Big Ten Bloggers Basketball Poll: It's The Final Countdown

The Big Ten Bloggers Basketball Poll is a labor of love supervised by Gopher Nation, voted on by a variety of bloggers with varying degrees of hoops knowledge. Hawkeye State usually writes this feature, but he insisted on performing the music for this final iteration instead. I, Oops Pow Surprise, am not one to dissent. These dogs got chops!

In the spirit of Europe, Hawkeye State, Gob and Buster, let's count these teams down, one final time.

11. Northwestern (8-21, 1-17)

God, you sucked this year, Northwestern. I don't care if you took Iowa to the wire, twice. 1-15 in this, the worst BXI in recent memory (and that, friends, is saying a lot) is totally inexcusable. How Kevin Coble didn't pull a Doom 2 and just mow everybody down with a chainsaw or a shotgun is beyond me.

10. Michigan (9-21, 5-13)

Technically, Michigan is light-years ahead of Northwestern and could make a case for 9th or 8th. But for the love of Jimmy Naismith, Michigan's first-year slide raised Tommy Amaker into Uncle Glen territory--well, up until the transcendently hilarious Harvard recruiting scandal, of course.

9. Illinois (13-18, 5-13)

Yes, Illinois's record was dogshit awful this year, and there's scant hope for next year. But let Ken Pomeroy's supermathcalculator do the talking here--they weren't actually that bad. The Pomeroyanian ranks Illinois as the #39 team in the country, and their schedule would lend that notion some credence. They lost to Duke, Maryland, and Arizona in the non-conference tilt. They had to face every top BXI team twice--their single-game opponents were Iowa and Northwestern. They were almost always competitive and led late in many games. So we're sticking them ahead of Michigan. Bruce Weber, your thoughts?

Exactly.

8. Minnesota (18-12, 8-10)

Fuck you, you beat nobody. Even the NIT thinks your SOS stinks.

7. Penn State (15-15, 7-11)

FIFTEEN WINS, MY GOODNESS, THAT TOPS THE ZACK MILLS ERA

LET ME REITERATE THAT I HATE HIM

Who are you talking to?

I'M LEARNING INTERNET

6. Ohio State (19-12, 10-8)

We hope Kosta Koufos sticks around for a while and someone at the BTN gives him the Flavor Flav treatment and calls him Kosta-Kost. Admit it, you want to hear someone say "Kosta-Kost goes coast-to-coast!" Even though he never does that, ever. Anyhoo, good luck with that 11 seed in the tourney this year, guys. Greg Oden says hi.

5. Indiana (25-6, 14-4)

Between the loss of Kelvin Sanctions and the loss at Penn State, we cannot seriously justify giving the Hoosiers any sort of credit for this season. They have two wins against Top 25 teams for the entire year, Eric Gordon wears a t-shirt because he lost a bet and has a schlong tattooed on his shoulder, and we're still not forgiving the program for the Tom Coverdale Era. Fuckers are lucky we gave you fif.

4. Michigan State (24-7, 12-6)

Figures the SPARTANS went out with a loss, doesn't it? Let's go back to what one incredibly sexy and talented writer had to say about MSU back in November:

3. Michigan State
I'm willing to overlook the GVSU debacle for now--to a point. Drew Neitzel as the preseason Big Ten POY? Really? First of all, what a ridiculous award to give out. What's the point? Second, I'm not totally sold on their front court. Goran Suton is routinely hilarious in his ability to give the ball up under no duress whatsoever. If you ever want to watch a 6'11" man dribble a ball off his own foot or blow two straight layups with nobody around him, Suton is your man. Then there's Marquise Gray, who's supremely athletic on each side of the ball but utterly clueless with the ball in his hand. Those two aren't even the worst of MSU's offenders; Idong Ibok (giggle) was matched only by Minnesota's Kevin Payton in terms of giving the ball up. The Wonk covered their turnover woes extensively last year, and I imagine that the pages of Basketball Prospectus will be similarly pre-occupied this year. Shame, really; they're talented enough to run away with the conference.

I am fucking right always.

3. Purdue (24-7, 15-3)

The name "Baby Boilers" is misleading, as none of their players were, in fact, babies. All were at least 18 years of age. We strongly recommend the movie There Will Be Blood, as Daniel Plainview routinely serves his son a Baby Boilermaker, which is whiskey and milk. Anyhoo, unlike Plainview, Matt Painter deserves much recognition and laudatory attention for his job raising his young charges. He, drinks, your, coach of the year milkshake! SLUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPP! He drinks it up!

2. Wisconsin (26-4, 16-2)

Another empty year for Bo Sanctions, the Ron Zook of the Big Ten, as he rides his mercenary, one-and-done recruits to a high-yet-unfulfilling finish in the conference. Their inexperience and lack of discipline will undoubtedly lead to another early exit, all while the NCAA somehow refuses to investigate. We don't trust Soulja Bo and neither should you. With any luck, this conference cancer will go out west where rulebreakers belong.

1. Iowa (13-18, 6-12 31-0, 18-0)

YEAH! FUCK YEAH! MARCHIFORNICATION! WHOOOO!!! WE'RE NUMBER ONE! WE'RE NUMBER ONE! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!