IT'S COMING... [scary heartbeat sound]
by jebushchrist on Feb 29, 2008 12:58 PM CST
in Iowa Hawkeyes News
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Marchifornication is coming and you're powerless to stop it. Don't be scurrred - the best way to handle something that's dangerous and morally wrong is to join up, like a street gang. February was the greatest and best month in BHGP history [other than January.--ed.] and March is going to slap the shit out of February, so, mount up, guys and dolls, because now this is happenin'.
What is Marchifornication, JHC?
I can't tell you everything yet, but let me just say that Marchifornication will be the greatest and best month in Sports Blog History. [oh dear.--ed.] There will be gambling, outlandish claims of superiority, daily posts [um... have you talked to OPS about this?--ed.] [I don't have to talk to him! I'm the founder of this site!.--JHC.] [ Co-founder, and infrequent contributor.--ed.] [I comment!--JHC.] [this is gonna be grand...--ed.] [OH! IT WILL BE! IT WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!--JHC.] [gotcha.--ed.], liveblogs, comment thread slap fights, recipes, blog wars, and no pants, at all.
I've already said too much. More details later.
JHC
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that's part of it
But there will be so much more. We're not really sure yet, because I just made it up today.
But there will be an NCAA Tournament Pool here at BHGP, know that.
Hans Blix has been searching for them since 2003?
Blowing up in your face to catastrophic consequences?
Capable of melting eyeballs?
Enough to make Colin Powell quit?
you are all jerks
Then I'm gonna take over BHGP and put vaginas, rainbows, and pictures of Brad Pitt all over it or something.
and then...
I'll throw tampons on all of your lawns so when it rains, they expand.
Super Plus absorbancy too.
Vaginas, rainbows, Brad Pitt pictures & tampons?
We call that Tuesday.
by Patrick Vint on Feb 29, 2008 2:28 PM CST up reply actions
If I didn't know better
I'd swear you were asking for a Photoshop of a rainbow coming out of Brad Pitt's vagina.
(furiously searching Google Images)
Or possibly
Brad Pitt extracting a rainbow-colored tampon from Celine Dion's vagina, and using it to absorb all teh water off of Andie MacDowell's lawn.
by Bucketochicken on Feb 29, 2008 2:49 PM CST up reply actions
That sounds like a very, very busy Photoshop.
It would need different panels at the very least.
I think the one with Celine Dion's vagina would have to be our site logo for a day. I'm sure SBN wouldn't mind.
Wait, wait, wait -
You mean that's not Celine Dion's vagina up there?
by Bucketochicken on Feb 29, 2008 2:58 PM CST up reply actions
I believe that
several panels in sequence would be required, thus making is a "cartoon."
Unfortunately, the montage mentioned above was already conceived by Charles Shultz in a 1998 Peanuts cartoon - link below
Wait for Sundays - cartoons in color! (oops, forgot - newspapers are dead).
That's ridiculous
Hans Blix was eaten by Kim Jong Il's sharks four years ago.
by Bucketochicken on Feb 29, 2008 2:29 PM CST up reply actions
Ah, Hans Brix! So good to seer you!
Three years of law school, and my best grade came on a 40-page paper on the ineptitude of the UN where I quoted that scene, word-for-word. The professor wrote, "Lacking in substance, but I loved it."
In other words, it was the BHGP of legal analysis.
by Patrick Vint on Feb 29, 2008 2:32 PM CST up reply actions
Marchifornification hasn't even started!
and things are already spiralling out of control.
I knew it was genius.
excuse me
referencing feminine products does not mean things are "spiralling out of control"
Thankyouverymuch.
Once more,
dmbmeg has opened the door to complete thread anarchy.
This makes our liveblogs look like Sunday Mass.
shutup anonymous
I will banish you to a Groundhog's Day like existence.
Except instead of waking up to Andy McDowell in Punxsutawney, you will wake up much worse....a full-time student at THE Ohio State University.
No need to
The JHC Army is long and strong, and they gotta get their friction on.
by jebushchrist on Feb 29, 2008 2:35 PM CST up reply actions
I did now, sucka
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!
by jebushchrist on Feb 29, 2008 2:51 PM CST up reply actions
Yes
It's not technically Marchifornication for another 9 hours, but things escalated quickly.
[see: trident above]
by jebushchrist on Feb 29, 2008 3:06 PM CST up reply actions
The seventh-largest exporter?
Paris Hilton.
ZING!
by Patrick Vint on Feb 29, 2008 2:55 PM CST up reply actions
correction
No no, she's an importer... of baby batter!
zing?
by jebushchrist on Feb 29, 2008 2:57 PM CST up reply actions
Uh, no
Her program is not broadcast on this masturbation station.
by Bucketochicken on Feb 29, 2008 3:01 PM CST up reply actions
Why
would I do that when I can just do it like normal: looking at myself in the mirror?
Wait, everyone does that, right? I'm not---what site is this???? PRANK CALL PRANK CALL
Judges? Judges?
And uh... yeah, we're going with zing on that one! ZING! Jebus, you still control the board.
Yes
a Lawrencealanche is like yelling "fire" in a crowded theater.
by jebushchrist on Feb 29, 2008 3:33 PM CST up reply actions
Ahem
We can make jokes without referencing human by-products too, you know.
You must be one of those sick fucks who likes the smell of Raid. Raid smells horrible. It doesn't even get you high.
Jesus fucking christ
I...I just scrolled past like 90 Vicki Lawrenece pictures, all of them staring directly into my very soul. Why, Oops Pow Surprise? Why?
by Adam @ Black Heart Gold Pants on Feb 29, 2008 7:23 PM CST reply actions
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