Black Heart Gold Pants: An SB Nation Community

Navigation: Jump to content areas:



Around SBN: Rickey Henderson Coming Back to A's? Bar-right-arrows



The JoePa Chronicles: Joe Paterno Runs Spring Practices, Part 1

We find Mr. Paterno seated with Athletic Director Tim Curley in a meeting room, flanked on either side by an attentative board of regents. Mr. Paterno is gazing anxiously at the wall clock and is visibly impatient. It is the afternoon, after all, and spring practices have begun. Nonetheless, business beckons.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, MR. CURLEY

We're glad you could make it, Mr. Paterno. Obviously, this is a delicate situation, with your contract and all.

I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY. YOU AND THE REGENTS GET ALL WORKED UP OVER MONEY EVERY YEAR

Well, Joe, it's just

MR. PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU

Coach

MR. PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU

I've known you for decades, Joe

MR. PATERNO WILL

Would you cut it out?!

BE FINE, THANK YOU

Okay, Mr. Paterno, let's

THANK YOU

...let's talk about the contract. As you're probably aware, we're not particularly interested in extending yours much longer

THAT IS FINE

It... it is? So you don't mind if we replace you before, say, 2010?

ON THAT WE WILL DISAGREE SHARPLY, AND BY THAT I MEAN I WILL BE INSERTING A SWORDFISH INTO YOUR STERNUM

But, you just said yourself that

I DON'T GIVE ONE WHIT WHAT YOU PAY ME, YOU MONGOLOID, AND I DON'T CARE IF THERE'S A PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS I'M LEGALLY ALLOWED TO BE ON THAT SIDELINE OR NOT, BUT YOU WILL NOT TEAR ME AWAY FROM THIS PROGRAM UNTIL I AM GOOD AND GODDAMN READY, WHICH I SHOULD REITERATE WOULD BE NEVER

Guys, I can hang up if you want

WHO IS THAT AND HOW IS HE THROWING HIS VOICE INTO THIS ROOM. I SUSPECT IT'S THE WORK OF BLACK MAGICKS

(keep reading...)

Star-divide

Calm down, Jo--Mr. Paterno. It's

THANK YOU

...it's Greg Schiano, head coach over at Rutgers. We were hoping you two could come to a mutual agreement on a succession plan.

I'VE GOT A GREAT PLAN, IT'S CALLED HOW ABOUT GREG SCHIANO DOESN'T SET FOOT IN THIS STATE IF HE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY

Easy, Joe. I'm not taking your job away from you.

YOU LEARN VERY QUICKLY, I COULD USE A GUY LIKE YOU AROUND HERE AFTER I LEAVE

What do you mean you're not--Christ, Greg, why even bother with the conference call?

Bill told me there were some mighty fine benefits to being courted for the job. That's up for debate.

What?

GREG, LISTEN VERY CLOSELY, DO NOT PULL ENGAGE MRS. CURLEY IN RELATIONS

Thank you, Mr. Pater

SHE IS UNTAMED IN THE WORST POSSIBLE LOCATIONS

Heh. Not anymore.

JESUS YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID YOU USE, A MACHETE?

For crying out loud.

A half hour with a set of clippers and three quarters of a tube of shaving cream. Can't say the process was a lot of fun, but the end result was

Can we stop this? Please?!

...also not worth it.

TIM, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR WIFE'S GIANT THIGHS

No shit.

I'm going to hang this phone up. This call is over.

Not before I get your credit card number, this box spring is ruined.

AND HERE I WAS ASKING ABOUT IF HE SHAVED YOUR WIFE'S MUSTACHE. SHE'S A PICKELHAUBE AWAY FROM PROFESSIONALLY IMPERSONATING A KAISER. A PICKELHAUBE IS THE HELMET WITH THE POINT ON TOP COMMONLY ASSOCIATED WITH GERMAN AND PRUSSIAN MILITARY MEMBERS OF THE 18TH CENTURY. I TRIED QUITE UNSUCCESSFULLY TO INTEGRATE THEM INTO THE COLLEGE GAME FORTY YEARS AGO, AND THOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU THAT WE WILL MISS THOSE FALLEN SOLDIERS, THE TRUTH IS THAT THEY'RE PITT, AND THE 56-POINT VICTORY MARGIN WOULD BE MY LARGEST FOR DECADES. ALL IN ALL IT WAS A WORTHWHILE EXPERIENCE

We play Pitt on a yearly basis, Joe. They are awful.

