Bob Bruce, Big Ten Insider

Bob: Hello again, Big Ten Readers! Welcome to a special edition of Big Ten Talkin'! I'm your intrepid host Bob Bruce! You may remember my Big Ten Insider Report! and my very special interview with the beefcake ballcoach Ron Zook! Today we have a very special guest in the studios, the webmaster, or should I say webmistress! of Black and Gold Pants! Say hello, Whitney!

Whitney: Hahaha, that's not what the website's called, but thank you!! Hi readers! Hi!

B: Now, people wouldn't normally think that a site like yours is run by a young lady like yourself, right?

W: Haha, what? That's crazy talk!

B: You're right! This is what gender equality is all about, folks! Let's get right into this, Whitney. What's your favorite bowl game?

W: Ummm... Well usually it's a cup instead of a bowl, but it's called circle of death, and you need a deck of cards, right? OMG, I get soooo wasted!

B: The, uh, Circle of Death... Bowl?

W: Well obviously the bowl can't be very big!

B: What?

W: Ummm, unless you want me to chug a mixing bowl of beer! Hello, I'm not that into getting fat! What do I look like, a ZTA?

B: Let's move on. Is Ohio State your Big Ten Big Surprise this year?

W: I... what do you mean? The state?

B: Hahaha, yes! Good catch! THE Ohio State University!

W: Oh, um, I dunno, did they win a lot of games? Why do you keep asking me about football? I don't get it.

B: Nice try! They warned me about your site. You're quite the jokester! Okay, Whitney. what would you like to talk about?

W: Okay, I was about to go to a date party with the Sigs last week so we were in my girl Allie's room, and--have you ever snorted vodka?

B: I'd like to answer that, but my producer's giving me the "don't answer that or you're going back to USWeekly" sign! We've got to take a break, but we'll be back!

(keep reading...)

(Sassy Tesh music fades in)

B: All right, let's take care of the promo stuff now. This is going good!

W: What stuff?

B: We always get pictures with our hosts and guests. It looks great for your portfolio. Say cheese!

B: Cheese! Haha! Be right back!

Producer: What's, uh... what's going on out there?

W: OMG, I was going to ask you the same thing, what is his deal?

P: Bob's deal? God, there's no good place to start. Nobody really knows why Bob is here at the BTN. He's never done sports before, and I don't think he could name a single football player if we didn't put cards in front of him. But he's good at reading questions, he's good at snappy answers, and he'll probably never go bald, so here he is. Whatever. I've seen koalas with more emotional depth than Bob.

W: Awww, koalas are cute!

P: Koalas are assholes. Can't say I blame 'em. Look, Bob's coming back. We need to talk football in the second half. I like screwing with him like you're doing, but--

W: But I don't want to talk football!

P: Whitney, nobody here does. It's our job. And it's yours too.

W: No, it's not!

P: Aren't you that black, gold, pants, person?

W: YES! That's what I've been tryin--

P: Okay, so it's a hobby, not a job. Whatever. WE'RE BACK IN TEN, FOLKS! (walks away)

(Sassy Tesh music fades back in, then out)

B: We're back with the lovely Miss Whitney and her gold pants--

W: NO! It's black pants! Look! They're black!

B: We prefer African-American! Just joshing you, Whitney. What do you think about the Michigan coaching search?

W: I don't care. It's stupid and they're stupid.

B: That's why we brought you on! So what do you think about the rumors that Bill Martin was out sailing instead of hiring a new coach that desperately wanted to come to Michigan?

W: I don't know what the hell you're talking about but that's seriously the dumbest thing ever. Like even dumber than this Halloween when I decided totally early like in September that I was going to go as a sexy kitty but then Makenzie comes up to me on like the 26th of October so like four days before our night out and she's all "I got these crazy cute kitty ears and I'm going to wear them" and you know that's so bullshit to do because I don't think there was anyone in the house that didn't know that I was totally planning a sexy kitty and I had the tail for it and everything, OMG it was soft and it stuck up in the air so it wouldn't drag on the bar floor and get all nasty and so since, like my site says, I have a heart of gold I decided that I would let Kenzie be a kitty too and I could just go as--"

B: Wait wait wait. Like your site says? I thought you were Black Heart, Gold Pants. For Iowa; you know, the colors.

W: Iowa? I go to Drexel.

B: But...

W: Bob, I run BlackPantsGoldHeart.com. It's for sorority sisters who are interested in the philanthropy side of Greek life.

B: Black pants?

W: You fucking moron, it's right there on my nametag! Look! BPGH!

(Producer cracks his clipboard over the factchecker's head.)

W: You should see our gallery on adopting highways! It's sooo gross, like when we see the jugs that people pee in and then toss out of their cars, like seriously who does that, so that's why we stick to the smaller highways because there's less trucks so we don't see that as much, and like it's still so nasty that you have to go right home and wash it off, and ugh, but it's totally part of what we do. See? Gold heart!

B: So you have no connection to Iowa football?

W: Not really.

(Producer is furiously searching for a power cord to pull out)

B: ...

W: ...

B: Thank God, I hate these interviews. So tell me more about your sisters!

W: Haha okay, so one of them, I promised her I wouldn't say her name but it rhymes with Mapril, she totally went down on a guy because he looked and acted like the guy from the Verizon Wireless commercials.

B: Hahahaha, can you blow me now?

W: Hahahahahaha!

B: Hahahahahaha! You're my favorite guest ever, Whitney!

(Sassy Tesh music fades in. Producer throws his shoe and hits Bob in the head. Lights fade out.)



(H/T: Cole Slaw Blog)