The JoePa Chronicles: Kirk Ferentz Visits Penn State

Right this way, Mr. Ferentz, Mr. Barta. This is the Lasch Football Building, where we have our training rooms, practice facilities, and coaching offices.

Coaching offices?

Yes sir, the entire staff works in this building.

Hmm.

You don't say! I don't suppose they'd mind if I stopped in, right?

They may not mind, but I'd really rather continue with the tour. How was the flight?

It was fine, we've got our own plane. Are you on a strict schedule? We can make it quick, but I'd really like to

Mr. Ferentz. I'm begging you. I'd really rather not.

That's fine. Why don't you show Gary the training room?

It's right over... wait, what do you mean "show Ga

(bolts)

...ry." God damn it.

Hey.

Uh, hi?

You come here often?

Oh Jesus.

(keep reading...)

This place is pretty nice. It's always weird being in a foreign building like this. And enough of the blue and white, guys.

I HEAR A VOICE

Joe! Hey, Gary and I are

MR. PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU

Are you kidding?

MR. PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU

Sigh. Joe, we've been fri

MR. PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU

Mr. Paterno...

THANK YOU

..we've known each other for long enough that I think we can be on a first-name basis. You know as soon as Tiller steps down, we'll be the two most tenured coaches in the Big Ten, right?

IS THAT SO

Sure! He went there in '97, and I was, gosh, 1999. Seems like forev

THIS STORY IS BORING

Well, I can understand you not being impressed by a tenure like mine. I mean

I SAID BORING

Is there something you'd rather talk about?

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER ASK. THE YEAR WAS 1996, AND WE WERE 4-0. WE HAD BEATEN OUR OPPONENTS BY A COMBINED 138-14. WE HAD THOROUGHLY DEMORALIZED SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IN THE OPENING GAME AND I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED TO THINK I HAD ENDED THAT ANGLO BASTARD JOHN ROBINSON'S CAREER THERE SINGLEHANDEDLY. THE DEAN COMES INTO MY OFFICE AND TELLS ME MY STARTING QUARTERBACK HAD PASSED HIS MIDTERM

Well, that's good news.

IT WAS PICKED OFF AND RETURNED FOR A TOUCHDOWN

What?

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WALLY RICHARDSON

Yeah, he sucks. But I don't really see

LONG STORY SHORT, I HAD THE DEAN KILLED AND WE WON THE FIESTA BOWL THAT SEASON UNDER WALLY'S STEADY LEADERSHIP

Didn't we beat you that year? In Happy Valley, I might add.

WHY, I BELIEVE YOU DID. I WOULD CALL THAT UNFINISHED BUSINESS

You cannot seriously

SWORDS, MR. FERENTZ

What?

(tries to pick up a samurai blade) EN GARDE

You may want to pick a lighter weapon.

Knock knock! You don't have a knocker so I say knock knock.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF GIDEON'S BUTTHOLE ARE YOU DOING HERE

I don't like playing with Ken!

YOU TWO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING FROM EACH OTHER. IT'S THE SPREAD HD AND THE NEGATIVE ONE YARDS AND A CLOUD OF DUST OFFENSE, TOGETHER AT LOST

I think you mean "last."

I KNOW WHAT I SAID

There you are!

Dang it!

What's going on, guys? I thought you two were having a "strategy session!" We even gave you enough Duplo people for an offense and defense.

Jay says they're not good enough for his offense.

You think I'm going to run a spread option with a white quarterback?

GOOD HEAVENS THERE ARE CHINAMEN IN THIS GROUP

Thank you!

Oh come on. Tim Tebow's white, and he won the Heisman running something like your offense.

(stifles a laugh)

I don't know if you're at all familiar with my work, Mr. Ferentz, but my name is Pat Devlin, and there is no way in hell I am at all like Tim Tebow.

WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE COAL MINES

I hate this place.

I don't mean to intrude. Is everything all right?

SECRETARY, HELP ME PICK UP THIS SWORD

Yes, we're all fine. Tour's over?

Sure is.

Why is her skirt on backwards?

I should go now.

Jesus. Let's get out of here.

You didn't seriously...

Man.

Hey, like she said. The entire staff works in this building.

Daps!

(speechless)

So, what do you think about the facilities? I was told the contractors could get a good proposal for something exactly like this for about $7 million less than we have budgeted.

Gary, as good as that sounds, I'm pretty sure there's enough lead paint in this place to kill Superman in an hour.

I could see that.

Penn State is fucking weird.

I DON'T EVEN SEE WHY THE SPREAD NEEDS TO BE IN HIGH DEFINITION

(H/T: The inimitable RUTS)