(Sorry for the delay.  We were waiting for this set piece to be ready.  We present today's Marchifornication finale without commercial interruption.)

When we last left Marchifornication...

/opens cell phone
/takes off mask
beep boop beep
It's done.  Pull the trigger.

You got it.  I'm ready.
Good.
And then we'll split the title?
I'm OK with a co-championship if you are.
OK?  It would be the first I've ever won!
Good.  Make it happen.

This will show those two frat boys.  Marchifornication will finally be mi...
WEEEOOOOOWEEEEEOOOOOOWEEEEEEOOOOO
Hold it right there, KOKaine!
Commissioner Breadman!  No!
After an 18-day investigation that inexplicably took place over the course of a one-sentence phone call, you're under arrest for the murder of Ricky Stanzi by Hartylanche and the premature demise of AIRBHG and Matt Gatens.
Your Marchifornication days are through!
But...but...I was so close...I was going to...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Meanwhile, in Ames, Iowa...

You got it.  I'm ready.
Good.
And then we'll split the title?
I'm OK with a co-championship if you are.
OK?  It would be the first I've ever won!

Good.  Make it happen.
click

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You should've seen it, Coach!  You really should've seen it!
First I caught him with a left
And then I tagged him with a right.
Then I stepped back, and I remembered that it wasn't November, so I hit him with a bomb!
Pakimomb THAT, right?
That's great, Ricky.  Congratulations.
The voters came through, too.  I won in a landslide!
A WHAT?
A landslide.  You know, a rout.  A blowout.  An avalanche.
DID YOU SAY AVALANCHE?
Yeah, it's a figure of speech, Coach.
Oh, um...heh heh.  Sorry.  I just misheard you.
Is everything OK, Coach?
Yeah, yeah, of course.  Everything is fine.
Could you please stand over there, Ricky?  It's...it's for a picture or something

Over here?
Yeah, right over there.  Just stand still.
Where's the photographer?
He's hidden.  Parks Department regulations.
rumble
What was that?
Oh, I'm sure it was nothing.  Just stand there for a few more seconds...
rumble van coleman rumble

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THE SECOND SEED: RICKY STANZI

How He Got Here: Defeated DJK 523-283.  Defeated Fran McCaffery 425-236.  Woke up with a visitor.

THE FIFTH SEED: CAPTAIN AMERICA HERKY

How He Got Here: Defeated Matt Gatens Legacy by Montreal Screwjob.  Defeated AIRBHG by impotence meltdown.  Might not be the actual Captain America Herky.

Final Four, baby!
Only two more wins and Marchifornication is mine!
It wouldn't be possible without this costume
Well, this costume and my senior advisor, the mysterious Birk Berentz.
Speaking of which, I need my strategy.  Time to dial up Birk.
beep beep boop beep boop
Please hold while your call is being connected
HEY SOUL SISTER AHHHH MISTER MISTER ON THE RADIO THE WAY YOU MOVE AIN'T FAIR YA KNOW
cough
Hello?
Birk!  It's Paki!
...who?
Paki!  Paki O'Meara!  You know, Pakibomb goes boom?
Oh, yeah...um, Paki. Right.
Yeah!  Hey!  It's Final Fournication today!  Where have you been?
Oh, um, I've...well, I've just been really busy.
Well, what's our strategy for beating Stanzi?
Strategy?  I don't really have a strategy for you, Paki.
What am I supposed to do?
You can beat Stanzi legitimately.  No problem.  Just go at him straight-up.  You'll be fine.  We'll meet up afterwards.
click
But...
But...

