In dreams begin responsibility ...

Sorry, Delmore.

Anyway, we think we know how bad we are right now, but we don't.

Until we know how bad we are, we're just wandering in one of those bad dreams where we think we know where we are, and turn the corner expecting to see the old homestead, Freckles the cat, and Nicole Kidman at the back door, untying her apron and unbuttoning that skirt.  But we turn the corner and ... we're standing naked at the train station and the cops are coming after us with truncheons and its time to bolt and flee, until once more we think we're just turning the corner.  Meanwhile, droning in the background, is pablum about "execution" and "rhythm".  This is a very bad dream.

We don't get out of the bad dream until we enumerate the badness:

a.  we are not a developmental squad.  We've got one assistant who shoved a kid on television, another (who is coaching offense) who forgot to use his running backs.  You have to have a plan and an objective, if you are a developmental club.  We are random.

b.  we haven't had good special teams across the board since 2004.

c.  we haven't had a relaxed, big play team since 2004.  Our guys look like farmworkers in North Korea, they're so beaten down.

d.  we have lost three in a row.

e.  we have lost 7 B10 games in a row.  Minnesota expects to get well against us now.

f.  we make excuses that it's impossible to recruit anyone to Iowa, and we're sharing all that great Iowa talent with ISU.  Hello?  We just got waxed by Indiana.  (Indiana, Purdue, Notre Dame).  What kind of bullshit is this?  Could we beat Ball State right now?  Ball State just put up 40 on Nebraska.  Could we put up 40 on Nebraska?

g.  our OC put on 30 pounds in the last year (sign of stress).

h.  our OC forgot that we have a fullback (sign of stress).

i.  our OC forgot that we have two senior running backs that would go for 2000 if they were at Northern Illinois (sign of early onset dementia).  

j.  our coach is a good guy who gives the worst press conferences -- abetted, no doubt, by graybeard old hands in the press corps whom Harty interviews, before letting Jenni Carlson have her turn -- this side of Mitt Romney.  

h.  the dipshits in the stands want to boo our QB.  The only guy more beat up than Jake this week is McNabb, and he's paid real money to be abused.

So how do we get better and get home in time to sweep those dishes off the table with Nicole?

We need all three backs in the offense, and we need to swing the ball to them on the edge.  Jake don't need no reads to throw long laterals.

If they take that away, we run split zone all day long.

If they take split zone away, we get our receivers into hard-coded plays where they don't have to make hot reads, call plays and go.  A slant?  A quick out?  Are we're the only team in the country that hasn't thrown one of either all year?  As Sonny Jurgenson says, the bullshit with audibles and checking in and out of plays has gone on too long.  It looks clever to the coaches, but they're not 20 years old trying to play a game with 100,000 nutcases screaming.  Just call a play and run it.  Get the guys moving in space.

If they take that away, we run split zone all day long.

If they take that away, we go three wide, we get Sims and Young in the game at the same time for a minimum of 20 plays, and we see them try to take that away.

If they take that away we run split zone all day long.

Somebody is assigned to tell KOK what is happening on the field.  And to remind him, the field is 53 yards wide this year.

The first coach that shoves a player on the sideline is summarily canned, like he would be a) at Parris Island; b) any company in the world; c) any bar.

Then we beat PSU, find our way home, rip the La Perla off Nicole, and get laid on the dining room table.  It isn't normal, not getting laid for three weeks, and ignoring Nicole while we roam the empty streets -- insanity.  We want normalcy: 30 points, laughter on the sideline, and Nicole, tickling our ears with her ankles.

And then we really dream, and in dreams begin responsibility.