(It should probably be said straightaway, since this point was lost on several readers when this bombshell first dropped--we're not blaming the UI for the alleged sexual assault or issuing guilty verdicts to Everson and Satterfield. That's what the courts are for. This is about what happened after the allegation.)

(Also, just like before, we don't have to like Sally Mason to love the Hawkeyes.)

In the UI's first real response to the sexual assault report coming out (rich people in a room talking to each other is not a real response), University President Sally Mason fired two key figures in the bungled Everson/Satterfield sexual assault case. Mason announced that she asked for resignations from VP for Student Affairs Philip Jones and VP for Legal Affairs/General Counsel Marc Mills. When both declined (hmm), Mason fired them. And, as Bellanca smartly notes, two days before her review in front of the Regents (hmm hmm hmm).

Jones and Mills were both heavily criticized in the Stolar Report for their roles in Iowa's handling of the now-infamous sexual assault accusations. Most of the flak Jones took was for telling the alleged victim's mother in no uncertain terms that he had never heard of the alleged victim or the case... about a month after his office was notified of both. Also, once apprised, Jones addressed the rampant harrassment the alleged victim was encountering with... emails. 11 of 'em. No follow-ups. No face-to-face meetings. Just emails.

Meanwhile, Mills comes across as every bit the secretive sleaze we feared, readily admitting he told the UI to withhold documents in the initial internal review of the UI's handling. Curiously, the lead investigator of the Stolar Report declined to regard such behavior as evidence of a coverup, leading to Mike Garnter's incredulous reaction:

"The general counsel failed to turn over documents for no justifiable reason," Gartner said, seeking clarification from Stolar. "What is a cover-up if there was a regents investigation by Tom Evans and there were relevant documents not turned over for no justifiable reason?"

Bryant replied, "I don't call it a cover-up, but it was certainly inappropriate."

Bryant, of course, is arguing on semantics without answering the question. Scarcely the behavior you'd want from the lead investigator of a case like this (especially when his reasoning is "Mills didn't try to hide it"), but there's no sense in chasing shadows here. Mills is gone.

Again, though, the timing seems curious, since all the behavior in question happened months and months ago.  At this point, Mason's decision to axe Mills and Jones sends more of a "how dare you get caught!" message than anything else; when the mother directly contacted Mason, it necessitated that a head-in-the-sand reaction from Mason was the only way for her to not become acutely aware of the case. In other words, Mason would have had to actively tried not to know Mills was both the liaison for the family and in charge of overseeing the investigation in progress, neither of which was (according to the Stolar Report) remotely appropriate. While claiming a lack of awareness may technically absolve her from blame for Mills' ridiculous role in the investigation, it certainly doesn't say much for her administrative competence.

Does Mason stay employed sitting in front of the Regents later this week? Probably. Her future depends on two things:

1) That the Regents' bloodlust was sated with Mills' and Jones' firings;

2) That she can convince the Regents that she had little to no role in Mills' decision not to turn over documents related to the case in March during the first investigation.

Being that the Regents are hardly purveyors of Robespierrean justice, we're confident in her ability to accomplish both of the above tasks. After all, if she's using consultants to frame a statement to the UI community that they're aware of a sexual assault that happened a month prior, you know she's a goddamn valedictorian in their "how to keep from getting fired in a scandal" class by now.

But at the end of the day, when the last guillotine has dropped and all investigations are closed, we're worried that everybody's going to take stock of the situation, realize the extent of the institutional incompetence, see Mason still on the UI throne, and ask themselves...

"How in the hell does she still have a job?"

Hey, Cyclone fan? Listen up, I'm about to tell you what's happening this weekend. Make no mistake, you're powerless to stop it, so don't despair, but it will be more satisfying if you know in advance so here you go, mother fucker.

I'm coming to Ames this weekend and I'm bringin' hell with me. We're going to join the rest of the Iowa fans (which will number near 50,000) and we will tailgate at your asphalt shitbucket of a stadium. There will be booze, flip cup (instructions included since you don't even know what it is you fucking douchebags), and fun. After the tailgate, we will go in to watch the game which will be a beating like you haven't suffered at our hands since the days of Fry. But this isn't about that, it's about this. I'm going to fuck your momma.

