Joe Fermino Is an Undrafted Free Agent   Our friends at Hawkeye Hardwood, the only Iowa basketball message board we bother reading, have tackled the most interesting of off-season projects: An 8-team fantasy draft of post-1970 Hawkeyes.  The first round shook out as follows:

(1)  Roy Marble (of course)
(2)  Ronnie Lester (probably the only other potential first pick)
(3)  Acie Earl
(4)  Fred Brown (love him, but there's a better point guard on the board)
(5)  Andre Woolridge (yeah, that one)
(6)  John Johnson
(7)  Greg Stokes
(8)  B.J. Armstrong

Other recent notables:  Jess Settles went mid-second round, Reggie Evans, Greg Brunner, and Adam Haluska went in the third, Jeff Horner and Ricky Davis made it into the fourth, and Matt Gatens kicked off round six.  Generally well-researched and well-explained (though Greg Brunner was a real stretch), in marked contrast to what we do.

They May Take Our Appendicies, But They'll Never Take Our Freedom   Matt Gatens had an emergency appendectomy over the weekend and is out indefinitely.  And, by "indefinitely," we mean about a week:

"On Saturday night about midnight he started having stomach pains and he tried to sleep it off," Mike Gatens said. "He came over about 6 o’clock (Sunday) morning, and I kind of figured that’s what happened.

"We went to the hospital, he was in surgery from 11 to 1 and had it taken out."

Mike Gatens said Matt Gatens will be out at least a week from the Prime Time League....

"He won’t miss that much. He’ll play in a week or so," Mike Gatens said.

Good to hear everything went well, and we wish Matt a quick and painless recovery.

Footnotes   The Rivalry, Esq. has succumbed to the offseason doldrums and began a list of the Top 80 Reasons to Love the Big Ten.  Vastly underrated at #79?  The Big Ass Turkey Leg.  Shonn Greene and Matt Kroul spend a night on the town with Mark Sanchez.  Ed Orgeron says "LEMSDAY," regardless of age or gender.  John Daly wants you to cut the music so he can talk to the ladies.

[Bumped. Terrifying news. Also, WaterlooChazz can choke on a shit-filled tube sock.--OPS]

June 22, 2009

IOWA CITY   (AP) --   University officials today declined to comment when they were questioned about the possibility that another member of the mens' basketball team was preparing to transfer from the program.  Recent news reports from the Cedar Rapids Gazette had revealed that the appendix of star guard Matt Gatens had decided to discontinue involvement with Gatens and the team.

Over the weekend, Matt Gatens became the fourth member of the Gatens family whose appendix had decided to leave the state of Iowa for other opportunities.  Regarding rumors of a transfer, the appendix said, "I'm just not sure what my role with the team is.  During the Big Ten season, I got a lot of playing time.  Then, in April, it seemed like I didn't even see the floor.  On the trip to Greece, I was playing a lot again.  Now, I'm trying to get ready for the Prime Time League, but coach told me that I shouldn't exhaust myself there.  It's tough to figure out what the coaches want when they are so up-and-down about your minutes.  I guess you could say, I am sick and tired of it."

Iowa coach Todd Lickliter responded, "It is always darkest after midnight, but just before the sun shines.  I thought we were done with the transfers.  But, Gatens's appendix has made a decision, and I think the best thing for all of us is to respect his wishes.  I am very confident we can and will win with the players we have returning.  Jarryd Cole's knee is going to be a very productive player for us.  So will Cully Payne's back.  I would hope that the various body parts of our returning players see this as an opportunity to work harder and get more minutes for themselves."

Some of the other players were surprised by the impending transfer.  Hawkeye forward Aaron Fuller said "I was shocked.  On the other hand, I know that he (Gatens's appendix) and Jake Kelly's wrist were very close friends.  So maybe Kelly's transfer to Indiana State is part of the reason why he is leaving."

