be making some extra lettuce by reading this post, but you'll pick up some cool lingo and perhaps a crippling addiction. Also, in the interest of teaching, I'm picking more than 3 games and picking some NFL games as well. It's for science!

(read on, reader...)

I've been ignoring the Zooker. I'm busy and he's redundant, so that's the long and short of it. But in the early hours of Wednesday morning I got some troubling IMs from him and I'm actually a little worried. So, I'm wondering if Illini fan can comfirm his whereabouts?

The conversation:

3:43 AM

ZookHook: you therrr???

3:44 AM

ZookHook: The Zooker seas yer lite  I know ur in ducking me. thizis seriusss!!1

ZookHook: im soooooooo fuckkkked up!    Zooker is staaarvinG! FUCK!

3:46 AM

ZookHook: Lissne Newsy! I allreddy call i n sick  2morra and I sed I had diaareea rill baad so i'd be gon the next day 2. I needa place to laylow ferabit The heats about to come down on the RZ!!!!!

ZookHook: NEEEEEEWSYYYY!!!!!!!!! don do me like thiz!!!!!11
THE RZ IZ IN THE SHIT!!!! Thingss got outta hand iz all. you no how I do! callmecallmecallmeeeee

ZookHook: DUUUUUUDDDDDEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!1111

3:51 AM

ZookHook: FUCK!! SOME WONEZZ HERE!!!!! AYE M ON MY WAY BROSEPHUS!!!! LEMMe tell ya wha happen wheni get therrr!

ZookHook: Zookers in teh wind

[Editor's Note: JebusHChrist couldn't be here tonight, so filling in for him is his friend Poop Socks.]

Jebus couldn't make it so I'm pinch hitting. Maybe we can make you some money this week. The thing is, JHC picks NFL games like a motherfucker. He's been like 80% accurate for the past 3 years in our pool, but here, he picks college games. I don't know why. I guess he's a dumbass. I'm not a writer but I'm a gambler, so listen to this shit that I'm about to spit.
Oh yeah, he told me to pick 3 college games but I'm a man so I picked 6 NFL games. Put your money on the teams in bold.

Cleveland @ New England (-15.5)

Forget the spread. The Patriots have covered 38 times in a row. Also, they're playing Cleveland. As long as they keep winning, Moss will be fine. Ride these bitches til the wheels come off.

Jets @ Giants (-3.5)

Donovan McNabb is still sitting on a donut after getting plowed by OC Umenora [I know this isn't a spelling test, but jesus, Poop Socks, you couldn't look the name up? It's Osi Umenyiora.--ed.] all night long on Monday. I hope Pennington has protection because he's about to get fucked. Giants will roll and Jets fans will get their wish and have Pennington hurt and their backup in. Congratulations, Assholes.

Arizona @ St. Louis (+2.5)

Gus Frerotte.

Seattle @ Pittsburgh (-6.5)

Seattle gets tired when they have to fly East. This game won't be fixed, like the Super Bowl was, but it won't matter. Rothlisburger [Close, but it's Roethlisberger.--ed.] won't have to do much more than hand it to Parker and throw a couple TD's to Heath Miller. I see a shutout.

Chicago @ Green Bay (-3.5)

Don't ever, ever, ever, bet on Brett Favre. The guy is about as dependable as the Dodge Omni I had in high school. The Packers are not good. They can't run the ball for shit. I don't even know who their starting running back is. That being said, Chicago is fucked up. You know you're in trouble when people are screaming for you to put Brian Griese in. This guy couldn't beat out Joe Feilder [Jay Fiedler.--ed.] for a starting job. Put a dime on Green Bay and buy yourself 10 fat hookers with the proceeds.

Dallas @ Buffalo (+10.5)

Buffalo hasn't been on Monday Night Football since before O.J. was a murderer. Dallas is good, really good, and Buffalo is bad, really bad. The Cowboys could spot them 4 TD's and still win. TO should be good for 3 TD's now that Nate Clements is in San Francisco. Buffalo might be good in 2 years, but who gives a shit.