THEY CERTAINLY ARE

Okay, that's enough of that. (hangs up phone)

GOD DAMN IT, SHORT AND CURLEY. THAT WAS MY FIRST WORTHWHILE CONVERSATION IN DECADES

I know, but that had to stop. I'm going to the bathroom. I know you have practice to deal with in a bit, but please stay for 5 minutes. (leaves)

MAY I SING TO PASS THE TIME

TRICK QUESTION, I ASK PERMISSION FROM NOBODY

F

E

R

G

A

ring ring ring

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME

I'll get that, Joe. It's a call coming in.

YES, THIS IS TIM CURLEY, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU

Hey, it's Ed. We have a problem.

OH, DO TELL

Well, we seem to have a problem. You know Stanley Pringle, right?

HIS POTATO SNACKS HAVE KEPT ME AWAKE ON MANY A NIGHT, AND HIS MUSTACHE REMINDS ME OF MY WIFE'S

What?! Oh come on, Joe, put Tim on the line.

TIM IS IN THE BATHROOM ON ACCOUNT OF HIS FOOTBALL-SIZED PROSTATE

Sigh... fine. Maybe you can help.

DO TELL. I AM WELL VERSED IN THE ART OF PLAYER DISCIPLINE

I don't really think you are, Joe, you've killed dozens of players with your bare hands. I think you ate a few.

NOT DOZENS

Anyway... we had a kid get arrested in the library last night.

FOR ARSON?

No, no, nothing that destructive

GOD DAMN IT, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ARSON

He, uh... he was arrested for masturbating.

WHAT

What?

Yeah.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I know.

STANLEY PRINGLE WAS ARRESTED FOR MILKING HIMSELF IN A LIBRARY

Yes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

What's so funny?

STANLEY PRINGLE IS A PUBLIC MASTURBATOR

He must have thought it was a "Pubic Library!"

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

(to be continued...)

0 recs | Comment 22 comments

Read Related

Story-email Email | Print |

Comments

Display:

Franks n' beans!

Go great with Pringles.

by Bucketochicken on Apr 3, 2008 12:20 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Sex Crimes Unit

Hoping Sally Mason's SWATs have a Sex Crimes Unit.  You can't be too careful.

by Bellanca on Apr 3, 2008 1:10 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Not just a Sex Crimes Unit,

...but a Sex Crimes Unit with quotas.  

by Bucketochicken on Apr 3, 2008 1:16 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Exactly

We need be enforcing a minimum of 5 sodomy cases per month.  Minimum!

PAULAs are a thing of the past.  Ante up!

by storminspank on Apr 3, 2008 1:25 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Yes.

Both forced and unforced sodomy.  We can't be too careful.

by Bucketochicken on Apr 3, 2008 1:26 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

hmmmm

Masturbation in a library.  Those are some fun Fulmer cup points

by chitownhawkeye on Apr 3, 2008 2:17 PM CDT   0 recs

I don't think there was a cup involved,

just an old book, like maybe a battered copy of the 1997 World Almanac...

by Bucketochicken on Apr 3, 2008 2:47 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

"battered old copy"

Please tell me that choice of words was intentional. Any time a man's ejaculate is referred to as "baby batter," Jesus smites another Muslim or something (I don't know how the Jesus thing works or if he automatically has lasers now because humans do or what).

by Oops Pow Surprise on Apr 3, 2008 4:14 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Jesus doesn't smite anybody

He doesn't really give a rip one way or the other because, you know, he's dead.

by Bucketochicken on Apr 3, 2008 4:21 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

that's what

they said about JoePa in '97, and now look at him, gainfully employed by a public university. Beat that, Jesus.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Apr 3, 2008 5:09 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Word.

And how many National Championships ya' got there, "son of god?"  Uh-huh, thought so.  

So pwned.

Pretty sweet beard though.

by Bucketochicken on Apr 3, 2008 5:53 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Hilarious

JoePa + masturbation + Kaiser = awesome.  

http://disporten.blogspot.com

by dex on Apr 4, 2008 9:34 AM CDT   0 recs

It's so wrong

that there are 4 Michigan blogs in my RSS feed.

by Hawkeye State on Apr 4, 2008 12:24 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Comments For This Post Are Closed


User Tools

If you ain't rollin' on dubs, you ain't rollin' on shit.

FanPosts

Community blog posts and discussion.

Recent FanPosts

Yuk_small
Perchance to Tailgate
Small
At least we're not...Wisconsin?
Small
"When you're put on a pedestal like that, you hear a lot of things and you see a lot of things and you think it's OK"
Mcqueen_small
Lies, Damn Lies, and Big Ten Media Day
Large_small
Yanda Stories
Small
Player Nicknames
Small
Let's get it back
Natty_boh_logo_new_small
The Second Letter is Not Scarlet.
Natty_boh_logo_new_small
Lying. It's a habit I can't kick.
Natty_boh_logo_new_small
Me Whining No Good.

Post_icon New FanPost All FanPosts Carrot-mini


Site Meter