One former Hawkeye player was quick to voice his opinion from Carbondale, Illinois.  The ankle of Tony Freeman phoned this message to Iowa City media outlets:  "I told you so.  Maybe now people will see that the players, and their appendages, are not the problem."

When asked for a response to the comments of Freeman's ankle, Lickliter said only this:  "I won't get into an argument with former players through the media.  I will say that I think the players we have will keep working hard each day.  They want to do things we haven't done yet; they want to win at least 7 games in the Big Ten next year.  I believe we will get better day-by-day, and practice-by-practice.  That's how we do things here at Butle.....um, I mean Iowa."

Seriously though, get well soon Matt.  I can't bear the thought of Hawkeye Basketball right now without Matt Gatens.

- Tim Brewser meets with a group of recruits on the field at Kinnick North-Northeast -

   So, did you see the new locker room?
   Yeah, coach.  It sure is impressive.
   Everything is upholstered in leather and smells like Burt Reynolds.
   Our tour guide said you could fit every Gopher season ticket holder in that room.  Is that true, Coach Brew?
  Oh, Clarence.  You could WIN FIGHT TRY GOPHER BEST HATE LOSING EXCLAMATION POINT fit the extended family of every Gopher season ticket holder in that locker room.  Second cousins, even.
  Well, it sure is impressive, Coach.
  You boys have any questions for the Old Brew Coach?
  I guess we know about the program's history now, Coach.  You even took us to see the fake national championship trophy Minnesota had made for its part in a 4-way split national championship during the Eisenhower administration.
  Don't tell our fans that we split that championship with Iowa.  They'll go crazy.
  What I'm saying is, we know all about how Minnesota football used to be relevant.  What we don't know much about is your history, Coach.  For instance, what is your coaching record?
  113-61-1
   Ahem.
  Bless WIN FIGHT GOPHER you.
  Are all those here at Minnesota?
  No.  I used to coach the Denver Broncos.
  Ahem.
  I'm sorry, my secretary apparently has allergies.
  No, coach, I don't have allergies.  Can I talk to you for a second, in private?

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Insert Law & Order Sound Effect Immediately After This Story   The trial in the matter of Adrian Clayborn vs. Obnoxious Honking Cabbie has been continued to January 2010, at the request of Mr. Clayborn.  This is both completely expected and unquestionably good for the football team's fortunes: 

• Judges, particularly when dealing with a request from the defendant, are more likely than not to delay a trial; Cedric Everson's trial just got reset for November 2, more than two years after his initial arraignment (we'll get to the implications of that at another time).
• Ferentz has stood by Clayborn through this thing, to the point where he has steadfastly refused to suspend him (in marked contrast to some other situations).  We know very little about the details of what actually happened on that night, but the fact that the possibility of a suspension-inducing conviction is delayed until 2011 means Clayborn can continue to pulverize the skulls of opposing quarterbacks into a fine powder unabated, without any hinderance from the district court shenanigans of a clearly pantywaisted cabbie.

Caring Is Creepy   Iowa picked up a camp commitment this weekend from Austin Vier, a QB/ATH type from Ballard (the consolidated school district south of Ames).  Rivals, which hasn't gotten around to reviewing Vier yet, lists him at 6'7", 220.  That's the perfect build for an incoming tight end (as Morehouse speculates).

Apparently, Iowa was Vier's first offer, though he had received some interest from the usual suspects (Iowa State, Kansas State, Minnesota, etc.)  Clearly, he was planning on doing some summer traveling:

"I'm going to Missouri, Iowa State's prospect camp, Iowa State's padded camp, Iowa's padded camp, Nebraska's quarterback camp, Purdue's quarterback back, UNI's quarterback camp, Northwest Missouri State, South Dakota State, Minnesota State, and then I'm going to Colorado's Elite Camp and the Nike Combine out in Denver."

Um, Austin?  Minnesota State doesn't actually exist.  That was just a television show.

Normally, someone who was tailoring their workouts to look best at the meat markets camps and combines that consume the summers of soon-to-be high school seniors and mid-level collegiate coaches would concern me, but I feel much better when half the towns in the player's school district are named after Saved By the Bell characters.  Welcome to the fold, Austin.