There you go.

~PS

Mistakes were made. So, you lost momma's house last week? How was I supposed to know Texas Tech was going to fire their DC? What do you want from me? This is a dirty business. Who got you momma's house in the first place? That's right, degenerate, it was me. Now, I was still 2-1 so let's take your rent money and get back in there and feed that addiction! Shall we?

Did we win?
Dunno.
Cool fire!

West Virginia @ South Florida (+7)

Couches burned in Morgantown last year after West Fucking Virginia lost to USF. I don't think Rich Rodriguez is going to take the Bulls lightly again. Last year, USF held Pat White and Steve Slaton to a combined 60 yards on the ground. South Florida is a great story but I think the lights will be a little too bright for them tonight and I see an offensive explosion coming from Noel Devine and the rest of the Mountaineers. Couches have never burned so brightly as they will in Morgantown tonight (see, they burn them whether they win or lose, home or road game, doesn't matter really, they just like fire). If I had a heart it would be with USF, but this is business, so take your change jar and put it all on the Mountaineers. They will easily cover the 7 and win by 3 TD's.

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry, on a mountain high

California @ Oregon (-6)

Eugene is lovely this time of year but Cal isn't in town to see the sights and get high (presumably). The home team has won the last 4 meetings in this series. Jeff Tedford, a former Mike Bellotti assistant, is about to flip the script. Oregon hasn't really been tested this year and I don't think Dennis Dixon will hold up well under the pressure. He threw 3 picks last year against Cal in a 45-24 beating and I see more of the same here. Put your money on Cal, whom I see winning outright.

You won't see a picture of Jim Tressel on anyone's back.

Alabama @ Florida State (-2.5)

Yeah, that spread has been verified. I don't know what Florida State team they've been watching, but the one I've had the misfortune to see 3 times is ugly; I'm talking Chloe Sevigny ugly. Here's a fun fact - in 1893, Bobby Bowden was a freshman quarterback for the Tide. Yup. But he couldn't handle it, so he quit and transferred. Also, Florida State has never beaten Alabama and it's not going to happen this year either. Do you really think Satan is going to lose in consecutive weeks to an inferior opponent? No. This one will be like old people fucking. It'll be slow, messy, and no one will wanna watch. Go with the Tide to win and get Momma's house back. Trust me.

This just in: the Big 10 is not good. You'll be happy to learn that there's other football out there and I read about it as often as possible. I don't think that makes me immoral or disloyal, just horny for something better. If the Big 10 was meeting my needs at home, I wouldn't be out on the prowl for something better. Am I right? Am I right?

This edition of hot links is dedicated to those individuals out there smarter than me who choose to write about football and in turn, make me look stupider than I can do on my own. Here's to you, smarties!

• At this point in the season, I'm wishing the blogpoll was limited to the top 10. Between my mediocre writing talents and the dearth of balanced teams, 25 is 15 too many for this guy. To illustrate how far superior 10 is to 25, I bring you this feature from Snarkastic. Every week it leaves me in awe and childlike wonderment. It's like seeing Stephen Hawking on a mini pony. It's the kind of thing I would write if I were smarter and had any actual football knowledge.

Hawking and Pinkie Pie in happier times.

• Football robots from the future are brought to us in twos - like Xenu's Ark! Last week I brought you a taste of Steele and this week I bring you another dose of Sunday Morning Quarterback. This is his take on the meteoric ascendancy of South Florida. I don't completely understand what he's saying but I dig how he says it.

Only known photo of SMQ

• I know, we've all seen the Mike Gundy tirade and heard countless opinions on it so I'm not going to link to it [he won't, but I will because I like the part where Gundy challenges the reporter to have a child and then hopes her (possibly) barren uterus produces a fat kid with bad hands. --ed.]. I read this at Burnt Orange Nation and Peter Bean was able to say with an economy of words what I've been clumsily trying to say all week. He proves yet again that you don't have to be wordy to be smart. Enjoy!