After the game, I will bid farewell to my friends, leave the stadium, and go to your worst bar, most likely the Whiskey River. I will belly up, drink 7 bourbons (neat), and I will look into the dingy corner where your momma will be seated. When I'm good and soused, I will stroll over and proceed to flirt with her like Peter O'Toole on a dare. I will tell her stories of passion and warfare. I will grin, lightly caress her hip, and when the time is right, I'll show her the irresistible dimple on the right side of my face and I will guide her out of the basement lounge where she drinks away the disappointment of your existence.

I will take her to dinner at Hickory Park and tell her to order anything she likes from the right side of the menu. I will regale her with tales of joy, life and love. I will lift her spirits to dangerous heights she has not experienced since the day before your conception. I will butter her muffins, wipe the gravy from her Rosacead chin with my kerchief, and I will allow her to order an after dinner toddy. As I guide her from the log cabin restaurant with my mighty paw at the small of her sweaty back she will dreamily say, "I feel just like Elizabeth Taylor" and I will reply, "you smell like White Diamonds, darling".

We will then travel to your childhood home where she still resides. Along the way I will engage her in flirty talk drenched in enough Bond-like sexual innuendo that her dusty britches will be on the verge of spontaneously combusting. We will enter your childhood home and glide down the hallway into your room. I will put on a Mac Davis record, tell her to slip into something more comfortable (and polyester), and I will turn down your piss stained sheets. When she returns smelling of desperation, lust, and rank Tabu she will clumsily crawl into your John Deere tractor bed. She will attempt to make provocative sex sounds like a heated stray cat but I will shush her briskly, dim the lights, and I will walk over to your childhood dresser (which still has photos of Fred Hoiberg and Johnny Orr displayed proudly with your 4-H medals). I will then open your top drawer and empty 8 pints of Hawkeye whiskey onto your socks. I will piss with a fury the likes of which have never been seen. When the last trickle of bourbon, beer, and human waste flows from my loins, onto your socks, and splashes onto the floor, I will laugh a hearty laugh, turn to your momma, and I will say, "suck on that, Cyclone momma." I will then leave her there in your childhood bed, go back to the bar, and tell this story to your daddy, who will still be seated at the table polishing off the pitcher of warm Miller Lite I left behind.
See you Saturday, mother fucker.

Those of you following the "controversy" over at the Gazoo (we'd have mentioned it this week if we weren't just the CUTEST little birthday kids) know that Mike Hlas and Scott Dochtermann, two of the finest sportswriters in the state, were officially PUT ON NOTICE by the University after liveblogging the Maine Event. Seriously:

Before Iowa football coach Kirk Ferentz’s press conference Tuesday, a notice was handed out to media members detailing the NCAA’s absurd blogging policy from its sporting events.

Here is that policy:

Each Credential Holder (including television, Internet, new media, and print publications) has the privilege to blog (e.g., real-time or time delayed journal entries) during competition through the credential entity. All blogs must be free of charge to readers. All must adhere to the conditions and limitations of this NCAA Blogging Policy. A blog description includes in-competition updates on score and time remaining and a description of the competition taking place during the given time. The NCAA and host institution shall be the final authority on whether a credential holder or credential entity is followingn the NCAA Blogging Policy.

Basketball/Football: Five times per half; one at halftime, two times per overtime period.

OK, what’s causin’ all this commotion? I dunno, but maybe Gazetteonline.com’s liveblogging sessions hosted by Scott Dochterman and myself from the Maine-Iowa game may have irked someone, somewhere. Why? Who knows? Dochterman was doing a lot of play-by-play, so maybe they didn’t like that. Maybe they didn’t like me allowing outsiders to come in and make occasionally catty remarks? Maybe the Big Ten Network or Learfield or some suit at Iowa just didn’t like what they saw.

Well, the Wiz and Mr. Hlas are happy to report that the draconian restrictions have been lifted:

TO: Iowa Media

FROM: Phil Haddy

RE: Blogging Policy September 5, 2008

Upon further review The University of Iowa Athletics Department has decided to suspend its blogging policy for the coming year. The NCAA policy applies only to post-season championships. Iowa has supported that policy for a number of years in its regular season events. We still have strong concerns and questions about this media phenomenon and the effect it will have on our media partners. We’ll continue to study the situation and let you know which direction the University will proceed in the future.