Miscellany   Clay Travis says Notre Dame is losing money by staying independent; MGoBrian says not so fast.   Big Daddy Balls himself posts his legendary Father's Day diary.  They're only gone in the sense that they're writing elsewhere, but Godspeed The Realests.

In case you haven't noticed, I've been on sabbatical for the last month or so.  But let's cut the shit, I don't even know what the word sabbatical means.  If I had to guess I would say it was something Jewish.   OK, let's get serious. 

I'd like you all to take a moment to remember JR Koch.  He's not dead or anything, I was just reminded of him recently on a trip home to southeast Iowa, where the Busch Light flows like wine and the beautiful women instinctively flock like the Salmon of Capistrano. 

In case you've forgotten, JR Koch played forward for the Hawkeyes from 1995-99, ranked 5th in career blocked shots* and just happens to slightly resemble a certain infamous commie bastard:

Hair gel is for pussies, Dolph

Anyway, while back in Iowa I cleared some time in my schedule to visit the JR Koch Shrine, which is less a museum dedicated to his life and career as it is a tavern with his jersey hanging from the ceiling.

This is the closest I will ever come to doing research.

By the way, it's not just any bar.  It's the best only fucking bar in Keota.  More photo evidence after the jump...

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A screencap of the police arrest video

When I was in middle school, we took a field trip to the county courthouse for a civics class.  My class watched a civil lawsuit where two extremely large women were suing another driver for allegedly making them crash their moped.  The lawyer for the other driver quickly pointed out that the two women were more than 100 pounds over the 250 lb. listed weight limit for the moped.  The women got nothing.

Well, fat people on mopeds are about to get another day in court.  From the Chicago Tribune:

Police say Iowa offensive lineman Kyle Calloway was arrested early Saturday morning and charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated.

Calloway was arrested after officers stopped him while driving a moped into a barricaded area.

Police say Calloway was given a field sobriety and a breathalyzer test, which registered 0.106. The legal limit in Iowa is 0.08.

Iowa City Police Sgt. Mike Lord says Calloway cooperated with police and acknowledged he drank seven or eight beers.

Generally, OWI is no laughing matter.  But when you're a 300 lb. offensive lineman who picks one up (and ends your string of 25 consecutive starts) by knocking back a six-pack, barely cracking .10, and taking your moped off-roading through a construction zone (EDIT: past police cars responding to an accident, which might be even dumber), it's probably an exception to the rule.  So we're going to laugh and hope Marcus Zusevics is ready to start against UNI and the Clones.

We can only imagine what Calloway's night was like.  He was probably hanging with the diminutive Daniel Murray, just waiting for pizza:

"Vandervelde" Is Dutch for "Hamstring Pull"   Lost in all the kerfluffle over the media coverage of James Ferentz's reign of terror minor youthful indiscretions was the status of Julian Vandervelde, who may or may not be injured:

Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz said Tuesday that Iowa offensive lineman Julian Vandervelde hasn’t had surgery, but he also didn’t confirm or deny that the junior suffered some sort of training injury recently.

"He hasn’t had surgery," Ferentz said. "During the course of training, we’re going to have guys who get injured. If there’s an announcement to be made, we’ll make it. But right now, nothing pending."

There's smoke here, and I'm almost certain there's fire; Ferentz would dismiss this rumor if it were patently false.  Whether that fire will spread to August camp or (heaven forbid) the regular season is anyone's guess.  "No surgery" is a good sign, I suppose.

Morehouse, who broke this in the first place, speculates on the impact of a potentially-hobbled Vandervelde:

[I]s Iowa’s OL built to take this?

I want to say yes. There are a number of bodies who could play guard, including seniors Dace Richardson, Andy Kuempel and Dan Doering. Sophomore Adam Gettis might also be ready for prime time. This assumes senior Rafael Eubanks (or freshman James Ferentz) takes on the center spot. Vandervelde got a look there during spring ball. Kirk Ferentz said it wasn’t just a ceremonial deal.

