31-6

Alcoholic Daddy has suffered a severe relapse, folks. Last week was a good week, and this week was a very, very bad week.

Evidently, Ken O'Keefe got into the Seagram's and started downing gimlets like they were stem cells and he was Michael J. Fox. While we can certainly appreciate his tastes in tipple, perhaps a road game in which Iowa had three scholarship receivers dressed isn't the right opportunity for Christensen to throw the ball 40 times.

Sadly, though, we had to sit and watch in horror as Alcoholic Daddy stumbled through the door, punched the birthday clown, and screamed, "This is what you wanted!" over and over while the children cried. Except instead of a birthday party, it was a football game, but whatever.

If you really want to see institutionalized ineptitude, you'll be rooting for Iowa to come out in a spread formation this Saturday.

So said I before the Illinois game. Iowa stuck to their guns, fed AY the ball almost 30 times, and controlled the clock and pace of the game.

Such was not the case, unfortunately, against Purdue. No, while Christensen was flinging the ball all over the place, Young didn't touch the ball in the second half.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED! THE OFFENSE IS OPENED UP! WE'RE USING THE WHOLE FIELD! AAARRARRGHGHGHHH!!" O'Keefe yelled. And we, like poor, beaten, depressed young children, hung our heads in shame and blamed ourselves.

Let's get some coaches sent off in handcuffs or something. It's time to end the cycle of pain.