Uh, thanks guys. While BHGP will be staying far, far away from press boxes on gameday, we are quite certainly affected by this policy, as we do watch games on TV with a computer nearby. And as long as the Big Ten Network employs guys who don't really get that pass interference penalties are only 15 yards in college (the Iowa-Maine guy fucked that up twice... in the first quarter) and are otherwise incompetent boobs, we'll take all the complementary coverage we can get, thank you.

Oh, and so we're perfectly clear on this, per Hlas:

Iowa’s stance is it doesn’t want to see primarily play-by-play in the live blogging sessions because of its broadcast rights.

Liveblogs are not a replacement for broadcast coverage, they are complementary. Liveblogs suck from a play-by-play standpoint. Even at the height of efficiency in play-by-play liveblogging, it still pales in comparison to the GameCast type services by ESPN, Yahoo, etc. etc., all of which are already available online and totally free of charge. Banning a reporter from typing that same information into a box if he's in the press box serves no purpose other than needless, ineffectual posturing.

The small traffic that these liveblogs garner is not an unrelated point. While it's worth mentioning on its own that the media footprint of these broadcasts is scarcely, if at all, diminished by blogs, that fact is likely a direct result of the obvious, crushing inferiority of a liveblog to any other live medium. Hell, you want to do your broadcast partners a favor? Allow all the liveblogging and mandate that every half-hour, the bloggers mention the Learfield Radio Network and whatever station's televising the game. Such a rule might not even be necessary; I've been asked multiple times while liveblogging on Fanhouse what channel a certain game's on.

But don't give us this ominous "strong concerns and questions about this media phenomenon and the effect it will have on our media partners" baloney. I haven't seen or heard a single excuse, much less actual evidence, to suggest that liveblogs coming from anywhere, inside or out of the press box, have any effect on a broadcaster's coverage of a game. What is it, Coach Gundy?

Once more: this is complementary coverage. If someone has a computer and the internet, they can already find scores as they happen. People--and not many of them--read liveblogs because they want to hear a certain person's opinion of the action that they're already following. Denying newspaper writers this privilege only accelerates the downfall of the sportswriting industry into obselescence and Marriotti-esque LOOKATME histrionics.And while we New Media types sort of enjoy that spectacle, it's behavior that makes the "Sports Information Department" look downright Orwellian.

The Internet is a place for people of all ages to express themselves in total anonymity, breaking down the healthy inhibitions that a normal life in public would cultivate. For the already aggressively ignorant masses in Columbus, this is a horrifically bad thing. If Minnesota is the North Korea of the Big Ten and Michigan Russia, then Ohio State is undoubtedly the entire Middle East, deadset in their righteousness and virulently attacking their opposition into submission. Fortunately, they've even got their own Al-Jazeera; in this case, it's Eleven Warriors, or 11W. While they're obviously pro-OSU, they do so in a reasoned, informative fashion. In fact, we don't think they use the word "Meatchicken" at all, which is a proud step forward for Ohio State and college football as a whole. 11W founder Jason is a friend of the program here (commenter eleventy), and we're happy to have him swing by for a quick minute.

So, Jason, what does BHGP mean to you?

BHGP means we'll never make it to our peaceful deaths without seeing octogenarians fellating each other -- a goal we had all set early on in life.  They are also the only three guys around that think Mitch King is a 'classy guy' and 'wears cool clothes'.  Above that, they are further proof that, though your team may be terrible, your blog doesn't have to follow suit.  Congratulations gents.

Thanks Jason! We'd like to point out that the above paragraph came attached with the following instructions: "Feel free to chop/dice, whatever." Gladly!

So, "Jason," what does BHGP really mean do you?

we'll make peace seeing octogenarians fellating each other

Thanks, "Jason!" You've confirmed what Carl Monday knew all along: Ohio State fans are perverts. Stop having sex with yourself in public!

New FanHouse post up here, and we're pretty proud of it, for obvious reasons (namely, being 12 years old on the inside). But it actually ran late last night... for about five minutes. It was quickly yanked (heee!) and subjected to stern, very stern, this is serious business mister! review.