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Scene: The American Gladiators Arena

 Welcome to Gladiator Arena.  I'm Mike Adamle.
 And I'm Todd Christensen.
We have a very special edition of American Gladiators for our viewers today, Todd.
That's right, Mike.  We've had great matchups in the past.  Pro wrestlers against pro boxers.
Retired baseball players against current golfers.
Ohio State grads versus Michigan alums.
Heck, just look at us.  Northwestern and BYU.
If we faced off, the winner would probably be "3 Bud Lights"
LOL
LOL
But never before have we had two members of a presidential ticket face off against each other in Gladiator Arena.
Never, that is, until today.
That's right, Todd.  Today we will see Freedom Party presidential nominee Ricky Stanzi compete against his own running mate, J Leman.

Meanwhile, in the locker room...

I don't know if I can do this, Coach.
I mean, J's my friend.  He's my protector.  He saved me from a Korean prison.
How am I supposed to tackle him?  How am I supposed to joust him? 
How can I possibly beat him?
You will beat him because you are a competitor, Ricky.
I have trained you for this.
I have taken you from scrawny kid to Marchifornication champion.

The shadowy figure emerges...

You will do this for me, Ricky.  You will do this because you have no other choice.

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HOT, SWEATY SEMIFINAL ACTION. GET SOME.

THE #1 SEED: BLOODPUNCH BARTA

Round 1: Defeated Gila Ben, 469-72

THE #5 SEED: DINOSAUR RACECARS

Round 1: Defeated Brennan Cougill 563-247

Well, we've got ourselves quite a contest today. Bloodpunch, Dinosaur Racecars, I assume you all recognize the stakes involved.

I do, your honor

 I am not a judge. Please don't.

 and I would like to submit my request to have this vote dismissed on the grounds that under University of Iowa athletic guidelines, it is no longer valid.

 Oh word?

RARARRRGARGHGHH??

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THE #1 SEED: ANGRY IOWA RUNNING BACK HATING GOD

Round 1: Defeated rhabdo 521-63

THE #5 SEED: CAPTAIN AMERICA HERKY

First Round: Defeated Matt Gatens Legacy by Montreal Screwjob.

 RISE AND SHINE
WHAT DAY IS IT?
OH RIGHT IT'S TAKE OUT SOME IOWA RUNNING BACKS DAY
ALSO KNOWN AS TUESDAY
OH LOOK A PRESS CONFERENCE

In Iowa City, Kirk Ferentz takes questions before the open of spring practice.
A bearded man stands in the back next to Captain America Herky.

Yes, Jon, I suppose I agree that I'm really awesome.  Next question.
  I have a follow-up question, Coach Awesome.
  Are you the coolest coach in the world?
  I...I don't know, Jon. I don't even use Twitter or anything. Does anyone have a serious que...
  I have a follow-up question, Coach Fonzie.
  Do you know anything about non-compete agreements?
  OK, any real questions?
  Coach, I have a question...
  Now, Paki!
  /punches number into cell phone
  MORE HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR STREET MORE HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR
  I'm sorry, Coach.  That's mine.  I'll be right back.
  Mas Casa. Como esta?
  Follow the Pakileaks.
  Follow the what?
  Follow the Pakileaks.  Twitter dot com slash Pakibomb.
  /hangs up

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THE #2 SEED: RICKY STANZI

Round 1: Defeated DJK 520-282.

THE #3 SEED: FRAN McCAFFERY

Round 1: Defeated JoePa 525-282.

For the semi-finals of Marchifornication we have arranged a special Wunderlic-to-the-Death for Stanzi and Franzi. What follows is an excerpt of the questions and their muttered comments recorded during the test. Some of the expletives have been altered to meet the strict family-friendly standards of BHGP.

1. A physical education class has three times as many girls as boys. During a class basketball game, the girls average 18 points each, and the class as a whole averages 17 points per person. How many points does each boy score on average?

STANZI: Well, everyone knows America averages an awesomeness level of 18, and that it has roughly three times as many people as France; let's say we combined the two countries [shudders] and they had an awesomeness level of 17... then, there would be 300 million Americans times 18 and 100 million times some unknown quantity ... 14!

