Marchifornication Begins

We usher in our month of greatness with Bread Man, our alter ego who lives in the kitchen and steals your heart.

We have big news to talk... talk about... you're watching it again, aren't you? Fine. Go ahead; we can wait.

You done? You had your fill? All right. We have serious news to talk about this morning. There's been a major editorial change at the Press-Citizen sports desk. Your usual football columnist is longtime GoldPantsPal Harty Party, looking like an autopsy here.

So imagine our confusion when we opened up this opinion piece on the dismal state of conduct on the Iowa football team. Sure, it says Pat Harty in the byline, and sure, he goes out of his way to disagree with team captain Albert Young and blame the coaches, but... where's the Avalanche fuel? What's that in its place?

JESUS CHRIST THEY DIGITALLY COMBED HIS HAIR. Worse Better yet, the color transformation on his face is extreme by Maxim standards; here, it's ludicrous.

We know your tricks, Harty. We're still avalanching with the original picture. Not here, not now; your article was actually pretty reasonable. But we're still on alert.

And stop making the computer take care of your headpelt. There's this place on Highway 1 called Kim's Kuts and the van outside says $5.95 haircuts. I'm sure it's just some little old Asian lady with a pair of clippers and a lot of free time, but let's not get picky here. It's six bucks. Don't do it for us; do it for you.