But we're givers, and we're here to give you romance... and balls a BHGP Exclusive: The Unrated, Uncut, UNSANE version of Smelley Cocks. Enjoy.

Smelley, Cocks Looking For Pay Dirt

Good news for South Carolina: your Cocks are getting Smelley:

After an outstanding performance in relief last week, [Chris] Smelley will get the start Thursday night in the No. 24 Gamecocks' SEC opener at Vanderbilt, which defeated Smelley and South Carolina last year.

[Steve] Spurrier decided to go with Smelley for the SEC opener after [Tommy] Beecher couldn't practice Monday because he couldn't lift his non-throwing shoulder.

As the Good Doctor pointed out, Smelley's resume is as skid-marked, if not moreso, than Tommy Beecher's; Smelley took liberties with the proverbial pooch in the aforementioned Vandy loss last year, which blocked the Cocks' conference title aspirations.

But to be fair, this is a new year, and in this new year the Gamecock offense grundled to a halt for three quarters before Smelley roasted the place like a Dutch Oven. Directing three consecutive touchdown drives, Smelley turned a 13-0 stinker into a 34-0 steamer. Steve Spurrier definitely knew the writing was smeared on the wall. Remember, is the The Old Ball Coach, which means if there's one thing this coach knows, it's balls.

Old Balls.

Those Old Balls have been flung around all over the place during Spurrier's reign as head coach, and his offensive explosions have long been the stuff of legend. Smelley will take those 11-inch balls--that's the regulation size in the NCAA--and send them deep, to the left or right, or even right at his favorite tight end, squeezed into seemingly impossibly tight spaces.

It's what the Old Balls Coach does better than anybody.

And that's why Chris Smelley is your top Cock.

Penis.

8========D

There's no need in divulging the email discussion that ensued, but suffice it to say that any time you get a bigshot to use the phrase "Ascii art of genitalia" in stylistic discussions, you win.

Penis.

For as much as we don't care for the state of Minnesota, its colleges, or its residents, the UM program has two scintillatingly good bloggers in its fold. It was either Keats or En Vogue who said, "Free your mind/the rest will follow/Be colorblind/don't be so shallow." And while we won't open up our minds to accept the Northern Menace on its own terms, we will allow very limited communication from the Union's Pyongyang for the purposes of our celebration.

So, Daily Gopher, what does BHGP mean to you?

Two words... Lemon Party.

Sir, we believe you mean Leman Party, as we would never endorse a political candidate who doesn't love America enough to wear its signature hairstyle (mullet) and neckwear (American tie). And we really have no idea why you would associate an Alternative Affection website (all links SFW) with us. No idea.

In any event, thanks, Daily Gopher!

With all due respect to our brother Card Chronicles, the finest Big East blog in all the land is unquestionably Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician, a fixture on any college sports fan's reader list. Updated tirelessly by MariusJanulisForThree, and we doubt that's his real name, TNIAAM is everything a team-specific sports blog should be: informative, thorough, hilarious, and biased as fuck. Start reading it daily. You won't be disappointed.

So, TNIAAM, what does BHGP mean to you?

That there's someone out there who's going to remind me about this godforsaken goal line stance for the rest of my blogging days.  Happy Anniversary, ya bastard.

Thanks, Mr. ForThree! And for what it's worth, when we think Syracuse and YouTube, we think this:

 The tailback missed 4 weeks with a vaporized skull.

 NOTE: Background here.

SpartyMSU's Brew Crew assembled (It's not Really a Brew Crew, because Drinking Beer might get uis included in the "Party School' List...And We know wE don't want THAT...)...Lets...get this party STARTED!!!!1!  On the discussion board is: The impending Martian invasion of Earth.

Found this Pic on the InterNet...Don't know who she is Talking too...But it looks HOT!!!

For the rest of Planet Earth...It's a Day of Death and Destruction.....but For Sparty....it's A Day For Tail Gate PARTEYS and Another Victory...........

Sparty Should be UNdefeated when The Martians invade...Theyre Victories Include Florida Atlantic...Eastern Muchigan...Iowa...Minnesota...scUM (YEAH!!!!!).....Cleveland Browns....1985 Chicago Bears....Al-Qaeda.....Soviet Russia.......and The Persians at Thermopylae (We ARE SpARTA!!!!!!!!!!!).....!!!..........