Right guard appears to be the biggest question mark on the offensive line, but center isn't far off.  Some speculated that, with the resurrection of Dace Richardson at left guard, Vandervelde would move to center.  Any injury, regardless of its severity or duration, limits the amount of time Vandervelde could prepare for such a move, and makes the possibility of Eubanks or James Ferentz at center all the more likely.

All the Marbles   Michigan forward (and son of the all-time leading Iowa scorer) Roy Marble Jr. unofficially visited Iowa City this week, and walked away with a scholarship offer.  Marble has offers from Detroit, Providence (yeah, with that guy), and Buffalo, and interest from Michigan and MSU.  Marble Sr. indicated he's hoping for Iowa, but the decision is firmly in his son's hands.

Missed in most of the stories from this weekend (but expertly placed at the top by John Bohnenkamp) was the Marbles' encounter with Duez Henderson during a Prime Time League game:

Duez Henderson was lining up as a Prime Time League teammate was getting ready to shoot free throws.

Henderson looked at the first row of the bleachers underneath the basket and saw the man who is Iowa’s all-time leading scorer.

Henderson, a former Hawkeye, nodded, then glanced over at the man’s son.

"Hey, little Roy," he said, winking and smiling. "Hope to see you here soon."

Roy Marble Jr., grinned. So did his father.

The lesson: Duez Henderson is, was, and always will be cooler than any of us.

Caring is Creepy   The Harty Party reports 4-star Kansas running back Joseph Randle has Iowa on his short list and is planning a visit:

"I'll take an official visit to Iowa for sure," Randle said to GoPowercat.com, which covers Kansas State athletics.


"I want to be able to play early," Randle said. "I want to go somewhere where I can be developed as a player and I want a school with good and loyal coaches."

Randle also said he would like to attend a college that is within driving distance to his home in Kansas. He plans on making his campus visits during the football season.

Randle, who has offers from half of the Big XII among others, isn't anywhere near a decision; he's planning on taking visits during the fall.  That said, between this news and the gossip on other recruits, it looks to be a good year for recruiting.  That's the extent of my recruiting knowledge, and I feel somewhat fortunate for that.

Miscellany   The Big Ten Network is running another "Iowa Day" on Monday, with Tate to Holloway highlighting things at noon.  Maize n' Brew go after my #1 football pet peeve: Misdiagnosis of the end around.  Ron Zook, revolutionary?  And believe me: Nobody is better equipped for writing a story about a dry humping inflatable shark than Oops Pow Surprise.

We're a little upset this isn't celebrated as an anniversary, but apparently, the UI athletic department was (metaphorically) firebombed to hell 12 years ago. During a fundraiser.

We're not giving away the answer yet--although if you're over 30 or have read the Hlog today, you already know--but it prompted this surreal recap in the Daily Iowan, featuring one of the single finest two-sentence stretches in journalistic history, helpfully boldtagged for your convenience:

About 80 percent of the 1,300-person audience left during [his] performance, said UI Men's Athletic Director Bob Bowlsby, who was among those who walked out. Athletic department officials contemplated pulling [him] off stage, said Rick Klatt, UI assistant athletic director for external affairs. However, most of the audience members who remained laughed and applauded [his] routine.

[He] frequently used the word "fuck," described his own masturbation habits and offered his opinions on anal sex between homosexual men. His jokes about women having sex with pigs also appeared to offend the audience. As parents led their teenage children out of the auditorium, [he] said, "What do you want me to talk about -- losing my luggage at the airport?" and, "What did they expect, for me to hold up a picture of Yassir Arafat and make a joke?"

"[His] performance was anything but comedy," Bowlsby said. "It was profane, vulgar, and off-color. The last thing I want to do is to suppress anybody's First Amendment rights, but I feel his material is inappropriate in the majority of venues in America."

So who is it and why are we talking about it now?

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