Minty quickly proved to be too much for young Hawking.

Ugh.

Full recap to come, but I'm exhausted.  JHC is exhausted.  OPS is exhausted.  This game was exhausting.  (By the way, if you wanted to see the difference between actual blogging and a reporter's perception of blogging, compare the excellent EDSBS/BHGP liveblog with the DMR liveblog.  But I digress.)  The fact is, a passing game predicated on Andy Brodell, Tony Moeaki, and Trey Stross probably won't have any of those three for some time.  The special teams - well, the punting game - isn't improving, and it's killing us.  JC's accuracy is still an issue.  The running game was virtually nonexistent, due to Wisconsin putting 8 up front on nearly every down.

And yet, there is hope.

More after the jump...

Let me start out by acknowledging your thanks for the Indiana pick last week. I know, I know, momma's got 4 houses now and when momma's happy, everyone's happy. But danger lurks this week. I saw a dozen games that looked easier than the drunken bachelorette with the most makeup. The tendency would be to take the bankroll and bet on all of them. Thankfully, I'm smarter than you and that's why you're here. We're still just betting 3 games and as always, bet as much as you want because these are all a slam dunk.

South Carolina @ LSU (-16.5)

LSU is the scariest team I've seen all year. After just watching them demolish Sean Glennon and Virginia Tech I pissed blood for a week. They have no weakness that I can see and are not to be trifled with. However, tOBC is a genius and I know he knows what to do to keep this tight. South Carolina is much improved on defense and with a gimpy Matt Flynn and no Early Doucet (awesome name, wonder where he's from?) I see this as a dogfight. I'm positively moist with the possibility of postulant Degenerate Gambling Hall of Famer Ryan Perrilloux playing. How'd you like to have your lunch money on LSU when you see Perrilloux take charge of the huddle with LSU lingering around the line? Woooweee! This is gonna be awesome.
Oh yeah, take South Carolina and all of those glorious points.

Arizona @ Cal (-15.5)

Cal is on a roll right now so one would think this is a trap game. One would be wrong. Arizona pissed on Cal's BCS picnic last season and Jeff Tedford isn't one to forget a slight (ask Phil Fulmer). Also, Arizona sucks. As part of his farewell tour as a Division I head coach, Mike Stoops is giving away points (24 per game) and yardage (420 last week in a loss to New Mexico) like party favors. Cal has a brutal Pac 10 schedule so they won't fuck around here. They will use a strong pimphand on Arizona. I would not be surprised to see the Cal starters in the game with a 5 TD lead in the 4th quarter. If you hate the Stoops family (and QUITE FRANKLY, who doesn't?) this is the game for you. Cal would be my "bet yo momma's house" team of the week, if not for this -

Texas Tech @ Oklahoma State (+6)

Texas Tech is going to rape Oklahoma State on Saturday. When I say rape what I really mean is they are going to have sex with them, repeatedly, against their will. They are going to chain Oklahoma State to a radiator for 210 minutes and demoralize them in such a way that the Cowboys will walk with a limp (and not the cool kind which connotes a swagger, or a swerve) for the remainder of the season. Oklahoma State gave up nearly 400 yards passing to Troy last week and this week they're facing TT's Graham Harrell who leads the nation in passing and Michael Crabtree who leads the nation in receiving yards and touchdowns. And that's not all! Mike Leach's band of pirates is also going to pillage the Cowboy offense as well. OSU's starting center, David Washington, is out for the season and after falling behind by 3 scores in the opening quarter, OSU QB Zac Robinson is going to be under siege for the remainder of the game. This is the most ridiculous spread I've seen all year. Take all your momma's booty and put it on the Raiders.

It's official, there are exactly 1 million college football blogs. It's simply not possible to read them all, I've tried. Thankfully, 2 of the best, MGoBlog and Run Up The Score, are Big 10 blogs. If you don't read them, you need to start now, so here's a Q&A between the two of them that will give you an insight into their programs, their psyches, and their biggest fear.