Last time The MArtians Invased....We Didnt no What two do...Tom Crews Ran away from teh Alien Invaders....for To Hours......until...they....got sick and Died!!!  The MARTUANS who Survived Were Arrested and THROWN IN JAIL!!!...LOL FULLMER CUP......

For This Invasion...the Key Player is Clearly Emperor Zornok....He is the Cheif Military GenEral for the Martins...If Sparty stops Him...They Stop teh INVASION..............

Zornok will Probably...Use His Foot soldiers too attack teh Countryside...and save...his Spacecrafts...For teh Cities.....We Should take to the Hills like the Wolverines...WOLVERINES!!!!!!!(They should have been Spartans I hate teh Wolverines scUM)........

Our military will Be no Match for The Martians in the Cities....There Flying Saucers Have Force Fields.....two Protect Them...The war Will Be one or loss in EL...where Sparty will fite a Gorilla War Fair!!!We will bee The Only SURVIVORS of This Battle...because Or Gorilla Tack Ticks will Force The Aliens to Make a Truce or Face Am-Bush every day.....................Eventually We Will "B" SLAVES of the Martians...

I WelcomE Our New MARTIAN OVERLORDS!!!  I Was Giddy to get a Picture With Zornok.....Can U Say Man Crush???.....You Can See Where I Spilled My Beer (YEAH RIGHT IT WAS SKIM MILK) Trying to Get teh Picture...This Martian Is Freek In Awesome!!!!!!!! I hope i Become his Slave...

ZORNOK will give a Speech in a PAcked Spartan Stadium...It will feel Like Home-coming....Sparty Gets a Late Field Goal and remains un-defeated...

Spartans 657 - Martians 0

Sparty On!!!!

Despite their blatant ripoff of Southern Cal flashy new uniforms, Iowa State is once again having a little trouble selling tickets.  Most programs encounter similar problems, especially with games against perennial doormats like Missouri, Texas A&M, and Nebraska.

Fortunately, ISU Athletic Director Jamie Pollard is a marketing wizard.  After all, what does the typical Iowa State fan like more than free jalapeno poppers?

It’s called the "Applebee’s Mini-Pack" promotion and for only $99 each, Iowa State football fans can receive ...

• A reserved seat ticket to three Cyclone home games this fall (either South Dakota State or Kent State, Nebraska and either Texas A&M or Missouri)

A gift certificate worth $20 to use at any Applebee’s restaurant in the state of Iowa

Wait, wait.  It gets better.

"[W]e thought this was a great way to provide an inexpensive opportunity for fans to attend several Cyclone football games and have a night out at Applebee’s," Director of Athletics Jamie Pollard said. "It’s a very affordable price point, includes a bonus gift certificate and offers flexibility for fans to choose the games they want to see. That’s tough to beat."

One might think...just wait a second...no, no, I'm a pro, I'll keep a straight face...I...can...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ah!  Whew!  OK, I'm fine.  One might think Applebee's...is...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

OK [wipes tears from eyes], really, I'm done.  Now, one might think an Applebee's promotion makes perfect sense.  After all, it is where Gene Chizik waitresses during his summer vacation.  However, Chizik didn't exactly leave Applebee's on the best of terms.

Chizik nickels don't count toward your flair requirement

There's only one explanation: Jamie Pollard is perpetrating a fraud on the unsuspecting Iowa State fan base.  After all, if you see something too good to be true - like free Applebee's gift cards - it's probably a scam.  You're being had, Iowa State fans.  Here's some tips for protecting yourself from fraudulent university administrators: 

• If you receive an email from your AD where he claims to be the heir to the throne of Nigeria, it's not real.  Don't give him money. 
  
• If Jiri Hubalek offers to marry you, he's only trying to get a green card.
• If Darren Davis attempt to squeegee your car's windshield, tell him to get off the sauce.

OPS has weighed in over at AOL Fanhouse because, frankly, this deserves two posts.

And, in all seriousness, for you Iowa State fans demanding respect from Iowa, you will get respect when you stop stealing I-Cubs promotional gimmicks to sell tickets to your three biggest home games.

