The JoePa Chronicles: Joe Paterno Gets Ready for Election Coverage

SECRETARY

SECRETARY

(don't let him do this. you have a Master's in communication.)

PARDON ME

SECRETARY

(don't let him call you "Secretary." that's not even your job title.)

EXCUSE ME

(be strong.)

SECRETARYYYYYYYY

What?! What do you want?

I HAVE A LONG NIGHT AHEAD OF ME. PLEASE BRING ME FIVE GLASSES OF JUICE THIS INSTANT

That is not my job. If you have correspondence to go out or guidelines to double-check, I'd be happy to, Mr. Paterno. I am not your maid.

I AM NOT QUITE SURE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BECAUSE I HAVE NOT USED YOU IN EITHER OF THOSE REGARDS SINCE YOU WERE HIRED IN 1982

1988.

AS NEAR AS I CAN TELL YOU USED MINESWEEPER AND GOOGLE TALK ALL DAY, WHICH IS FINE IF YOU'RE MY SON

Hello!

BUT IN LIEU OF ACTUAL WORK, OF WHICH I'VE NONE FOR YOU, I HUMBLY REQUEST FIVE GLASSES OF JUICE

Fine. What do you want.

ORANGE, GRAPE, APPLE, CRANBERRY, AND GRAPE

You said grape twice

I LIKE GRAPE

(JOEPA SAYS PLEASE KEEP READING)

Why do you insist drinking so much, anyway?

I KNOW YOUR KIND ISN'T ALLOWED TO VOTE, BUT

Sir!

FELONS I MEAN

I'm not a god-damned felon!

I MEAN INDEPENDENTS

How do you even make that mistake? Honestl

REGISTERING AS AN INDEPENDENT IS EVERY BIT AS TREASONOUS AN ACT AS CORNSHOE HAMMAKER COMMITTED DURING GETTYSBURG WHEN HE WHEELED HIS CANNON AROUND 180 DEGREES AND BLEW ROBERT E LEE'S HEAD OFF FROM POINT BLANK RANGE

BOOM, headshot!

That story doesn't even make sense.

ANYWAY, THIS IS A MAJOR ELECTION EVENT TONIGHT. JAY HAS DEMANDED THAT WE WATCH IT TOGETHER

Gobama! Yes! We! Can! Yes! We!

ENOUGH

Dad, this is a big deal!

IT CAN BE A BIG DEAL WITHOUT YOU CHANTING LIKE A SPANIARD

WHICH, I MIGHT ADD, IS A VERY UNTRUSTWORTHY BREED

So the juice?

NO, NOBODY IS LESS TRUSTWORTHY THAN THE JEWS

The juice that you want me to bring you, you old bastard.

YES, I CANNOT BE SEATED FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR WITHOUT MY BLADDER COLLAPSING, SO I MUST KEEP IT FILLED AT ALL TIMES. IT COMES WITH OLD AGE. ONE DAY YOU'LL BE OLD AND ASKING FOR WHATEVER IT IS YOU PEOPLE LIKE

That's it! I'm tired of this casual racism and disrespect! I am a human being, goddammit!

I MEAN YOU SECRETARIES

Forget it! I quit!

SEAN, STOP HER THIS INSTANT AND I WILL RELEASE YOU FROM YOUR HOUSE ARREST, EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE A FULL TWO MONTHS LEFT; AS MUCH AS YOUR ADDICTION TO PROSTITUTES MUST BE CONTROLLED, WE NEED SECRETARY

Yes sir.

Move.

Coach says I can't let you.

KI-YA!!! (kicks)

AW FUCK MY FUCKING KNEE AAAAAAAAAAAAGH

JAY, WHAT ON EARTH DID SHE DO TO MY PRIZED LINEBACKER

Judging by how his knee bent, I'd say he broke his ACL or something.

CONFOUNDIT, TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL

But the polls are almost closed and I wanna watch the thing!

JESUS CHRIST IT'S LIKE I GOT SHOT

WHERE THE HELL IS MY JUICE

SECRETARYYYYYYYYYYYY