FRAN: The boys in MY FRANNING CLASS are averaging MOTHERFRANNING 17points per game compared to the FRANDAMN GIRLS?!?! Judas FRANNING Priest! Unless Margaret is in that class CROSSING MOTHERFRANNERS up, there is no FRANDAMN WAY that is happening! The right answer's not on here, so I'll just write it in: RUN FRANNING LAPS!

2. Randolph has 8 ties, 6 pairs of pants, and 4 dress shirts. How many days could he possibly go without wearing the same combination of these three items?

STANZI: Ah, this must refer to Edmund Randolph, governor of Virginia and delegate to the Constitutional Convention. It's well known that Governor Randolph would go "nine-score and twelve" days without changing his cravat or pantaloons, so ... 192.

FRAN: I think Randolph needs to get his FRANNING PRIORITIES STRAIGHT! I have one tie (gold), one pair of pants (black) and 1 dress shirt (white), and I GET FRAN DONE JUST FINE. You think I don't SWEAT during GAMES, RANDOLPH!? It's called MARTI-FRANNING-NIZING! I work off more calories FRANNING CURSING than that FRANNING FISHMAN Michael Phelps does swimming! I have to eat a can of Betty Crocker frosting after games just so I don't go into FRANNING COMA! So the answer is easy: that FRANHOLE Randolph could go ONE DAY before FRAN TOOK A FRANDAMN HEDGE-CLIPPERS TO HIS PRECIOUS SUPER-FRANNING-FLUOUS TIES! [breaks
five no. 2 pencils over his knee]

3. What is the average of all of the integers from 13 to 37?

STANZI: This is a simple matter of applying the solution Johann Carl Friedrich Gauss gave to his elementary school mathematics teacher when he was asked to sum the numbers from 1 to 100... 25! 

FRAN: MOTHERFRANNING GAUSS, not a day goes by without me using something I learned from your Mathe-frannende-matisches Tagebuch...the answer is 25.

4. What is the next number in the sequence: 5,15, 25, 35 ...

STANZI: Connecticut, Kentucky, Arkansas, West Virginia... Utah! I mean, 45!

FRAN: How did these FRANNING WONDERLIC FRANHOLES get my substitution chart!? The next number is 2, obviously.

5. EQUESTRIAN PEDESTRIAN

These two words
A) Have similar meanings
B) Have opposite meanings
C) Have neither similar nor opposite meanings

STANZI: Equestrian = horses = the US Cavalry = America, but horses also = horse racing = the sport of kings = monarchy = England; Pedestrian = hippies = shiftlessness = communism = Russia, but
Pedestrian = walker = Texas Rangers = America... this is too confusing... C.

FRAN: Hmm... I've never called an opponent a walker-franner before (except for Kemba Walker on occasion), but a horsefranner? Sure, thousands of times. Wait, what was the question again? And why am I taking this test? I graduated from the Uni-FRANNING-versi-FRANNING-ty of PENNSYL-FRANDAMN-VANIA! Fran this, it's time for Fran to Fran Franup. [throws desk out window, storms out of room].

These tests are of course biased against rageaholics with their love for rageahol, so who do you think should move on?

#3 SEED: JAMIE POLLARD

Round 1: Defeated Coach Baby, 377-204

#7 SEED: PELICAN WHORE

Round 1: Defeated Wizgerald, 330-225

Scene: a dilapidated barn in Ames. Cows mill about lazily with ragged, oversized cheerleader uniforms covering them. Somehow there is still eight inches of snow on the ground. A douchebag knocks on a rotting door.

knock knock

Yes, male secretary?

 You've got someone to see you, Mr. Pollard!

 Hot diggity! Personal visits can't be pranks! 

SQUAWKKKK

 Oh, Pelican Whore! I see you've come to discuss our matchup today! Do you speak English?

 rabim denar

 No Pelicanese, please!

 bom naredil vse

 I SAID NO PELICANESE. Please speak the language of our land.

 You want pelican job?

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