T/F/J: Frank Grimes at the Hawkeye Hotspot

Before we get to the suspension talk, two quick matters of business:

1) Take the NCAA Official's Exam! It's quick and easy! (NOTE: both lies.) Dennis Dodd did (46%), then SMQ did (55%), then I did (55% again). It's long, so carve out a good hunk of time, but you can always save your progress if you feel like doing more with your lunch hour than figuring out when the clock starts on a forward fumble out of bounds on 3rd down when there's a chop block behind the play. Yeah. Seriously, though, as footballdorkery goes, you're hard-pressed to top this. Scores go down below in the comments, and we'll be here to laugh at discuss results with you along the way.

2) Your soundtrack for the week is courtesy of the inimitable Girl Talk, whose new CD Feed The Animals can be legally downloaded for any amount of money, even $0.00. It's like In Rainbows, except you can dance to it. And you will be dancing to it by the end of the 1st track.

Okay, let's talk suspensions. No, nobody's in trouble (that we know of). [So that was an intentionally misleading headline.--ed.] [Maybe.--OPS] [Great, thanks for making me show up for no reason.--ed.] [But it's your freaking job!--OPS] [Whatever. I'm going back to the beach.--ed.] Anyway, we're talking about the upcoming release of NCAA Football 2009, the finest video game franchise that doesn't involve plumbers on mushrooms or shooting policemen in the face.

Not for now, anyway. And we'd like to change that.

You see, during season and dynasty gameplay, your players are susceptible to disciplinary problems that require suspensions lasting anywhere from a quarter to a season. Go too far under the recommended suspension, and the NCAA takes away scholarships or something. It's a neat feature, until your star tailback "sleeps through a film session" and you're supposed to take him out for 3 weeks.

The real problem, though, is the nature of the offenses. They're all about team rules and only team rules. Guys are skipping class or cheating on tests or yapping at their position coach or whatever. Nobody ever gets arrested! Call us products of the Iowa system, but in the name of EA's quest for hyperrealism, it's imperative that they start getting some guys in real trouble.

Now, obviously you don't want your 13-year old asking, "Mom, what's 'aggravated sexual assault with a meat tenderizer' mean?", but come on, can't someone commit wire fraud or something? Surely your cornerback can key his professor's car. And don't act like there's one kid in America who doesn't know what "grand theft auto" means anymore. It's time for the real world. On that note, we'd like to propose a few suspensions for EA, and guys, we'll just talk royalties later.

Your offensive coordinator says he was recently robbed at knifepoint by DE #93*. Normally this is "no big deal," but his daughter's now in the hospital with a perforated stomach and you haven't sprung for staff health insurance since 2001.
Suspend: 2 quarters

You got a call on your cell phone last night, and OLB #55 is in Tijuana without his pants--or his passport. OLB #55 isn't talking, but his probation clearly prohibits leaving the country.
Suspend: 2 games

QB #19 went to a local tavern and drank enough alcohol to kill a Clydesdale. While stumbling home, he punched and actually did kill a Clydesdale. While in jail, he missed a mandatory tutoring session.
Suspend: One game

A regional scout for a popular recruiting website has gone missing, and authorities are asking you about statements made by LG #62, who was upset that he was dropped to three stars after injuring his ankle during his senior year of high school. While you agree that scouting websites are complete and total bullshit, LG #62 did track in bloody footprints when he came to practice last week.
Suspend: No internet for a week

WR #80 has contributed money to the Democratic National Committee.
Suspend: Gitmo

FS #12 committed grand theft pachyderm after stealing an African elephant from the local zoo and walking it down your town's main streets. The property damage from errant elephant waste is estimated to be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Suspend: None

DT #66 was arrested for placing a mixture of cane sugar, flour, and finely crushed table salt into small baggies and marketing them as "woozies" or "flapsmackers." Authorities are investigating UrbanDictionary.com to figure out if DT #66 is pretending to sell drugs or simply wears his IQ on his jersey.
Suspend: Scholarship to business school

*NOTE: The numbers and positions were picked at random. In no way are we suggesting that certain current members of the Iowa football team are more likely to, say, break into the public golf course at 2 AM and use a stolen street light as a driver. But if they're looking for a sweet Wednesday night activity, well, there you go.