I'm sure you've been asking yourself, how can Jebus be so knowledgeable (and charming)? It's a common question. If you want the truth, I read Phil's Weekly Notes. In case you haven't heard, Phil Steele is a robot that's been sent here from the future to implant football knowledge into your face. I should warn you, once you go Steele, you never go back. Also, I challenge you to read his Weekly Notes from top to bottom without crying. I'll time you. Go!

After Steele you need something a little lighter, maybe something to tickle your funny bone (I will tickle you so hard!), and Hey Jenny Slater has just the thing. It's a hard-hitting scientific expose on Powerful douchebags and the women who (outwardly appear to) love them.

I need your help. In my constant need to research our opponent and read about college football I've been trying to find a Wisconsin football blog. I'm not having a lot of luck. Don't make me read a newspaper, people! I don't want to do it. I need a Badger Tracker! Badgers Sports is good but they've only posted once this month. So, if you know of a good Badger blog or if you write a Badger blog, now is your chance to be moderately regionally famous! Send us your link.
Be quick about it too, because there's a game in 2 days. Just know that until I hear something, this picture of Alvarez will be at the top of every post.
MGMT

Hey, degenerates, Jebus is back with some locks for you this week. Last week, I was 2-1 but I also gave you LSU and Iowa to cover as well. Since you're already into your book for about 5 years of regrettable drunken decisions, my plan is to get you out of the hole by the end of the season. Let's do this.

USC @ Nebraska (+9.5)

Have you ever been to Nebraska? I have. I dated a girl who was born and raised there. I visited her hometown one 4th of July weekend and it was like visiting another planet. The thing is, I'm from Iowa, so for me to say that, is saying something. Her tweaker brother was talking to me for 8 hours straight about their yearly car show in the town square. Normally I would have cut him off, but it was better than her daddy talking about the fucking Cornhuskers and beans. So I listened to this meth-faced lunatic talk about '77 Dusters for 8 hours. The next morning, crank-face was peering into the guest room at 7am with a hideous Skeletor-esque grin saying, "wakey wakey, brah. We gotta get the vette to the show!" I grabbed my pants, a thermos of Butternut (yum!), and off we went. I was at the car show with speed freaks for 6 hours and there wasn't one conversation that didn't involve Joel Mackovicka or Bondo. My point? Those fuckers define themselves by their football team, which isn't very good. Every single person in that state is obsessed with what those boys can do and Sam Keller has the weight of Nebraska on his shoulders. Sadly, he won't handle it well because he's going to be up against an athletic and aggressive defense from USC and they will break him. And you know Football Jesus Pete Carroll won't hesitate to drop 50 on the Cornhuskers either. This will be ugly like a prison rape. You can give the 9.5, hell, give 20, because USC is going to bury a platinum shiv in Lincoln's ample belly.

Hawaii @ UNLV (+17.5)

I never thought I'd be talking about UNLV football two weeks in a row but I also never thought Vegas would have lines that were so jacked up two weeks in a row. UNLV was a 4 TD dog to Wisconsin last week and nearly won outright. Hawaii makes a visit to Sin City this week. They left their defense on the island (can you blame them? Look at that!) as they always do when travelling. UNLV's beaten Hawaii 3 out of 4 and the last 2 at home. The Warriors can't stop anyone. They might win this game but they won't cover. Lay your money on the Rebels.

Akron @ Indiana (-13.5)

This isn't about great teams and intrigue, this is about getting your XBox 360 back from the pawn shop. Akron is horrible. Last week after their opening possession, they went 3 & out and punted 13 times in a row. That's the first time that's ever happened in the history of college football (probably). Indiana is no defensive juggernaut but they do have James Motherfucking Hardy and Kellen Lewis so they'll score at will. I told you to bet momma's house on Oregon last week, assuming you listened, you can put momma's houses and her summer house on Indiana this week. Read that again. Yeah, I just told you to bet your momma's houses on the Indiana Hoosier football team -- that's why they call it gambling.